Just when you think you’ve got IT, you don’t….

So, as I said in the past I was trying this sobriety thing in a whole new fashion.. Keeping to what I know, what keeps me safe.. Sticking close to home, holding my daughters close.. Getting a lot of sleep… House work, kids, school, cooking, salon work, and store.. I have felt weak for a while.. So I did these things, shying away from social events.. Pushing away from friends and family and husband and anyone who has or had something to do with or be around drinking..
It’s my sober bubble.. I popped it..
I stepped back into a situation that I knew damn well I couldn’t control myself in.. I had a big head and 45 days under my belt.. Strong sober momma, out with the ladies, no curfew fine restaurant and wine and…. Here’s where I fucked up.. I didn’t blink once and ordered a drink.. And it was over.. See, historically I can’t have just one.. So obviously I tried, due to my new found fresh outlook, strong sober brain.. I failed.. I fell into the old me, the girl who does not stop there.. The girl, not the strong sober mom who would do anything to be brave and healthy for her children… No the girl who drinks and tries to not obviously pound down drinks, trying to keep it under wraps, but after two, three the fog lifts and num replaces it and the Fuck it I Deserve it replaces it all..
I loose all sense of strength.. I did this to myself so I don’t stop.
And here I sit .. Hungover.. A place I didn’t want to see again… Not only do I feel like shit, I’m talking to myself with hate and guilt and loathing.. I’m so over it.. I am sad and disgusted..
I’m ready to kick this… I am ready for the fight of my life.. I know somewhere deep down inside is the woman who I deserve and yearn to be..
Ill breeze in dressed beautifully do what I’m there to do, and breeze out after a bubbly water and a few laughs.. I need this to be my new me.. It is attainable, I’m not asking or begging, I’m telling my self.. This is it… No more…

31 thoughts on “Just when you think you’ve got IT, you don’t….

  1. take a couple of hours to feel shitty. and then get busy kicking wolfie to the curb. honestly he’s such a bastard. you can totally do this. as you said to me, you’ve done 45 days so you know you can do 100. i know you can do it too. hugs, me

  2. Stop beating yourself up, it’s the worst thing you can do. So you went out and had a bit too much to drink, what about the rest of the ladies there? Just get back to what’s normal for you now. I stopped smoking, I don’t count the days, it’s been several years … I have had the very, very odd cigarette … it doesn’t put me back to day 1 stopping smoking. Why this huge mystery surrounding giving up drinking alcohol?

  3. Sorry, I have to get back to this, I have a bee in my bonnet …I don’t think I’m a smoker again, I just think ‘well, that was daft’ and I give my teeth a super good brush and move on. As Belle says think about and put it behind you, don’t use it as an excuse to be derailed … Don’t be thinking, ‘Oh well, that’s me, no matter how I try I’ll always be a drinker … that’s utter bolloks and you know it by now I’m sure … what an excuse to go back to abusing alcohol … I’ve heard it so many times, I just can’t help myself, what crap … just go back to where you were before you went out, when you were feeling just fine, that’s you noŵ, hugs x

    • Yes! this replay makes so much sense. Was going to write my own original comment but wanted to ditto this one!!! It IS a process and I love the comment about” why this huge mystery too” … I went out with a friend about a month ago who had discovered a ginger liquer he liked and wanted to share with me- We were going to concoct some sort of drink with it- the bartender would help. Well I took a sip and decided that it was nasty. Ordered a ginger beer- you know the soda and it was a treat. He when on to make some sort of cocktail which he enjoyed. My point being that yet again I agree- Get back to what is normal for YOU. What makes your life special! Perhaps not being a sober bubble? I mean it is out there (and sometimes seems to be everywhere) and you decide not to that put poison in your system- good for you. Your mind and body will love you for that choice. Believe me I know what stupid choices I made in the past and they were not of the oh no I had 2 bottles of wine but more like 12- 16 beers and vodka shots- so I certainly know I treated myself like shit. Sounds like you do too! You see it for the crap that it is- Hugs!

      • I know I need to leave the safety bubble at some point, and get my life back, my new strong sober life.. It seriously just was so easy to start where I left off.. I am tired of hurting my body and mind.. I’m ready for life!

      • oh! sorry I talked about the sober bubble that way- that was your first blog I read- and after reading a few more I understand better and as folks here have said take your time. I guess what I was sharing is that a bubble would not work for me but that is me. We all need to do what we need and btw it is good to have support and sharing of how to get there! It is going to sound weird but I wanted and needed was to be around people that were drinking when I stopped as it made me see what a waste of time and money it was. It also made me feel stronger to be around it and not give in. Anyhow sometimes it can be hard to communicate by emails but the main thing is that I hope you know that I know you can and you will do this!
        oh and also sorry that my other reply was filled with typos and wrong words- sheesh- was typing too fast and I really need to get off this computer…. 🙂
        Have a wonderful sober day!!!!

      • No don’t apologize! We each do it in our own time and way! I’m proud of you for being able to be strong in those situations! Seriously, I am so not there.. And I live in a situation where I literally walk with a bubble in because there is maj drinking going on right in front of me…
        Ill get there! I’m ready, and your support means tons!

  4. We are here for you! You don’t deserve feelings of guilt and shame. Us drinkers have given ourselves a lifetime of guilt and shame for something we cannot control. It’s time to do what is best for YOU, because you deserve it.

  5. Don’t beat yourself up too much. You are coming clean and getting right back at it–that says something! I am only on day three so I cannot imagine making it to 45 days! Look back on what went wrong and what you can do next time and move on. Thanks for posting- I have been reading all along and it has helped me decide to get sober. Let’s do this!

    xoxo cheryl

  6. We are all here for you… so glad you posted about it right away. You knew going in you were not ready~ maybe you needed that to happen last night so next time your better prepared at the outing or more confident to decline the invitation. If you need to be in your sober “bubble” for longer that is ok too, don’t feel obligated to attend functions until you are ready.

    You are a confident woman and already have been going in the right direction. You took a detour and today your back on the right road again~


  7. Aww, HUGS. But, in a way, this is fantastic! 😉 You tried to drink in moderation, and you found out how that works–AGAIN. This is getting sober, this process. BUT, at least you’ve got 45 days in your sober bank–all that time adds up to new brain cells, new ways of thinking, improved mental and emotional power to not want to drink. Right back on your horse tomorrow–you got this.

  8. Pingback: Wolfie is a gigantic anus | Tired of Thinking About Drinking

    • Oh, Belle.. Things are on the up and up today.. Got my shit back in order, house tidy, hot coffee, and feet up.. I’m still fragile, but head strong.. I’m going to do this!

  9. Hi ! I know you can can do this !! The tricks wolfie will play on us …For me it’ s the voices babbling about how boring life will be from now on…i’ m only on day 5 …you have 45 days under your belt…you just fell alone the way …but you got back up !! Good for you !

  10. I’m on day 6, and your slip made me realize that we are all alike here. Wolfie is always circling. Glad to hear you are getting right back on the wagon!

  11. Hi first time I read your blog: there was a link to it on Belle’s.
    As someone who doesn’t have a blog and who has started over many times (just starting over again), I appreciate your honesty. I myself find it hard to admit my screwups, even if I have no idea who the people are I would be writing to.
    Keep on. So will I.

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