168 hours.. And now the G.W. shows up??????


it hit me yesterday hard.. I fueled the Gremlin Wolfie after midnight, and she wants more.. Why stop when you already started.. Why continue when you have been well known to fuck it up often… You are the only one who thinks you have a problem.. This is not as bad as you think.. You work, you wake up everyday and take care of these kids and do your shit and, and what???? And feel like a complete jerk and hungover and sick and creatively blocked from everything you know.. You look like hell and old and fat and uncomfortable in your own skin.. This is the truth G.W… I am not normal.. I cannot continue to hurt my mind and body in this way.. I am worth hard work and self love and pure peace..

Last week showed me that my sober tool kit or what I thought was one is completly empty.. I am unable to get out of this bubble.. I cannot go on living like this.. All lonely and sober and just doing what I can to get by, Can I????? Is this normal?? Will I emerge from my sober cocoon and flurish and be a beatiful butterfly ready to take on simple tasks and major commitment and partys without drinking/??? Will this pass and I just be.. I just want to be.. Be me.. sober me.. Is that too much to ask???

I am hiding out with #3 today..   It is cold cold and snowy.. I am lonely.. I washed a wine glass this morning and I thought, shit it is monday a big warm gals of Merlot will be a perfect way to end the day… The Fuck?????

Mind tricks, mind blown, mind my own business.. Mind your manners… Mind is a little twisty and crazy today.. I will Bubble Up and keep my eyes on the prize.. I slept for 10 hours last night.. Must.. Do… Again… Tonight….

I am twitchy.. Hub and I are so far disconnected.. He is lacking in attention, and I am lacking in conversation

no.. I will not drink…?????

No!

xo

Lex

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7 thoughts on “168 hours.. And now the G.W. shows up??????

  1. It sounds like I was a few weeks ago. I wrote this to Belle- “I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I can fluctuate between strength and utter conviction and giving in.” I was desperate.

    But now, I’m 15 days in and feeling strong. I have no idea what’s different this time. I think locking myself away for a day to get over my hangover and then stubbornly pushing through the witching hour helped. Your time will come again- you know you can do this x x x x

  2. I don’t know if this will help but here goes. You’re right, this is a huge mental task, getting and staying sober. I haven’t been a paragon of recovery. Shit, I pretty much did nothing but go to work and watch TV for about a month starting in mid October and I don’t know why. It just felt like that’s all I had the energy for. Today at 162 days I’m kind of coming out of it. Some days I feel like I’m hanging on for dear life, then the very next day I’m issue free. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s ok to not have answers, it’s ok to struggle through this, it’s ok to hate the process, it’s ok to be pissed about having to do this and it’s ok to cry about it. Half the time I feel like I can’t do this and then I berate myself for not being sober the “right” way.Then I gained back the weight I lost and added some more and you can guess the the field days I’ve had with myself over that. I’m not telling you this to be negative, I just want you to know that somehow we find our way even when it’s fucking hard and we make ourselves out to be unworthy. We ARE worth it. We will find our own way. I’m rooting for you Lex.

    • Thanks for the Root!! and Ill take any advice.. I am willing to keep on in my bubble.. I know at this point it is what I have to do.. I am sure there will be a moment I will come out of the fog like.. Ahhhhhhh was that really me???
      I am worthy..
      So are you!
      xo
      Lex

  3. Running FTB said some great statements above….. I feel that way too, one day I am good and the next day I am not. I think (at least I feel I am) not used to the struggle. I never liked it. I am now forced to deal w/ feelings and stress and not use something to medicate me. I think when I tried quiting this time last year and I started to feel things and face “life” I ran back to drinking. I wasted another year. I can’t waste anymore of my life. I’m missing out on a lot, the most important things, my children. That is what I have to remember when it gets tough and I have sucky days. Fight hard for my children on days I want to quit on myself.

    Hang in there Lex…. I know you can do this. Your where you need to be. You stay in your bubble as long as you need too…..when your ready you will take on social challenges. Hugs, MB

  4. I totally get the disconnect with the spouse. My husband and I are fine all day long. Then the witching hour starts and he drinks, he doesn’t want me to, but he continues to. It makes for tense dinner conversation (if any) and our evenings are shit. He’s great during the day and supportive but as yet doesn’t have the courage to quit and it kind of disgusts me. No one said life would be easy. Keep going Lex, you’re back on the bicycle now ride down the street. You can do it.

  5. Yes,hang in, this will pass, it does come in waves, just like life, and I am only saying this because everything seems cyclical in life, it really does. Those ups and downs will even out and there will be less of them. But hang it, you are worth it, we are all worth it!

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