Day 9 and mostly fine..

So it’s been a while.. I have struggled greatly and still do wether or not to hit up AA… I am just not sure which new path I will be taking on my sobriety, and next choices for my life.. Firstly I know this is a big change in my life, and as the fog lifts I am seeing clearer into my depression issues an learning how to take it me day at a time is difficult for me because I am an over thinker.. I worry to much.. There’s some codependency issues here and this sometimes overthrows my need for recovery.. So with my mind clearing up and seeing all this shit before me I hold on to being strong sober me.. And try desperately to kick that other lady out of my mind with the need to drink, and help someone else’s problems..
There are many sides of me.. What I do know is the big change is a coming, and it frightens me.. Dumb, no? Why should happiness and healthy sobriety scare the living day lights out of me? Why should detaching myself from my husbands addiction be a bad thing? And mostly wouldn’t a healthy strong new Mommy be exactly what I should set my standards on for these little girls, without being terrified and guilt stricken?
Yes all this is hard to do.. Yes I’m fucking scared because I have for so long behaved in a way that has taken me out of reality.. In the now.. That drunk me was hateful and sick and sad and super judge mental of me and others… She hated herself and was extremely unhappy in her life.. Which now seems like a load of shit.. I have a beautiful life, and it is me that can make it the best life… I did this to myself, and now I will work ,my ass off to undo what’s been done.. I will prove to myself, and my husband who loves me just as I am that I am better than all of this..
I am frightened, but I have fight..
I am sad, but I have light…
I see a pinhole in the end of the tunnel… And there is where I will be shining, in sobriety..

2 thoughts on “Day 9 and mostly fine..

  1. I have personal issues with AA. That said, I have gone to meetings and have been treated with open arms every time. I’m still testing the waters, one thing that I enjoy is the talking and listening. I haven’t shared during meetings, but I do like to listen and learn. Will I work the steps? I don’t know. I’ve read The Sober Lawyers Personal 12 Steps and Maya Junes Sobering Adventure Sobriety Playbook. I like the idea of personal steps and toolboxes.

    Try not to focus on the past, today you are sober be proud of that. Focus on staying sober today.

  2. Change is frightening. Sometimes it’s easier to stay in the familiar shit than to move into something foreign which can create great discomfort..
    So you like that little taste of the “new” you? Keep going… and-oh, yeah…that “new” is the real you. One that the Wolf has not allowed to emerge. And why? Because the Wolf knows that that you is ultimately stronger than he and can beat this thing. Which is the reason he continues to tempt you.
    HE is the frightened one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s