this has gone on longer than a month.. I feel like my positivity should be greater than it is.. first of all this is the biggest challenge that I have ever faced in my life and this includes having 3 children within 4 years… don’t get me wrong I am proud of what I am doing, and how far I have come, but there is this naggy nagging feeling in my guts.. like I am full of shit or doing this for nothing because I am about to fuck it up at any moment.. I feel quite lonely in this house full of non-stop-bebe-action and work with lovely friends and clients and husbands whom even though struggles greatly with his own shit loves me like no other.. I am weary… I am tired.. I am mad that I have such a fucking problem that I have to work so hard at it.. I cannot be a regular drinking person who has one or two to enjoy the nice crispy taste on a cool summers eve.. nope I drink to get shit faced wasted and feel like shittier shit in the morning.. wow.. I know this bit of brain info has been swirling around for some time.. from the time Mr’s son was in town taking each waking moment of his time from me and gals.. to the time our family vacay was put off due to non funds and a F’d up binge due to Mr and all the other referb from that.. to the time I wanted to go with the girls to day drink on the patio but had to stay home cause I know i am to weak yet… I have the clench in my jaw.. the bite in my belly to just have one.. (bottle of wine) just one to see if i really can’t drink… to show myself and what ever else in my orbit that I can really do it and be ok.. I am sobEr.. I dont want to drink.. Ill make myself a list.. why I should why I shouldnt
Why I should drink…
1. can calm all anxiety.
2. summers coming to an end and I haven’t utilized my patio much for doing so.
3. I want to. and can have just one more or two with Him..
4. (I added after I read the rest) I want to smoke, and it only goes hand in hand…
Why I shouldn’t drink…
1. Obvy… Ill feel like shit tomorrow and I have a big day with gals and work..
2. I already put in 31 Fucking days.. I can go 32? Right?
3. The Gals…..
4. Me, my health, my heart, my mind….
5. I need to get over this hump and put myself before the booze and everything else. be selfish for the moment till you get better and recover
Yes Yes I know .. no out-ways the yes…..
I am in a bad spot.. I know this also.. will be trying to contact a helper person.. dont want to drink…