Day 1 re-dux….


I tried.. and failed.. I got shit face wasted last night.. thought I could test my self on just having a glass or two.. I know I was kidding myself..  I am still trying to love myself, but it is hard over the guilt and shame I threw my day into… This is hard.. the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I know I need help.. I can not depend on my significant other for that.. He tried to be supportive since returning from my escape get away vacay, but I will not dwell on this.. This is my sobriety.. my shit.. my fucking body and soul and mind whom cannot drink or will just fuck things up… I am done.. I have been so good, healthy detoxing my body, and mind… the Cheap ass wine really did a doozy on my head..   which leads me to  a new list.. a starting over list.. this is my life and my list…

I hate drinking because.

1. It makes me want to smoke

2. I do smoke and too much and breath like a big wooly mammoth the next day

3. I cannot just have one.. the fucking wolf says you have one, you actually finish the bottle and than some..

4. It makes me fell like a guilty jerky dumbass

5. Hangovers blow

6. My darling daughters deserve better

 

so my test was a big fucking failure, and I deserve life and sobriety..  lesson learned ya big fat stinkin wolfie.. you suck big time..

Lex

 

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13 thoughts on “Day 1 re-dux….

  1. Hang in there. It is a process. Be kind to yourself. I did something really hokey yesterday. I wrote “I am enough” on my bathroom mirror. It helped me today. Hugs-MJ

  2. hey we have all been there. i am only on day 5 ( for the millionth time i believe) and at least we keep getting back on that dang horse. don’t beat yourself up- think back to why it happened, what kind of mood you were in and what you can do next time wolfie rears his ugly head. hang in there!

    peace cheryl

    • I am sure also this will be my millionth day 2.. But I will do this slow but sure.. One day at a time.. Kinda like loosening baby weight.. I had three kids in 4 years packed on a few over time.. So logically loosening slow but sure will make it stick.. And with my sobriety, day by day slow n steady…
      Peace to you…

  3. You are absolutely, positively right. This is a PROCESS…. and it’s your process. OK, experiment failed. Time for the next one. This time, maybe a different experiment. Maybe, just for TODAY, it’s the no drinking experiment. And when wolfie comes knocking, you scream really loud and tell that bastard to FUCK OFF! Not welcome. No way. No how. And then you do or eat or sing or paint or color or cook one of your favorite things and listen to some really great music and then write down 5 more reasons you’re doing this TODAY experiment. I’m in your corner and everything is going to be OK. Really.

    • Yes my new experiment.. Or maybe I prefer “Evil Plan”.. Hahaha.. Today.. Good coffee, check.. Snugly sweet bebes, check.. No booze, check.. And yes loud music, and perchance terrible kitchen dancing… Thank you for the uplifting words!

  4. Being honest with yourself is a positive thing. The fact that you keep mentioning your girls also shows your determination and an inner strength that you keep digging into. The best inventors didn’t succeed on the first try. Be gentle with yourself. Do something today that takes care of you and loves you.

  5. I like your blog!

    I went back to wine drinking for many of the same reasons as you but now I’ve got a month (again). This time I feel ready to think through the drink. It was a hell of a week but I survived without a drink because my time had come. Yours will too. Only when you are ready and not a moment sooner. Go easy on yourself, it’s all part of the process of growing. You are doing great by being honest!

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