24.. and Gremlins

Things are coming to yet another peak.. It is the time I believe my brains become clear and clean of all the toxins I once put into my body.. This happens and I start feeling..  From head to toe..  Weather it be thoughts, anxiety, pains and aches, I feel.. My head once numb and filled with self loathing and hatred is electric and open.. I can see why I drank, I can see how I end up repeating it over and over again..  I get to a point and wonder what is the point.. Now today I have been taught a lesson in why the fuck I need to continue on this path.. It is not worth getting into, but the things I need to accomplish and take care of are best handled sober.. Top priority is littles.. Today they are all sick and snuggled on the couch and If I had the smallest of hangovers (mine usually were redic huge) I would be absent.. I would have spent the whole day in my head contemplating how to get rid of the shakey sweatys and the head ache and to look decent to others on the outside.. I would be low low energy and snappy and cranky.. Today I am not. I am not drinking today.. But my sick head thinks about the redundancy in my life..  Plain, simple boring.. Filled up to the brim with lovely littles and still a little lonely..  Tired, always tired.. Same o same..

So I suppose I need to let myself finish what I started an at least get to day 100.. It looks like Feb 6 is 100 days If I push thru to 108, I can have another sober children’s birthday..  Can I get to Feb 14th?? At this second of the day it is a yes.. I never follow thru with my goals and today I want to.. I am prepared to work.. And I need to Continue to ask for help.. Outside help.. I need sober support, as it is still tricky today under this roof.. I am the only sober adult.. So I am going to hit my brainstorm button and get some options..

I have a tendency to skip the 30 day mark because my twisty fucked up drinky Gremlin tells me it is time.. “you have been sober this long you deserve a drink.. You can do it in moderation.. You will be fine” When It is time to tell that bastard to fuck off I am not falling for that. What I deserve is Sobriety, and a clean clear coincidence… A place where there is peace in my inner most soul.. I crave it..

Today is 24 days.. here it to the next 84…

5 thoughts on “24.. and Gremlins

  1. Lex, I get this on sooooo many levels. I’m not experiencing unicorns, glitter and rainbows at all. But a few times a week I get these random fleeting feelings of excited anticipation. I have no idea what it is, they only last a few seconds and then its back to the daily grind but I do know that did not happen when I was drinking. So for now, as shallow as it sounds, I’m hanging out for more of that. And yes I still struggle it’s just different than before. I compare it to learning algebra ( which I suck at) learning the basics and then move to the next level. Hope that helps ♥. Feel free to email me runningfromthebooze@gmail.com.

    • Thank you R.. It’s funny how easy it is to let your mind slip and go there.. I’m assuming like biceps the more I work my thinker tell stronger it’ll become.. I’m adding you to my email contacts.. Xo

  2. 24! Awesome!

    Reach out whenever you need some support – your kind words to me today really put me in a better headspace, so thank you so much. You deserve sobriety – you are earning it one day at a time. Xoxo

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