I have a Confirmation Stamp in my head. 

Growing up whenever I’d accomplish something positive or do something to help others, my dad would remind me I had thousands more to go before I’d get thru the pearly gates of heaven. He’d say “Lex, that’s 9,468 more good deeds before you get to go see God.”,  Or some random number.  What a thing to say to a 15 year old girl who would spend 20 more years trying to please and help others desperately in order to feel some sort of self worth… But alas, he continued throughout time to remind me I was on the cusp of the underworld and my shitty behavior outweighed the good.. 

I actually believed it for many many years.  That is all the while knowing deep down inside I was actually a decent person filled with love and light.  I just was lost.. 

Today I get to sit with myself, 141 days into a clear headed recovery journey knowing I’ve had the LIGHT all along.. I don’t have to hear outside noise and opinions in order to feel worthy..  I get to work a program of recovery and share with likeminded people my experience and not feel judged or less than.  I get to work with a sponsor and dump out all my old ideals and with loving acceptance know in my hear the past does not define me.  I get to go to therapy and work on myself without guilt over putting me on top of the “Good Deed List” and know the difference between feelings and reality.. I get to be the REAL me, not constantly begging the universe to help me find a NEW ME.. 

As I trudge through life on life’s terms, and reveal life’s reality, I have a visualization that pops in my mind.. A confirmation stamp being placed on my heart and spirit.  It tells me that what I have been feeling was true all along.. When I want to say no, I get to say NO.  When I realize that something or someone has been wrong all along, I don’t fight it and stash it in the shit to deal with later.  My guts tell me the truth, and I get to revel in it.  

For years I knew deep in my heart things were not ok with me, but I continued to let others use me or hurt me without saying a word..  I would go along with the crowd as to not rock the boat even though I knew it was not right or good for me.. Today with sober eyes I see it’s not worth my serenity.  

Fuck the Good Deed List, Dad.  I’m actually doing great on my own and do not need to constantly give away my spirit in-order to get confirmation that I’m ok or going to heaven.  Deep in my guts doing the right thing, wether outwardly or internally I’m going to be ok.. 

Stamp..

Xo

Lex

Sobriety, Death and a new friend. 

My 90 year old grandmother passed away two weeks ago. I was able to drop everything and rush to her house to see her in her bed before the funeral home came for her.  She was smiling, and in the same room her mother gave birth to her just 90 years before..  My daughters got to experience a part of life that brings sadness in grace and my full presence..  I was able to write and read a eulogy for her at the same Russian Orthodox Church she was married, And my daughter and I was baptized in.  I gave hugs and comfort to my family of origin.  I got thru 5 days of said family drinking and alcoholic grieving and dysfunction with my program in tact keeping close to my toolbox and sober friends as needed.. I set and kept boundaries.  I even in there gave a sober interview over the phone about my experience, strength and hope.. And even took my girls to their first ever concert sitting in the front row enjoying each moment..  

It was exhausting.  I needed a whole extra week to recover and use extreme self care and rest to push thru each 24.  A year ago if this were me I’d be a complete and utter disaster. High for all of the funeral and drunk with the rest. I would have kept my girls at bay hiding behind my bullshit and booze and forgetting that death is a part of life and it’s ok to cry. I’m so fucking glad I don’t have to live like that anymore. I’m grateful for sobriety.  Though too bright and lout at times, messy and ugly just to be me.. A blessing.. 

in the mean time I have gotten this adorable chippy to come eat peanuts from my hand and get to share my morning coffee and meditation with him..

Life is ok today. 

Not perfect, but I know the light shines thru after the dark and I’ll give it another 24 to see where it may take me.. 

xo

Lex 

It’s over..

I do not want to miss you…

Your messages are twisted.. You lift me up, I feel high and you kick me when the space in my head starts to believe it to be true..

Your a sexy monster who lives everywhere I look and the lines become a fog just when I think I can see..

I’ve lived in your shadow of lies, and lust..  The reality becomes dust..

I’ve given you everything.. My soul, my body, my mind…

In return I receive false hope.

Real hope, real peace, new life and light become slightly forgotten each time you show up..

There is a secret I have..  It is a new power.. You thought I am who I was but I am not.. 

I have a secret…  It’s not the secrets you helped create.. It is an ember that is burning in my heart… A secret key that has unlocked the real me..

