Winds of Change…

Alas I’m here.  Continue to reach as hard as I can for support outlets.  *as I remove the bug from my coffee and take the first sip regardless*  Today I’m sober. Today I’ve been for a few days but not counting right now has just seemed to work in my favor.

There’s an upheaval in chaos here and building up to it was really fucking hard.. My heart was bashed and broken and I was holding my family together as tight as I could all while watching the man I fell in love with 15 years ago giving up on himself.   His illness got the best if him and he was doing what all of us do to “forget” and adding too much booze to the mix of illness and pills and weak organs.

Well he’s home. There’s more but enough for now..

 

Now im up.watching the sunrise and removing bugs from coffee.. Getting ready to accomplish some shit and love myself today..

 

No clue where I’m going but I do know today I’m sober, I love myself a little bit more,  I have a huge support network and friends and family who love me.. And 3 of the most amazing little girls who are my reason, my tribe, my soul..

 

 

And that’s pretty ok for today. .

 

Xo

Lex

I got traction.. Sober traction that is..

Obviously my anxiety has decreased, my sweaty face and pits are gone..  I no longer feel like I am going to actually die… All good reasons to continue my path.. I’m doing this for me. A lifestyle overhaul that has been in the making for 3 years (as long as I have been trying so hard to quit).. I’m proud of myself. I also have been able to say no a lot.. 

Husband still drinks. I woke up at 330 with Fox News blaring and him coughing up a lung or whatever that was.. I came out to the living room to him passed out, lights on, tv crazy loud.. Threw a blanket on him. Shut everything down and took a step back..

What if…

My girls came to him in the night and saw such a non receptive fright… 

     I was in that situation and my girls needed me.. Fucking terrifying…

He stops breathing.   *He has been dealing with a serious chronic illness for 1.4 years and in the last two weeks took himself off all life longevity (terrible awful poison but medically needed) medications.. 

Z   I could have stopped breathing many times.. Jesus, I cannot go back, but I can live on that sad version of myself.

I could go on.. I was frozen watching him.  Crying hot, sad tears… I felt a surge of energy, or spirit.. I cried for him and his disease and his alcoholism.. I cried for me and my struggly fight.. I cried for my daughters and they’re future and present emotional household.. I cried..

I woke up feeling refreshed.. I feel like decisions will be easier today.. Called a lovely sober temp sponsor type.. I’m on the up n up.. Slow and steady…

Xo

Lex

Nothing changes if, nothing changes.. 

I wrote that exact quote in a journal I found from when I was 14!  Why should this shock me?  I’ve been since around then or a tad earlier,  contemplating change, peace, and happiness.. I remember feeling so unworthy, so in like my family, so forced into life events and activities and already knowing “I was different”…   I did not fit the mold.. Or what my parents had written in the LexFamily law books… 

My parents ran a business in a small remote community and my Dad was the Lay of the Law.. We must act, dress and be a certain way in public so people respect us (Him and his big Ego) and not act like “trash”… Well I have been called that and other lovely nick names in the years to come, but I can to this day remembering feeling like, “why can’t I just be me? ”

Now I am a parent and tell the littles to be on they’re best LexFamily behavior, be polite and respectful and don’t ever be afraid to be you..  And no matter what your sisters and mom and dad always got your back.. I tell them that we are a team..

Going back to LittleLex, I was pressured to not be me.. 

Me who:

*Liked and hung out with the “less fortunate” crowd.. The bad boys and girls that actually some have been dear friends since.. 

*Was/Is Out spoken. Or maybe filterless, or just says what comes to mind before thinking. 

*My own unique and out there style.. Family wanted to have a kakhi and polo facade… I preferred flannels, black cherry lipstick and combat boots..  I’m unsure why it bothered them so much, how can style make a person “bad”.. P.s. Miss the 90s terribly.. 

*uninterested and awful at school, I believe now it is def A.D.D. Completely misdiagnosed as a youngster. They just thought I was defiant, and naughty and using booze or drugs to “Hurt my Folks)

*had a passion since a small child to be in the hair business ” my parents actually said that “cosmetology is a rediculous career choice and you’ll never make it or money”.  (I later proved them wrong)

*wanted to stray the family unit and ended up being a sneaky lying teenager with anger and alcohol/pot problems..

Black sheep. Moon Unit. Trailer trashy. 

Ugh. Anyway back on track… All of who I thought I was was shunned and I just wanted to find peace within myself.. Like who am I really?  I feel this, they say no.. That poor 14 year old girl with the weight on her shoulders to “Change” herself..  Since then it has been burned into my unicorn brain to constantly try to make myself better, push to find the real me..

 “Nothing changes if Nothing changes”  it is an ironic saying.. I hear it in the rooms of AA, all over recovery blogs and books.. I actually heard it at a professional conference like 2 weeks ago.. And than I was moving a box and this journal popped out..

