so.. I have had a person reading personal SOBER emails and Bloggy posts, drafts and other personal SOBER shit.. I got scared.. and than I got mad, and now I am just trying to figure out why being anonymous and taking any measure possible could possibly offend another person.. My person.. My person who I hope to support me doing what I can to kick this shit.. I am stupid emotional.. I am sad. and Hurt.. I will not give up my journey.. I have plans to continue getting strong, and sometimes you need support to do so.. Kind of like those weight lifting people.. don’t they need support to push and lift that shit?? I found what has been working for me.. I trust myself.. I am not going to get sucked into a place that could hurt me more than I already hurt.. I deserve a healthy happy life.. and If I dont, my littles do..
they get a mommy that is here in mind body and spirit.. not just in body.. I am tired of being numb to this.. I am not going to defend my self, my sober self to anyone.. I went around for years trying to prove myself to others, my family.. I was actually trying to prove to myself that I was really ok.. yeah.. I was not ok at all.. I am still getting thru this.. I am working liking the woman I am today.. This my friend is hard shit.. I have numbed out that central part of my brain for such a long time that it now being open raw and exposed is a painful experience.. But I know in order to regain control and peace, I have to feel it.. Use the burn and annoying itch to get strong and heal…
I am trying to get back to organizing and setting small goals and rewarding myself with small treats.. These are hard for me also.. I have a tendency to make things very difficult for myself.. I Over clean and organize which ends up in making disasters in other areas.. Makes no sense.. I deprive myself of treats and self love, because I feel like I don’t deserve it..
time to love ME..