I do not need you…  Want and need matter not, it’s how I DO from here on out.. I do not need you..  I need me… 

You’ve told me I was nothing without you.. You gave me a false sense of okayness that was wrapped up in smoke.. Poison.. You are poison..

A vice.

Ugly.

Unable to be real.

Unable to love me like I love me..

I don’t miss you.. I am not ashamed of all you had me do.. I see no reason to sit in your glimmering goblet of shit..  

It is actually you that will miss me.. You will miss many others like me because you are not true.. 

It’s true I wouldn’t be anywhere without you.. I would not have gotten the gift of finding me if I hadn’t met you..  I would not have found honesty, and forgiveness and reality if you hadn’t held me down so tight..

This is not props to you.. No.. It is not goodbye.. I know you will be lonely and bored and show up when I least expect..

I will be ready.. I do not need you..

I need me. 

100 day reflections 

Reflecting on my experience. 
So here’s the thing. I made it. Fair and square. No nuts no butts no coconuts. This time I’ve actually done this surrender thing and I’ve found that AA and any means possible are what got me to this day, and I only have today. I’ve been fighting a douchey monster since I can remember and the funny thing about it is it was me hating myself the whole fucking time.. I started out as a young girl trying to find normalcy in a world that was perfectly layer before me. A world that had to be just so or you were not OK.. My first drunk gave me such relief from that. I was 14 or 15 and I could talk to boys and be a fun loud confident girl with no regards for self respect or acting like a jerk.. I spent many years trying to replicate that moment. Many years I disappointed myself and others over and over. Yearning to feel ok in my skin, desperate for som sort of peace and confidence.. Nothing worked. Booze, boys, drugs, helping everyone with their shit, giving my soul away left and right.. Nothing worked, so I kept on.. Moving, twirling in speeds unhuman. I never stopped to sit in quiet. 

Pressing on thru my early 20s I could finally work, make money, go to bars, search for someone or something to love me.. I was desperate. Outside and in. I made horrific choices and most of which were in a black out white girl wasted fashion.. Again not stoping once to think it was me I was searching for.. I met this man at age 24 he was older, had life experience and was a father, told me everything I needed to hear.. I was hooked once again. His closeted skeletons meant nothing to me because I thought that sex and attention (good or bad) and false words and spending years and years trying to fix him would eventually fix me. I was broken.. I am unsure if I ever felt whole.. I gave him my all mixed in with Yeager Bombs and my body.. I got pregnant after 4 years of that selfish self hatred behavior.

My daughter, a wedding, a house.. This I figured was finally the answer to all of the nightmares.. She would now save me.. And two more stunning daughters to quickly follow I knew they would absolutely save me from myself.. I was dead wrong..

No matter who I gave my life and soul to I was still there.. And with that came a dark and twisty step up from party girl out drinking all the boys.. I would grab for wine now.. Not just a glass or so every now and then, that my love was not enough.. Bottles.. I would strive for out side perfection, continue to work tirelessly on fixing my alcoholic lying husband and after tucking in my small daughters I’d blot out the days with deathly amounts of booze… I was slowly but surely dying and decided I’d either wake one day and be saved or never wake up and everyone else would be saved..

3 years or so I found you. I started searching the sober cyber world.. Collected self help books. Fed my face and became a tired, overweight, shell of a woman. I couldn’t keep up with the outside so I gave up inside. I tried therapy, a quick stint in treatment, AA, lying, drinking more, smoking weed to stop the drinking until I fell dead in my tracks.. My husband who I’d been trying so hard to fix fell gravely ill and I had to give up on myself even more so, if that is possible. I put all my time and energy in his doctors, my daughters and at night I’d cry myself to sleep really hoping to not awake.. I soon found relief from his pain medications. Again not just one or two here and there, handfuls. I’d lie and do things that I had no clue I was capable of.. I’d steal hundreds of pills and blame it on some sort of home invasion.. I’d loose 100 pounds because I could no longer swallow due to stress and self hatred.. I would die ever so much more on a daily basis and learn to hate him and myself with each breath.. 

I was ready to give up. Just run away from my beautiful dear daughters and like my 13 year old self find a new place to go where no one knew me and start over.. 

