I am feeling back on track today.. fresh fall air..My non- boozical brains working up some sort of storm on who am I now, where do I go with this and what will I do than… Belle had a wonderful little snip-it on a pod cast this morning that had me thinking on how yes.. everything has to do with everything.. I have been struggling due to my surroundings and other drama and triggers, but that being said.. I haven’t quite had a focus on this whole ME BEING SOBER thing.. I have thought for so long I was the fucker fucking things up in my life.. Yes I admit I did.. But what I didn’t think of is the booze itself that I was using to numb being a mom of three under the age of 4, a marriage rocky from this, and a complete and utter chaotic mess I have made my home and surroundings.. The booze was making me fuck it up.. I Drank because I was sad, unhappy hated me.. Than the drink made me fuck up all the things that I had going for me.. I still have my job, marriage, and children.. thank the stars.. I just really put the pause button on my life for the past 4 or more years.. NOW I have had a problem with the drinking for like 20 years.. Never really coming to terms with this.. It was my socially acceptable way of being an extrovert fun loving party girl.. But the past 4 or so years is when my REAL life started.. My children.. Yes I am more to life than a Mother.. But I am going to start with this because I can… I had a really hard time dealing with being a parent… Life was no longer all about me.. My husband and I disconnected and life for me was unmanageable without drinking… I could deal..
Yeah deal really well.. 2am hangovers feeding baby’s.. And only hung over than because I was drinking since 6 pm… Pass out Black out waking up with hopes the gals slept thru not needing a parent to soothe them back to be…
I am not going to linger on this.. The fucking point being is that When I drank I sucked.. I really did.. Now I don’t.. I am present.. I will make sure I take care of myself for these little people that have a better chance than I…. I watched my father drink and ultimately became one of his drinking buddies.. This is acceptable? I don’t want it to be.. I want to erase those thoughts of mommy from their mind.. And I will… I can… Everything is relevant.. I am a rambling idiot.. and this is good and wonderful and I am fucking sober and this was the hardest thing I have done.. seriously.. I am here.. doing this.. ME!