I left my bubble last weekend and went to a place that would normally would have been a maj trigger.. I was scared I would mess up big time. And if I drank I would make a complete fool of myself and the people I was with.. I was not safe I was completly vunerable and alone.. I held my head down and did the work I was there to do and hid some more.. In doing so (Hididng in a luxurous paid for Hotel room by the by) I found out some things about myself…. I am NOT by any means ready to walk out into the world with my soberiety on my sleve and face shit this way.. I also know that I crave peace.. Peace and quiet from the hustle and bustle of my lovely home and three littles.. Peace and quiet from my head and all the shit that I continue to deal with in my day to day.. Peace from living with booze all around me.. I did not want to come home and that made me feel awful.. Also being home has me tempted… Gremlin playing tricks on my mind that I have done this huge feat and I was sober and now I can reward my self with drink.. I am filled with guilt and sadness and pure longing to be alone and in hiding.. These are hard things to face for me, and doing it all sober is INSANE… I know I need to stand up brush myself off and find and fight a little harder.. I know I am not one of those people that woke up in May and just quit.. NO I AM NOT, or I wouldn’t have all those day ones.. There is deep seeded things that I need to face and heal.. I yearn to feel healthy and normal and full of light and energy.. I am not sure why I don’t.. I am clean from all the toxic poison, but under it all is different levels of toxic poison..
I am ready to be whole.. I am ready to find and feed my passion.. I crave being the Mother my bebes deserve… I Deserve to be happy and full of light… Don’t we all??? Why do i let my self be on the bottom to the list.. I have every good intention in self care/love…. I am going today to ask for outside outside help.. My inside help has no intention in helping me.. He thinks this whole journey is crazy and bullshit and I am a happier person drunk.. I am pushing that part of my life aside for the moment to fix me..