Malfunctions and shit like that.

So I have no control over alcohol. I am at war here people. I have a hate and such guilt for myself right now. I had a beer which led the night into many cocktails of some kind or another. I didn’t even try to say no thank you. And my “Mr. sidekick” never once said STOP, or WHAT ABOUT THE HARD WORK FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS.. Though I never said NO THANK YOU IM SOBER, I WORK IN THE MORNING, I HAVE 3 GIRLS TO TEND TO AND DRUNK LEX IS STUPID LEX.. Nope turned back into the ol let’s party cause kids are overnight at in laws and I haven’t. a care in the world.. Until now.. I’m sick hungover guilty.. My cares in the world have to deal with tired disgustingly hungover mama.. I just had to get out of bed and help one out.. And saw myself in the mirror.. Not a thing I want to see let alone the three people who love me endlessly.. I did this to me.. I am an alcoholic. I am worthy of so much more than this.. I am starting over..
I want this to be it..
I want to be done..
I have to be..
This is not the life I want to lead..
This was a major malfunction . Me + booze is the down fall of everything..
I need to help myself..

9 thoughts on “Malfunctions and shit like that.

  1. Ok, I went to an AA picnic yesterday and was interrogated (for reals) about two things: my bullshit and not attending as many meetings as I should. A really fierce woman (whom I whole-heartedly adore) was asking me about my “story.” She asked me if I had reached out to other women in the group. I told her (very quietly) that I hadn’t but that I had a great online support system. She laughed and looked at me incredulously,”But no one there is going to pull your covers.” I am slow on the uptake, so I asked for clarification. She said (in a louder voice), “No one ONLINE IS GOING TO CALL YOU ON YOUR BULLSHIT!” Anywhoo, this is me calling you out, Lex. Why didn’t you call??? I was having a shit day, too. I seriously wanted to drink… Fucking seriously (maybe I should of called you- man, this shit is hard). Next time, CALL!!! Also, try meetings! I thought AA was a cult for a longtime but I might just need a fucking cult if I want to make it through this shit. 90 in 90 sounds insurmountable to me but if it helps me build a legit sober network around myself and stop fantasizing about bottles of bourbon then it might be worth a fucking try, right?

    Here are some “slogans” that I have picked up at meetings that help me:
    Do the next right thing (I am going to get this tattooed on my wrist)
    Go, do, be (we can’t control anyone other than ourselves- this one might end up on the other wrist)
    Eyes on your own paper
    ENOUGH (this is from Brene Brown- I sharpie this on my leg (until I can get it inked) to remind me that, “I am enough”, “It is enough”, “They are enough” and I have had ENOUGH alcohol and bullshit (my own) to last four lifetimes).

    So dust your awesome self off and DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING. You did some additional research now let it go. Just work on the next 24. And most importantly, DON’T DRINK, even if your ass falls off.

    • Maya June-
      For years I had a kick-ass sponsor like the woman you mentioned. She called me a drama queen. She called me a crybaby. She told me to grow up. She told me life wasn’t easy.She told me all the stuff I didn’t want to hear. She made me really angry at times. And as much as I hated it, and it made me uncomfortable, I listened. I did as she “suggested”. And today, she is still my friend. I hear her voice in my head when I let life get me down. She is wonderful, and I love her and am forever grateful to her.
      BTW…she has stayed sober through cancer, losing a home–more than one, actually, and the death of her son to name a few tragedies. In spite of all that, she prefers sobriety to drunkenness. One of her “slogans”…”The great thing about sobriety is you get to feel. The bad thing about sobriety is you get to feel.” So true.

  2. You need outside support, it sounds like. You can quit drinking when you really want to. I’ve been sober since May 14th, 2013 and although my support system (I.e. my family that I live with) show no signs of help (the unlocked liquor cabinet is full and pot smoke fills the house most of the time) I maintain my sobriety because its the one thing that makes me feel strong. You have to do it for you and your kids. You CAN do it! You can… Just keep trying. =>

  3. Hi Lex. I feel your struggle. Seriously… when you can go 30 days without… I think that’s great. Sounds like you can do it! I also had 3 little ones in 4 years… it’s a lot. You have a lot on your plate and probably feel overwhelmed many times. It’s okay to feel that way. Knowing you keep trying is a good start. Don’t beat yourself up! September is a new start!

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