I will tell you. In months, or years past I would tell you the worst thing of course would be death suddenly to a loved on or getting pregnant when I thought I was already done, world war or even another depression.. I mean bad shit happens to people all the time.. Bad stuff..
Well yesterday I was floating on my pink cloud wondering if I could feel like this forever.. I am on day 11 AGAIN.. I was going to discount that fuck up and subtract it from my last total of 30 days, but came to terms with myself.. I cant lie.. I am doing this.. I was on day 11.. Any way.. The weather was perfect.. Indian summer I am sure they call it.. Got lots of shit done.. I feel like I am able to accomplish so much whilst sober.. Yes.. Stars aligned, kids in wonderful playful hilariously adorable moods.. Perfect day..
And what is the worst thing that could possibly happen??????? At that moment.. I would never have guessed it..
Dear friends from my past drinking life.. (not so far off in a distance) Thought to bring me a gift.. Because I was the person they thought of first.. Me.. They are opening a new restaurant, and during the afternoon had a wine tasting.. yup.. people actually taste and spit wine.. I KNOW!! I could never imagine spitting it out.. Any way..
They think “Hey, Lex would love this case full of barely tapped beautiful bottles of wine!” So as lovely friends as they are they dropped it off at my home.. My newly found sober cocoon.. The place I previously used as my lonely watering hole.. The place they had witnessed me trashed on many occasions, sometimes unable to finish a conversation, sometimes blacking out wastely and sneaking off to bed, sometimes while my littles all snuggled in their beds I partied it up like I was a fun hilarious friend to hang with.. Yes.. They brought it to me..
And at that moment, this was the worst thing that could happen to me.. I was weak with newly sober eyes.. I was tired and exhausted by the toxins leaving my body from months and months of abuse on and off again.. Yes I was handed my hand.. 12 gifts that could fuck me and my life up in an instant.. I was frozen with terror.. I do not remember any conversation we had.. they were here for at least 20 minutes.. All I could do was envision myself like a rabid zombie or starved vampire hiding in the back with my bottle, my bottles.. All alone and one by one loosing touch with my new shiny reality..
I know there was a moment I thought I was alone.. I picked up the prettiest most exotic red from Argentina and held it, rocked it like a little baby.. I was was also rocking… and SNAP! #2 was in front of me.. looking at me like I was fucking crazy.. (I was actually going crazy at this moment) I smiled and slipped it back into its perfectly square cardboard resting spot next to all the other beautiful ones.. And turned on my heel and got the bath started..
I have 3 kids so this I knew would occupy my time for at least 60 min.. And during this time.. I covered all scenarios… Im sure you know.. Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I Do I or Dont I?????????????
I didn’t.. I called my normie sis, and she picked it all up.. I stashed 3 on the side, thinking we would cook some beef stew or shanks or anything that I could with them because they were the 3 calling my name.. Ones that I would never find or buy unless in Napa or out to a fancy restaurant..
Got the kids in bed hid in bed myself and waited..
I got up a few times and looked at them.. shining in the kitchen light.. and after 2.5 hours of me putting myself into a very fucked up toxic mindset.. I got up and poured the fuckers down the drain.. I am done with this..
I would have drank them tonight.. I was ignoring the Gremlin in my head.. I was pretending to go over recipes and thinking that I could fool myself.. but I am a fool.. I am a drunk fool.. I cannot drink..
I am proud of myself.. I am also grieving my past life today.. An old friend put to rest.. I can see her in the distance, slowly dieing..
I am now seeing the new me and the adventures that will be possible when I am sober..
for this I am grateful..