Detachment, Avoidance, test drinking, selfLove and other Bull Shit..


I am avoiding checking in with myself.. I have avoided blogging, I have been scared of fucking up.. I kinda did.. Had a sip or two.. A 30 day sober test if you will.. I was ashamed while it was happening, but I caught myself, HAULT!  It has been a fucking test of the wills living in a codependent situation where my significant other is in denial of his drinking, and mine.. Actually in a particular struggly day, he told me to not be so hard on myself and I should drink because I am doing so well.. 30 fucking days is about as long as I have ever gone.. So this is where the detachment thing is coming into play.  How do I detach? Good fucking question.. I do a lot of busy busy work. I go to bed early a lot.. I kind of am living in this sobriety bubble not doing anything..  I see what happens to me is the old what’s life like out there, because for some reason I just forgot what life was like before.. Also I question my addiction. I wonder, am I truly an alcoholic, or just using it a tad to often? 
 
These are all old standby bullshit lies that the Gremlin Voice tells me.. Or, look at him, he’s so trashed, you never acted like that.. SHUT UP GREMLIN WOLFIE VOICE! Yup. I’m full of shit. There is more to life, and I just can’t come around to being completely honest with myself and others , and just ask for help.. I need help out side of what I’m working with here because as Belle and the obviousness of the whole situation, you are where you are cause you do what you do.. I am unable to completely get this shit under control, unless I switch my approach..  Me asking for help.
This is hard.. Me helping myself, eh, I try.. Me loving myself, now that is tough shit.. I deserve all the peace and happiness, I know.. But buckling down and doing good for me, it’s my fucking problem.. 
I have a problem. I know this.. Is it a problem with myself, or a problem with my drinking problem..
 
I am working
I am soul searching
I am reaching out
I am not confident
I am not happy at the moment
I am struggling
Today I am sober
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