yesterdays lessons.. sucess today…

I want to blame him for setting me up… I want to blame him for coming home, seeing me a tad stressed and making me (in my fav glass) a large icy cocktail with lime on the edge of my glass…  I want it to be his fault that he left it sitting on the table telling me to hang while he took the gals out to play… “You shouldn’t fucking make that for me!!!!” I want to yell….  I dont… I dont yell… I dont dump it down the drain.. I dont beg him to help me not hinder me… NOPE…

I let it sit there in all its cold beautiful glory.. While I clean up after them… I try to breath it thru.. Telling myself Ill dump it and go to bed when the gals do.. Yes, that’s what Ill do… Except I am lying to myself… I know Ill drink it… and many more… and with him…

So I do… I did… I dont feel like shit today.. I woke up mad.. I woke up mad at him… I can see this is twisty… I know it is me.. I also know he may not want me to quit.. for his own safety… so he doesn’t have to look within and see what turmoil this is really becoming…

With that said.. I am to blame, but also I need to love myself… I am not going to give up… I am starting over today… day one… That stopid voice in the back of my mind yelling obcenities at me… (You idiot! What the Fuck are you doing to your self?!?!? These girls deserve so much better by you!)

I ignore her today… I can work thru this.. I need to focus.. and love myself.. This is the hardest thing I have had to do… I have never 100% been that fond of me… This sucks right? My Mother always said.. “Be your own best friend.” I thought she was an Idiot… I was mean.. Now I know she is right.. She is lovely.. I was wrong…

So Pushing thru today… I have a shit ton on my plate.. I need to do this.. I need to figure out a way to get him to understand.. A way for him to support it.. And a way for me to support myself… because.. it is all me….

One thought on “yesterdays lessons.. sucess today…

  1. Forget the blame. This is a disease. It wants you to hate yourself.
    You are worth loving.
    It wants to keep you weak.
    You are strong.
    Only you need to understand. Not your husband. Not your parents. Not your kids. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks….

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