check in, check up, shut up and make shit happen..

Enough! I want to scream as loud as I can.. I want to go out in the 30 degree below zero daylight and beg for mercy.. I beg for grace, and sobriety and health and happiness and self contentment.. I am scared, worried and sad.. I am so fucking over all of feeling like so..  This has been a vicious cycle and I am done.. I am on day 5 after a major blow and too much wine to speak of.. I am mad my body unconsciously forgets how fucking sick and awful I feel after it all. Who in they’re right mind goes out and drinks after feeling like death?? Uh, hello Lex.. A sick and alcoholic person.. Someone not right in the head.. a person dangling on the edge of reality…. Poof.. I am this person, me, mwa???? really… A drunk?? A binge drinking mom of three who can barely stand to be alone by herself.. yup.. me..

I have suffered long enough.. It is time to make shit happen.. I ma digging deep inside with help of secret therapist and other outside real life human sober people… Today I have decided to shut up and buck up and be ok with being me, imperfect but pretty damn deserving of good things.. I feel a little more at peace than I have for sometime.. It is all about me for a while… All about self care and healing.. I am responsible for all that I have put myself thru, so I will be responsible for righting all my wrongs.. Hugs…Lex


15 thoughts on “check in, check up, shut up and make shit happen..

  1. I have trouble letting go too…it’s hard no matter what you are trying to change about life. So glad you are taking that journey to change. Congrats!

  2. Embracing the perfection of our imperfection. What a trip. A tough one. Self care and healing you mention…very important at this tender part of the journey. This is what it’s about right now. The healing part can take time, but we continue to rip open those hurts when we drink and when we hide. The therapist is a great idea…the idea of getting down to what brings us to the bottle so that we don’t need to keep coming back to day 1. And that’s alright where you’re at. As long as you’re here, and back and ready for this. Then you’re exactly where you need to be…even if it sucks right now…lol.

    Blessings and congrats on day 5. 🙂


  3. It IS all about you right now…and it’s about time! The best part of just not drinkin’ for a while is that, the negative, beating-up-of-self thinking simply goes away–very least, dies down–on its own. That is the booze talking, not you. The further away you get, the calmer your mind gets–better to fight fucktard “wolfie” with, right? Keep it simple, and pamper yourself. Time for treats, for going to sleep when it gets too hard, for watching the bad thoughts roll in–and out–of your mind (and body) without drinkin’. You can do it! Big hugs. x

  4. Lex, this shit IS TOO HARD! Too hard to do by yourself, especially with a codependent in the same house. Serious changes need to be made. You NEED support. More than a blog can provide. Find an AA meeting ing your area and get there. NOBODY can b as strong as your attempting. Go to a meeting Get sober people around you. Treatment if necessary. You r in a viscous circle that will not change if nothing changes. Good luck sweetie. Dawn

  5. This is what I know…

    You want to make a change. You are aware of some of the steps necessary to do so. You know what it is to find some happiness in not drinking.

    I know that you will do what you have to in order to do what is right for you and the ones you love.

    I wish for you nothing but health and happiness Lex. You have a beautiful mind and please keep using it here.

  6. I screwed up too! I really beat myself up, but life goes on. When I stopped beating myself up I looked back over the past 8 months and I’ve been sober 6 of those months. I now am at one week, but I had 27 days before the mess up. We make mistakes, but the sober days are adding up. Your brain is making new connections every sober experience you have. We’re doing the work and we are getting it. This is your journey and your doing well! Keep trying. I know am! Keep posting please.

  7. it takes time but it is achievable….the more you treat yourself right, the easier it will get ….and you won’ t need to escape in your own world cause you will be your own world !

  8. Good start. Sober people are happy to help you help yourself. It’s an inside job.

    The pursuit of happiness is a myth and you, through much pain and suffering, are coming to that discovery point. The pursuit of happens is an external pursuit of something that doesn’t exist.

    The LA Times once ran a contest for readers who could write the best Autobiograph in six words or less. The winning Autobiography was “Made a mess, cleaned it up”. That what my recovery from addiction has been all about.

    • Love that.., I’m constantly making messes and cleaning them up… This is fantastic.. Asking for help is a hard feat for me, but the more I reach out the better I become…
      Thank you..

      • I’m in one of my first AA meetings, wondering what the hell this is and why I’m here, an old-timer came up to me and said “You want to stay’re going to have to learn how to reach out for help”. And my response was “That will never fucking happen”.

        It was tough, as it is for all alcoholics. That’s one of the many similarities and contributing reasons we’re alcoholics. We do it our way, our will, and we do it alone. And then we drink. There is a better way though.

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