Honesty…. Honestly????

So… It is time.. I have been Blogstalking and doing lots of thinking…  It is time to be honest… But Honestly, I am scared.. I am disappointed… A tad lonely..  And Most of all, Lying to my self… So this is it.. I am going to put it out there…. My all the live long days of Addiction…

started smoking when i was like 14.. whoopie i know, but it was fun and I hid it from my parents.. they wanted me to be so clean cut.. they needed all appearances to be just so on the outside… I hated that…

started drinking soon there after.. I came out of my shell I was fun.. I felt pretty.. not tall awkward and weird…

well somewhere in the mix between 12-18 I was smoking pot on an almost daily basis, and drank my self like an idiot on the weekend.. I grew up in the sticks, so this is what we did?? also I would do anything opposite of what my parents wanted me to do..  During these times I lost alot of friends hung with the looses lost all self respect ans esteem and was completely depressed and wanted nothing more than to get out of my life and that one horse town…

somehow after graduation, and a tad of inpatient treatment… I got my shit together and moved away… started my trade school..(my dreams were coming true.. this is what i was born to do.. my family gave me shit, but I was/am damn good at it).. in the mean time.. I am a young 20s something with a job and my own place… you guessed it .. Out almost every night.. sleep half the day.. work 2ish shift and party again.. was the ROCKstAR life… Right?

FF into the future.. Met a boy (a bad boy) we moved away.. to a bigger city.. he held me kinda hostage… I knew no one, was not allowed to go out.. so I fell in love with my bottle.. of Cheap Wine… STill managed to keep my shit together (yeah sure) Had a good job again.. a nice place.. He went to jail, we broke up (obvy) and I was a free Hot Rock star once again……

Well looking back this seemed like the time of my life.. I had a new Appt, and a fab party girl roommate… Wonderful job and co-workers… I continue to drink.. party.. mess around.. secretly wishing for more.. to settle down.. meet a man… i disposed of a few.. but that was just stupid shit.. making out at the bar.. a one night stand.. yuck…. that was not me.. but I was drunk.. I didn’t care…

10 years ago.. I met him.. at a bar of course.. I am pretty sure It was a ZING.. we locked eyes.. had lunch the very next day and have been together ever since… We partied the first 4 years of that.. we were the fun party couple… we had great parties.. we broke up made up… I was/am in love he was/is my best friend.. not a care in the world, right? (in my heart of hearts I knew I was wasting my time.. I was old enough to know better still to young to care.. I wanted the picket fence.. not an imaginary drunkin one…)

Well with out wasting any time (4years) I woke up in the midst of all this partying/working/trying to live PREGNANT…. yes sir.. I am that girl.. Shotgun wedding.. 3 kids and 6 years of marriage later..  I am that girl.. I am now that honest girl..

I held my shit together thru each pregnancy and a couple weeks in-between here and there.. but lately.. I am unable to.. I am stuck in this lonely place.. don’t get me wrong my best friend/husbs/partner in crime is right here with me.. but this drinking has to stop…  I can be on my mommy game 6am till 6pm… he gets home I go to work a few nights a week.. home and at it again.. just to decompress.. just to relax.. just to get drunk.. Husbs is not too sure about my new journey.. I cant change any one but myself..

One is too much one more is never enough…  This is the most honest I have been with my self in a long time.. to see it on paper makes me numb… I am frightened.. I am on day 3 of my sober self… I need this.. I deserve this.. I am tired… ready for life…

14 thoughts on “Honesty…. Honestly????

  1. This is a heartfelt and honest post 🙂 The biggest step you have made is recognizing that you need and deserve this – and that you are ready for life! I am not the poster child for “what to do to get sober” – but I have done a lot of learning and growing over the months and can totally relate to the struggles of what we go throw in the throes of addiction. Glad you are here!

  2. Wow, incredible post. Thank you for sharing. EVERYTHING you wrote touched me. EVERYTHING you wrote resonated on a personal level. Kind of freaks me out out we are all so similar. Different situations, but same feelings. There are so many wonderful people blogging on sobriety. We all support one another.and we are ALL still growing, just like you. On another note, I love the look of your site. Are you fairly techy or just a natural artist? Hang in there it gets better (and sometimes worse) but mostly it’s better. xox Lisa

    • Thank you for the kind words… I’m so fresh and new at this and the sober thing… I found once i started writing here I knew it was where I needed to be…p.s… I’m a bit artsy, and those are the toes of my presh bebes…

  3. Life begins one day at a time…Life goes on one moment at a time…Your recovery will be unique to you, but finding relationships with others who are where you are/who have been where you are…is vital…This is an amazing first step. When you’re ready…as SOON as you are ready…take the next step…whether it’s AA, Celebrate Recovery…reach out…There are others out there. My hubby and I had to learn that the hard way. Praying you find it sooner than later…Big hugs!!!

  4. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for following me so I could find you, thank you for writing this, thank you for your courage and honesty. I could relate to every single word you said. There is hope, I promise you that. I cannot wait to read more!

  5. Hi-
    I found you because you found me…Thanks for following–I’ll follow you back.
    There’s a lot here to read, so I’ll comment individually on each post–my head can’t hold too much at once!
    Your story is pretty much my story. Drank with my husband. From the get go he was my partner. The question at our last Lamaze group twenty eight years ago was asked of all the dads-to-be.”How did your wife’s pregnancy affect you?” My then-husband’s answer? “I lost my drinking partner.” At the time I thought nothing of his response. It was true. Today I realize how fucked up it was.
    Almost sixteen years ago I decided I had to do something. So I went to AA. By myself. He didn’t need it.
    We’re divorced now and as far as I know he’s still drinking. He married another alcoholic who was told she’d die if she continued her drinking.
    The journey has not always been easy. I remember feeling like you do. I was scared, lonely and empty. But I got better.
    For years I was afraid to go to AA. I knew that if I did, I could never drink again and I had no idea how I was going to do that.
    But I did.
    You can, too.
    I’ll read up on your other posts and comment when I have feel like I have something to contribute.

    • Dennie.. Thank you so much for looking out for me.. The feed back is more than I could hope for in a public/private bloggy world.. The connections I have been making as of late are real and true.. I feel like I’m being more real and true with myself and not so guarded and fucked up.. I’m soul searching.. Getting shit done.. I’m ready, and I know what steps need to be taken.. Thank you so much again..
      P.s. why can’t I find your blog when I click on your name.. I’m all confused…

      • I’m confused too.Not a techie and it takes me forever to figure this stuff out. The only thing I can think of is that I wrote directly to you and my name isn’t linked to my blog……here it is…
        You just keep putting one foot in front of the other girl. Do it for you. Not your kids, not your husband, not your family. Just you.
        “You will be amazed before you are halfway through…..”

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