A grieving kind of a good?grief…


Today I muddled thru.. It is funny how many things I can accomplish at the same time in the midst of a depression/grieving kind of a thing.. Woke up (not hung) felt like crying and remaining in bed for the day… But, due to 3 small children and shit needing to get done I pulled myself out of bed.. And started .. Breakfast.. Packing for oldest camp.. Packing lunch and bags for beach outing with smallest tots.. Beach with dear friends and driving.. House work baths and bedtime and now I finally sit and get to feel it.. I can see a pattern.. An ugly habit I have.. To have such strikes g emotions I just carry on and push them down till I snap and push thru till “it’s five o’clock “.. Than drink and repeat… Not all days are spent beaching it with friends.. But I have shit to do.. And I have tons of feelings to feel and choose to ignore..
Today.. I recognize a feeling.. It is good old fashioned grief… I’m fucking sad.. Grieving the loss of a friend my old BS self.. The important feeling snubber… Booze.. Wine… What ever… LaLa Land.. I am sad…scared.. And upset with the way I let myself go… Wasting away.. Wasted… Sad for that.. Sad for me.. Sad for my family having me like that.. Like this… Sad for my marriage and relationship with husband… My best friend.. This is slipping into I’m not sure what.. I need my own journey to sobriety.. Its hard to watch him self destruct?.. It’s hard to not get the love and joy I deserve.. I need support from the people I love most…
I’m done..
I’m crying.. Done crying.. I am not drinking today…I smelled the freshly washed heads of my babies sober and tucked them in with a prayer and a kiss and now I’m going to bed,.. Sober.. Sad, but sober…..
Peace

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3 thoughts on “A grieving kind of a good?grief…

  1. Sad, but sober, is a fantastic place to be. Welcome to humanity. Hang on, you’re in for one hell of an exhilarating ride! And you won’t want to miss one second. Tears do more than wash the debris from our eyes, they clean our heart. This too shall pass. Way to go.

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