I am allowed to say I am an alcoholic and addict in recovery. You cannot tell me nor can you tell me I’m not. I’m struggling with boozy family members who cannot look me in the eye or talk about my sobriety path. Their words are judgmental and hurtful and boggles my mind. I have been an addict/alcoholic for 20 plus years. My sisters covered up for my drunken black outs as a kid. My parents have seen the worst and cleaned up after my horrendous behavior as a child thru my 20s and onto my 30s.
I’m in recovery.
It’s my story.
I’ll be light and polite.
Some ruminating thoughts… I’m working tirelessly on my sobriety from my vices… Changed just about everything in my life.. Stuck it out and worked hard for a 3 plus children, chronically codependent, alcoholic, addicted chronically ill relationship…. Here’s the thing… I have been lied to on many occasions.. And a couple handfuls of Shit Bombs that entail really dark lies.. I have sacrificed and cared for, picked up after, and begged for his attention… Today I woke after a dream and was triggered, and thoughts of my relationship came flooding back.. Honestly, I’ve put anything as far as attention on my marriage since I started my sobriety path on October 7th.. And post Oct.7, things were really bad. He, so sick he could barely work, get out of bed, walk to the kitchen.. On top of this and his nightly imbibing to toxic, drunken levels. I was in the darkest part of my addiction..
He also gave up drinking… Now, I feel like I’ve changed so much… He as well… I started liking me.. Speaking my truth.. I am a ball of confusion.. I will do what’s right here in front of me.. Stand taller knowing I’m going to be okay if I do toTrudge..
happiness is in the eye of the beholder.. or something like that..
Music, smoking, coffee, men…
The slogans and sayings around the tables of AA sometimes just straight up piss me off or make no sense to me. Restless irritable and discontent. I’ve heard it over and over in meetings. I never once connected. .
Today it’s on repeat over and over in my head.. Must. Pull. Out. Tools.. getting out of my head seems impossible today.. I know sobriety is not all pink clouds and orgasims.. I understand completely that life sucks at times.. Nothing is perfect.. I certainly am not perfect. So I’ll sit.. breathe and meditate a bit..
I’m just unhappy. No matter I won’t drink.. I’m allowed to be sad…
It’s been about 6 months since my last drink. Maybe a month since my last puff or pill.. My mind feels clear, my skin as well.. My sweating problem actually was a booze problem and early sober cofffee never gets old.. My daughters are all beautiful and behaving with respect and contentment.. I’m present I’m mindful and everything is just so… Simple..
I still have this whisper way back in my mind.. And today it’s quiet.. But still here.. It tells me I’m a fake and I should run.. It tells me how unhappy I am in my relationship and to run.. It says that I’m a messy awkward disaster and a toke or a sip may be able to take the edge off.. It tells me that feelings are to loud and bright and awful and numb is so very much easier.. It reminds me of the pain and the bullshit I have put up with for many years and I should fight and be a bitch and control with my mind, or will..
Ha. I acknowledge this voice.. I accept hat it may come and go.. But not for a second will I submit to it..
I will work on me, do me.. I will use self care and love and acceptance of what is before me.. I will not forget what has gotten me here.. I have every intention of working and trusting this process.. I have a story that is mine and mine alone.. I have an unwritten ending now.. I do not need to obsess or wallow.. I am allowed to be and let the light guide me…