it hit me yesterday hard.. I fueled the Gremlin Wolfie after midnight, and she wants more.. Why stop when you already started.. Why continue when you have been well known to fuck it up often… You are the only one who thinks you have a problem.. This is not as bad as you think.. You work, you wake up everyday and take care of these kids and do your shit and, and what???? And feel like a complete jerk and hungover and sick and creatively blocked from everything you know.. You look like hell and old and fat and uncomfortable in your own skin.. This is the truth G.W… I am not normal.. I cannot continue to hurt my mind and body in this way.. I am worth hard work and self love and pure peace..
Last week showed me that my sober tool kit or what I thought was one is completly empty.. I am unable to get out of this bubble.. I cannot go on living like this.. All lonely and sober and just doing what I can to get by, Can I????? Is this normal?? Will I emerge from my sober cocoon and flurish and be a beatiful butterfly ready to take on simple tasks and major commitment and partys without drinking/??? Will this pass and I just be.. I just want to be.. Be me.. sober me.. Is that too much to ask???
I am hiding out with #3 today.. It is cold cold and snowy.. I am lonely.. I washed a wine glass this morning and I thought, shit it is monday a big warm gals of Merlot will be a perfect way to end the day… The Fuck?????
Mind tricks, mind blown, mind my own business.. Mind your manners… Mind is a little twisty and crazy today.. I will Bubble Up and keep my eyes on the prize.. I slept for 10 hours last night.. Must.. Do… Again… Tonight….
I am twitchy.. Hub and I are so far disconnected.. He is lacking in attention, and I am lacking in conversation
no.. I will not drink…?????