Finding time to realize all sort of crazy shite..

I left my bubble last weekend and went to a place that would normally would have been a maj trigger.. I was scared I would mess up big time. And if I drank I would make a complete fool of myself and the people I was with.. I was not safe I was completly vunerable and alone.. I held my head down and did the work I was there to do and hid some more.. In doing so (Hididng in a luxurous paid for Hotel room by the by) I found out some things about myself…. I am NOT by any means ready to walk out into the world with my soberiety on my sleve and face shit this way.. I also know that I crave peace.. Peace and quiet from the hustle and bustle of my lovely home and three littles.. Peace and quiet from my head and all the shit that I continue to deal with in my day to day.. Peace from living with booze all around me.. I did not want to come home and that made me feel awful.. Also being home has me tempted… Gremlin playing tricks on my mind that I have done this huge feat and I was sober and now I can reward my self with drink..  I am filled with guilt and sadness and pure longing to be alone and in hiding..  These are hard things to face for me, and doing it all sober is INSANE… I know I need to stand up brush myself off and find and fight a little harder.. I know I am not one of those people that woke up in May and just quit.. NO I AM NOT, or I wouldn’t have all those day ones.. There is deep seeded things that I need to face and heal.. I yearn to feel healthy and normal and full of light and energy.. I am not sure why I don’t.. I am clean from all the toxic poison, but under it all is different levels of toxic poison..

I am  ready to be whole.. I am ready to find and feed my passion.. I crave being the Mother my bebes deserve… I Deserve to be happy and full of light… Don’t we all??? Why do i let my self be on the bottom to the list.. I have every good intention in self care/love…. I am going today to ask for outside outside help..  My inside help has no intention in helping me.. He thinks this whole journey is crazy and bullshit and I am a happier person drunk..  I am pushing that part of my life aside for the moment to fix me..



2 thoughts on “Finding time to realize all sort of crazy shite..

  1. Take it slow Lex. This is your thing and you will find the way to do this on your terms. That’s the beauty of what we’re all doing. Finding a way to work this in our unique set of circumstances, same goal with different playbooks.

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