Over years and years of conditioning, I somehow taught myself to walk around without breathing.
Ive held my breath so long because;
I am astonished at others behavior.
I am overwhelmed with confusion or biting my tongue.
I cannot believe what I’ve just done. Or you or HIM….
I am trapped inside my mind, my marriage, my addiction…
I cannot imagine I’m worthy of Oxygen.
I may smell like wine, or weed or vodka.
I can barely move.
I am unsure of who I am, how I got here or where to go next..
I hate them.
I hate me.
I honestly don’t want to be with people..
I cannot believe this…
So many more
Now it’s different.. that was before.. before I actually took a hard look at myself and my addiction and realized it’s me. All me. Old conditioned pathways and neurotransmitters and behavior.
I couldn’t breathe because I was not alive and living life.. I couldn’t stand who I was .. I didn’t see that I had to just love me and the rest will or won’t work out.. I’m learning slowly but surely to take long soulful breaths… Love me a little more each day.. Let that shit go and let HP take care of the rest.. zero fucks
P.s. I got a tat to remind myself often…
Funny how a tad of real true soul sobriety has me seeing… Not too long ago I was a drunk/high pushover. Today I see how horrendous I was to myself and deserve better. The things I tolerated and out up with I no longer have to.
Duh. I have the choice.
I do not need to be around people I actually don’t like. I do not care for being treated like shit. I refuse to treat others with disrespect so why would I!
I do not have to say “Yes” because you expect me too. The amount of times I said yes to even my hub, when I actually meant NO I cannot even count. Wether it’s going somewhere or doing something I actually don’t wanna I won’t..
I deserve to be loved. Period
I am a whole human with feelings, and thoughts and actual ideas. Yes I am not just a Caregiver. My career may tell some otherwise but I’m not here to serve people 24/7.
I am an introvert. I like quiet and to be alone. I do not need to surround myself with a crowd. I want to enjoy the simple things and nature and my babies.
I get to cry, laugh smile and be mad. I’m not always FINE. I’m all messy and ugly and beautiful and it’s ok.
Getting buzzed makes all this disappear and I will not tolerate that.
Not sure where this post is going except I’m so ready to embrace me.
So here you sit all tarnished and achey with burns bumps and bruises… Your soul is on fire ready for what ever may happen next unlike you 5 or so months ago.. It was that you that was letting go, giving up on who you always “wished” and chased.. Funny your weak bones had you floating, twirling and faking reality.. That was someone who needed love and light, yet you fed her darkness and hate.. No matter.. Today all you can do is acknowledge her.. Love her for all the fragility and missed opportunity. You mustn’t hang in to her anymore.. Love her send her off with a kiss and empathy. No more no less… She didn’t know any better …
You lucked out dear one.. You got to feel this from every angle. In the utter throws of lies and addiction . To the adventure of life and light.. Look at you all confident and filling your empty cup with self love instead of vodka and pills.. look. You were here this whole time. Funny, beautiful. Brilliant. Brave enough to show those daughters of yours. Your no fucking coward. You caught wind of what it could be like and you try over and over to make it work for you.. This is your path and no one else’s.. you get to plan and pine over what is good and real instead of waiting for someone to tell you how to move.. you get to make moves freely..
I will never know why you never felt ok until today. I’m not sure who told you your different. You are different but it’s not a fucking bad thing.. You are perfection flawed inside and out.. A masterpiece of self hate and joy and beauty.. You my love, are doing this really fucking hard thing Which is life.. Life on life’s terms.. Your a brilliant sober unicorn. You thought this only ever existed in stuff of dreams.. Now dreams are of which you get to wake from or make come true.. It’s up to you now brave warrior.. Your done hiding behind a bottle and a party.. It is you real raw gorgeous and gutsy..
Lovely I love you
The have been so many year of my life chasing something or someone.. now at 38 I can see that it was not a waste , but ground work to the woman I Am and always knew exsisited. I would tell that lonely little girl chasing boys, and the next high that you are 100% worthy of exactly what is good and right.. not some bullshit hangover or asshole one night stand or fake picture of what someone made you feel. No you get to choose and you deserve it all.
Confidence and Sobriety and love, lust, health, brains, a career you love.. you get it all because you deserve it.
Maybe slowly maybe quickly.. no matter it starts within..
Me, my journey, my soul, my life and light..
Turning my soul on.. That is dope as fuck.. I’m filling my soul back up with love and light instead of terror regret and shame.. I’ve lied and hurt people and fallen flat on my face (numerous) times.. I’ve woken up many a day wishing I didn’t… I underestimated the progression of this disease.. I’m now on a roll of sobriety. I see now that my ego (though I’d fight this forever) has taken control at times if this process and tried to ace it numerous times by my own self will.. It’s like fighting with a black bear for sweet treats.. he’s gonna win… The big ragged drunky pill popping weed smoking Shit Ass of a Grizzly.. Terror I’ll just give in, bit if I do I will be depleted and alone.. I don’t stand alone anymore. I found a Herd of beautiful sober friends… Loving me till I can love myself.. I can feel the love. Imruminate in love now instead of darkness..
Inpatient recovery center, AA 6xs a week, changed all my people places and play things.. I left my job in order to reclaim me.. I am just doing me for right now. Recovery classes and therapy .. I’m refilling this depleted soul of mine.. one step at a time..