I ramble and will probably not reread this for a bit so if anyone reads this I hope it makes some sense..  I guess, now as I sit here on day 6 or whatever with counting, just here today contemplating this old aged quote of the ages.. It cannot ring any truer for me, but now I see it is not ME who I should be fighting so hard to change… I need to stop resisting just being me.. The changes are all Everything=Everything like.. No Lex do not change you change actions.. 
Xo

Lex

Day one Redux.. Take 89

I am not special. But I do deserve straight up sober happiness.. I deserve to take care of me, love me.. I do not need to loose myself any longer.. Not for other humans nor for the booze … 

I had convinced myself that I cannot get thru this family crisis bullshit drinking wine.. Wine makes me nuts.. Booze also makes me weird and sad and scary and straight up a shell of a person..  So I drank vodka.. So,desperate and sad and alone and not any more special or sad or tragic than anyone else.. 

I need to shut the fuck up and get thru tomo again without drinking. 

Today my last day one.. My bottom is feeling like if I don’t stop the cycle the days sober And then a night black out weirdo alone in the dark drinking it’s going to get worse and more frequent.. 

Do,you believe this is a disease that wants us dead?

Or am I just drinking to die or feel dead? 

With all I have to live for I choose life.. 

I’m terrified somehow..

Xo

Lex

Future Lex, or not.. 

I’ll start by saying I’m on day 2.  Im not going to sit in the depths of guilt and shame.. I’m taking it minute by minute and treating myself kindly..  The build up of relapse or slip or whatever you want to call it started somewhere mid a 30 day sober stint and exploded in my face.. It’s like the amount of real world shit going on under my roof becomes so hard to bare and of course sober feelings feel real stingy, you know?  Well I’ll call my self on that bullshit.. The reality is it’s completely mandatory I continue in my sobriety path in order for answers to lots of unknowns to come to the surface… Yes I have a unwell husband who’s also an alcoholic.. I’m the prime caregiver and parent and housekeeper and have my career.  These are realities… Facts.. Also facts, I cannot drink.. No not one not a bottle nope nothing.. It’s better that way.. Ok. 

Yesterday I reached out to a woman I met last February in treatment… We had the same sobriety date.. February 19th..  We came from completely different walks, but hit it off immediately.. She rightly so pulled away after I relapsed after 50 days.. Anyhow….. I wanted to congratulate her.. She who upon arriving to rehab hit her rock bottom after having a heart attack due to her drinking.. She had lost her marriage, her home, her teenage children refusing to acknowledge her.. She saw in me a young mother trying to get sober like she had years prior when her kids were little and after like 10 years the drink got ahold of her once more… She hurt so badly for me because she knows exactly what will happen if I continue drinking.. Is this confusing?  Belle always says Everything = Everything.. She is I me if I do not stop.. And I refuse to loose anything I so gratefully have now.. My babies, my family, my home.. Alone drinking till heart attack.. 

Well, I feel so grateful she called and invited me to a meeting on Wednesday evenings.. I know I need this piece of the puzzle.. I had conferences for the gals last night so I made a promise to her and I I’ll be there seven days sober next Wednesday.. 

Xoxxox

Lex

On guilt and feelings. 

So the fog is slowly lifting and the feelings come a rushin back in.. For this alone I should never drink again, but somehow I’m forgetful when I slip back into the dark side..  Feelings that I have-numbed out on and off for many many years.. Now, what I don’t get is how easily I forget.. (My disease) 

Right now I’m faced with a shit ton of feelings but today I struggle with guilt.. How fucking full of shit is that?  This is something that was passed on to me by my dear Mother.. More like my parents were real good at making me feel guilty for being “me”  and here I am 20 years later tortureing myself with it.. Yes, I drank to stop feelings.. Now I’m getting sober to feel better and just like that the wave of yuckiness washes right over me.. 

I only have control over myself so, to feel guilty for past shit, or the “I should be doing mores” Is actually something I have to trust and love myself enough so I can build this sober life I so longingly want.. I’m a slow SLOW learner.. Like I’ve Had The Magic Inside All Along kind of learning..  

I’m going to love myself enough to not drink today and tell Guilt to fuck off.. I’m going to wake up (groundhogs day like) in the morning and tell me to be proud of me for doing hard shit.. 

Smart not Hard

I’m here.. I feel like a small lost child.. I on day 7 which we all know kind of sucks, but there is no drinking today.. I took all the booze out of my house before I brought. My husband home from the hospital on Wednesday.. He brought it back in last night.. He is determined to do what he does…

I cannot control or fix anyone but myself..

The moral of the story.. My shit is mine.. No matter how you slice it.. I will not stay sober unless I utilize my toolbox and make serious changes.. It’s ok.. It’s scary, but nothing to a hangover that feels like your heart may explode out of your chest and your eyeballs are falling out of your head… That’s terrifying.. Getting sober, asking for help, meetings again, therapy, meds, anything.. I’ll take anything… 

Teary, unsure, grateful Lex