Some thoughts today as I sit having a quiet sunshiny cup of coffee.. Sure, I had incredible postpartum with baby #1 and used the mommy treat tactic of gobbling up glass after glass of wine as soon as baby was fed and sleeping peacefully.. Yes I amped up my disease following each birth of the next two incredibly close births of my beautiful daughters.. Absolutely as they grew and life got real and I became more and more unsettled and overwhelmed, and the “treat” became A dependence.. Instead of ruminate in the shithole years I missed trying to escape the pain and fear of motherhood with drinking, and using I am feeling quite at peace.. It happened. It’s all part of my story. The reality now is, I cannot make up those past 9 years of mommyhood, or 20 some odd years of partygirlhood, but I can accept it.. Accept it all for what it was and what it’s shaped me into..
Perfection was the goal after bringing that first pink bundle of joy home all those years ago. I compared, loathed and medicated myself.. My marriage suffered my relationships my self esteem.. I blacked out, got hurt, hurt others, missed out and skipped out on life.. I know TODAY I don’t have to do that anymore.. I get to feel the feels, laugh genuinely, be present and recover.. I am here to just. Be. Me. Show these girls what life can be and what it doesn’t have to be for them.. I am allowed to cry and hurt and feel.. It seriously feels like I’m growing up right beside these precious little ladies and experience life..
Happy Mother’s Day Sober Lex.. Happy Mother’s Day to you and yours.. Hold on to life a little tighter, experience the sweet spots of reality.. Simply be today..
The shit I did is done.
The wrong decisions, places, people happened.
I can’t go back and warn that younger version of me.. I just acknowledge and love her and accept the past…
If it weren’t for her and all she’s seen and done I would not get the opportunity to meet me, as I am right now.
The hurt will heal and some will not. I will breathe and live and survive. I can allow the Energies that Be to swallow up anything I cannot handle before me and guide me right. I feel safe.. More content than I could ever imagine.. It’s not necessarily the situation it’s the vessel and my spirit..
I have a smile in my pocket. Today I can choose to wear it or save it for later..
Today I’m ok..
I am allowed to say I am an alcoholic and addict in recovery. You cannot tell me nor can you tell me I’m not. I’m struggling with boozy family members who cannot look me in the eye or talk about my sobriety path. Their words are judgmental and hurtful and boggles my mind. I have been an addict/alcoholic for 20 plus years. My sisters covered up for my drunken black outs as a kid. My parents have seen the worst and cleaned up after my horrendous behavior as a child thru my 20s and onto my 30s.
I’m in recovery.
It’s my story.
I’ll be light and polite.
Some ruminating thoughts… I’m working tirelessly on my sobriety from my vices… Changed just about everything in my life.. Stuck it out and worked hard for a 3 plus children, chronically codependent, alcoholic, addicted chronically ill relationship…. Here’s the thing… I have been lied to on many occasions.. And a couple handfuls of Shit Bombs that entail really dark lies.. I have sacrificed and cared for, picked up after, and begged for his attention… Today I woke after a dream and was triggered, and thoughts of my relationship came flooding back.. Honestly, I’ve put anything as far as attention on my marriage since I started my sobriety path on October 7th.. And post Oct.7, things were really bad. He, so sick he could barely work, get out of bed, walk to the kitchen.. On top of this and his nightly imbibing to toxic, drunken levels. I was in the darkest part of my addiction..
He also gave up drinking… Now, I feel like I’ve changed so much… He as well… I started liking me.. Speaking my truth.. I am a ball of confusion.. I will do what’s right here in front of me.. Stand taller knowing I’m going to be okay if I do toTrudge..
happiness is in the eye of the beholder.. or something like that..