Number 5 and alive…


Life works in mysterious ways, no? I totally kicked myself I the ass last week.. I don’t even recognize that person now.. I feel like I had a bad dream and a two day cheap wine hangover and on I forge.. It has shown me the blessings I have, and what behaviors I can tolerate in my life and relationships and I am finding out I have a tough stand up gal inside of me that asks for what I need and get what I deserve…
I have always been a people pleaser, I have this scared little girl who thinks you may leave me if I don’t so what you want me to do, or will love me more if I say what you want to hear…. This shit is whacked 😉 I can’t stand myself for that… I need that to stop, and have gradually made her take a seat on the back burner, and this new me that I keep wondering about is emerging.. I have no time for this shit… In order for me to be happy I need to ask for what I need from people… Or be firm on my ideals and beliefs and not give in on others “ways”…
My first thought on this is dealing with my beloved husband who is slightly blinded at the time with his own addictions.. No mind you this is his and not mine, but being in a marriage and him seeing me struggle daily to keep clean and sober for my family and myself he is in complete denial of himself, and even me.. He has told me that I do not have a problem, and I shouldn’t dwell on something that is not a big deal…. Now Ye Olds Me easily would back down and agree.. I could feel a transformation last week… When I fucked up and drank.. Had my “test” if you will… I needed a shoulder my person, the man… He had no compassion and nor did he think I should talk about it.. That moment was like WOW! This truly is my own… Ad I need sober people to help me not codependent drinking people. My new self emerged… I stood my ground and set up boundaries and said I can no longer drink.. I cannot be worried what someone else thinks or feels so they feel more comfortable.. Nope you uncomfy? Sorry I got shit to do here…
So still taking it one day at a time… Today I will not drink, for me… That’s a big fucking Nadstrovia to me! Cheers to me and my sparkly moment… I am finding this New Me chick, and I kinda like her, and it’s been a long time since I liked me…..
Love n Peace and all that shtuff…
Lex

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2 thoughts on “Number 5 and alive…

  1. As a recovering addict myself, I understand the stuggle to stay clean, but trust me, it’s possible, take it one day at a time, if you can i recommend AA, they help in ways you can’t imagine, you can meet other addicts as well who understand how hard it is to stay clean. You can do it, just trust in yourself!

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