I’m here.. I never really left.. I took a sabbatical of sorts.. it started in 2014.. late winter.. things had been going quite rough in my marriage and my drinking was at an all time high.. I had my self convinced that waiting till five pm to crack my first of 3 or so bottles of wine was justified.. Husband was working rediculous hours and drinking like a fish at night whilst working into the night.. we became two ships passing in the night., I would put my mask of Mommy is Fine on and twirl around making sure the littles were clothed and fed and sent to school and loved to the best of my ability… I worked my ass of at work I worked my ass of at home and when I tucked those angles in bed at night I worked my ass off to completely numb the misery and disparity that was actually my “I’m doing fine”.. At that point I recall talking to hub about these feelings and he would remind me over and over that “this is what life is you choose it if your fucking miserable buck up and deal”.. Well the best way I knew how was continuing the twirl and the vicious cycle of drinking, feeling like dying and starting over again the next day or so..
Than mother fucking BAM! Out of nowhere hub fell gravely ill.. his kidneys shut down they were at a stand still as to what really happened.. he was on dialysis and chemo and fist fills of pills to try to regulate this mystery autoimmune disease no one really had answers for.. With that and him in and out of the hospital every 4 to 6 weeks my life as I knew it came crashing down… I pushed back all the shit and resentment and bucked up and became that wife and mother and did it all for the sake of this young family now in the middle of a crisis.. I really thought I could handle it all.. he was either in bed, at hospital or work and I was left to my own devices…
- At this point I took a narcotic pill from the stash of his stash and within an instant I was changed.. it actually amped up my addiction in the most terrifying way where I physically needed it and in my sick head I convinced my self this is the key to me quitting drinking and gain energy to push through this so called crisis… one here and there seemed to help until it was not enough so I added wine at night and a fist full during the day, and when that was not working much better I found a lovely suburban lady who sells home grown she’d been using for her “anxiety” .. Yes I added smoking a rediculous amount of weed during the day all day I could not show up anywhere with out a pill and a few puffs.. I was scared of social situations Andy friends I had I kept far away from and became a ghost of this person I so longed to be… I lost 100 pounds and kept that as a good thing., people were paying attention to me when my husband could not.. my dark and twisted thoughts were the pills will help me stop drinking and weed will get me thru a detox off the opiates..
- can’t you see I am my own doctor here.. It worked. I was completely numb to the fact that my life was exploding all around me.. my husband was going to die, I was a minimal mommy getting by on remembering to breathe and drink water and pino grisio….
- fast forward to Early September 2016.. I was at my lowest weight, my lowest mind and body.. I was not a fun loving honest faithful person anymore and I could not stop.. I thought the on,y way out was to run far away or death…
- It had been years since I contemplated suicide, but at this point I was thinking about it daily. I was giving myself to October 1st.. We had two fancy family weddings to attend and the girls were apart of and I had hair to do… on the outside I looked healthier than I have in years.. dressed up a handful of times on these occasions and proceeded to,get high first than hammered at the parties…
- September 30th was my nieces wedding .. all three girls were flower girls and dressed like amazing fairy princesses.. I did he brides magnificent mermaid hair and wore a dress I never imagine I’d ever fit into.. husband was feeling well and looking well.. on the outside you’d not believe how close to exploding I was… I got thru the ceremony a bit hi and pilled up and my first drink at the reception I went straight into a black out..Trainwreck get on Board this crazy train, you may end up inappropriately hitting on your brother in law or missing your daughter sing a solo, dumping your purse over and over for your angel of a sister to clean up… I refused my food like a 3 year old and threw food on the floor.. now mind you this was one of those weddings of the year.. everyone dressed in the 9s dancing enjoying this lovely couples love and new life and there I was in a sexy black dress black out white girl wasted…
- I hit my bottom..
This was nearly 5 months ago.. A sad shell of a woman walking and talking and trying hard to convince herself and the world that she was ok.. Pills and weed all day just to try to calm the dread that 3bottles of wine a night set in.. The wine to calm the chaos and insanity and the pills and weed to relieve the dread and pain.. The cycle went on until she found herself checked into a hospital for a detox she never could imagine.. A horrific experience you think you never want to retry ever..
By the grace of god and or the “Everything=Everything” energy of the world she got to sculpt and change her life in an Inpatient Recovery Center.. Weeks of therapy and missing her small daughters fighting for her life and uncovering this Real Me.. Come to find out it’s not the “Old Me” she had to chase anymore, but the real one…
I sit here finishing this post 150 days later sans booze or an opiate.. I’ve made headway and got into a program where others just like me can love me until I can love myself enough… Sure there have been roadblocks and hitches in my giddy-up… Still battling the Douche Canoe of a Wolf in my body.. I’ve changed and lost friends. My family though supportive unsure of getting close.. My husband and my marriage is a whole different story.
But my kids have blossomed and found out that fighting for what you want and being true to oneself is what Mommy shows and does and that’s ok.. My legacy will no longer be “She Partied Till she No Longer Had Fun and Died a sad Drunk lonely Woman”… No my hopes for today is that “She Partied until It was no Longer Fun, and she Blossemd from the Mud and Muck Quite like a Lotus and just Became”….
Where do I go from here?