September of 2016 was my worst. I told on myself not giving a fuck who I hurt or if I’d stop.. I ignored all signs of physical detox and suck in ounces of weed and handfuls of pills by day and bottle after bottle of wine at night.. I needed a way out.. 

I woke up one day deciding I would do all the pills and pot I’d had with a few drinks and a whole bottle of cold medicine. It is a blur that three days or so. I’m not going to live in that shame and guilt, but shit it was horrific… Somehow I called a detox hospital and begged my husband to help me and no longer support my addiction and needed up in a 10 day detox. As horrible as it was I knew I could no longer go back to the me that was. I now knew what surrender was. I begged for help because my addiction was trying so desperately to kill me.. My brain and body had changed, my soul was empty and either I listened to what everyone told me or it was all over.. I decided I must take extreme measures and leave my children and job and what was left of my world, and go to inpatient treatment, rehab. It would be the turning point in finding me. That peace I so desperately wrote about in journal after journal as a 10, 11, 12 year old girl? It was simply being given the gift to love myself. No guilt or selfishness about it, simply self love..

Who the fuck knew! Sounded simple, but my dear it was and is work. I returned home after 7 weeks and was like a foreign child trying to survive in a new, big, bright, beautiful scary world. I knew I wasn’t alone but felt so fucking alone. I relapsed. I convinced myself because it was not a drink or opiate I was still on my path. I quit my job and put my whole body time and energy into AA and recovery, wrapped up in my lie. 

I hit another deep dark twisty depression and wanted to give up once more, but somehow found it in myself to yell from the rooftops I NEED HELP I CANNOT DO YHIS MY WAY OR I WILL DIE! That was 100 days ago. I gave up and quit feeding the bad wolf. I started loving and nurturing the good one who wanted to live and breathe and sho my daughters what a brave warrior can do… 

I cannot fix anyone or anything. I cannot love anyone or anything unless I start with me.

I know that boasting or outing myself is only harmful because I only have this very moment, this day.. But putting my sobriety before all that I love insures me that today I can be the best version of me, the best mommy I can be… 

xo 

Lex

I’m a sober mommy.. What? 

Some thoughts today as I sit having a quiet sunshiny cup of coffee..    Sure, I had incredible postpartum with baby #1 and used the mommy treat tactic of gobbling up glass after glass of wine as soon as baby was fed and sleeping peacefully.. Yes I amped up my disease following each birth of the next two incredibly close births of my beautiful daughters.. Absolutely as they grew and life got real and I became more and more unsettled and overwhelmed, and the “treat” became A dependence..  Instead of ruminate in the shithole years I missed trying to escape the pain and fear of motherhood with drinking, and using I am feeling quite at peace..  It happened.  It’s all part of my story.  The reality now is, I cannot make up those past 9 years of mommyhood, or 20 some odd years of partygirlhood, but I can accept it.. Accept it all for what it was and what it’s shaped me into..  

Perfection was the goal after bringing that first pink bundle of joy home all those years ago.   I compared, loathed and medicated myself.. My marriage suffered my relationships my self esteem.. I blacked out, got hurt, hurt others, missed out and skipped out on life.. I know TODAY I don’t have to do that anymore.. I get to feel the feels, laugh genuinely, be present and recover.. I am here to just. Be. Me. Show these girls what life can be and what it doesn’t have to be for them..  I am allowed to cry and hurt and feel.. It seriously feels like I’m growing up right beside these precious little ladies and experience life.. 

Happy Mother’s Day Sober Lex.. Happy Mother’s Day to you and yours.. Hold on to life a little tighter, experience the sweet spots of reality.. Simply be today.. 

xo

Lex

I’m giving a shout-out to the cobwebs.

The shit I did is done.

The wrong decisions, places, people happened.

I can’t go back and warn that younger version of me.. I just acknowledge and love her and accept the past…

If it weren’t for her and all she’s seen and done I would not get the opportunity to meet me, as I am right now.

The hurt will heal and some will not. I will breathe and live and survive.  I can allow the Energies that Be to swallow up anything I cannot handle before me and guide me right.  I feel safe.. More content than I could ever imagine.. It’s not necessarily the situation it’s the vessel and my spirit.. 

I have a smile in my pocket. Today I can choose to wear it or save it for later..

Today I’m ok..

Xo