a new day of finding the new me….


a feeling of calm, and peace oddly set in this morning.. I woke up next to my love.. still smelling of vodka from last night… I looked at him and felt bad instead of mad.. I see he had a whole half of a bottle.. the Big bottle … Than I remembered not just 2 weeks ago I was the gal drinking the other half… I am his other half… I am sad for that… I woke up during times like that feeling so fuzzy fucked up that the overcompensation for everything made my life exhausting.. I feel pain in my heart… I love him so much.. and this family.. I would do anything for them… Before I would do anything.. Now I need to do everything I can do for me first..  I never was confident in myself… dont get me wrong its not like It is not a work in progress.. I still have a  fucked up perception on my self..  I am just not fucked up today… I am sober today.. I need to wake up and take care of myself.. and Than my children.. I am willing to work and make small changes… Get strong and healthy.. So our daughters can see what life can be like…    I am seeing today what my life can be like..  We have everything we need.. Right in front of us.. I have no need to chase that fucked up person I thought I needed to be.. I am not sure who I am yet.. I know it is not the Wife, Mother, Friend that is a drunk by night fucked up super whacked out mom by day…  I need to take it minute by second…  take it easy on myself.. the challenge has been to quiet the negative noise in my head..  (quite impossible to turn off completely) but turn that shit down…  alleviate the pain and resentment..

just be…

let go let God..

find me……

leX

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2 thoughts on “a new day of finding the new me….

  1. Wow – I’m so glad we found each other – like you, I struggle with a spouse who drinks to excess – is an alcoholic, whatever. And it makes this journey to sobriety and recovery so much more difficult. Maybe we can help each other figure this mess out? Big hugs to you!
    Jess

    • I’m feeling like something has to give.. I need to find that place where I don’t think twice about not drinking… It surrounds my family, friends and coworkers. It’s exhausting quite frankly, so lots if sleep and hiding in a bubble may be what is needed for now.. Your not alone.. I am not either.. It just feels like a bottomless pit of everyone handing us our nemesis..

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