11 days and mass chaos.. Oh, yeah… I got this…

I signed up for it all.. Being a mom, I mean come on.. I knew what I was getting into.. I was 29 when I had #1.. That’s no spring chick.. That was 7 years ago this months.. It’s crazy to believe she is that old, but non the less it is true.. Being a parent, in my case a mommy is a very hard and demanding task.. I cut hours at work so we didn’t need to use and pay for day care and I dove right in to being Wonder Mom… But it seriously was not that simple.. I had a deep and twisty side to me that felt ignored and sad… I loved these little perfect pink bebes… They were love and light and all that was good.. I had a hard time believing they came from me… Me, self abused for so many years filling my soul with booze and just straight up self hate… I contained my self until that last day I nursed.. I recall the day with #1 I went 6 months nursing plus the 9 I was preg sober… I was sober… But the day I realized its time for a bottle and me to dry up, I did quite the opposite.. I was 4th of July, we put her down for an early nap, and I cracked open an ice cold beer and drank it in the sun… Now this was the start to my gradual deep dark sadness/illness… Flash forward 7 years three kids, each time I was with child and nursing I got my shit together and shined with that glow only a preggo girl can have… I loved it, I loved them I lOvEd being a mom…
It is the un balance of what ever in my brain that did not work out so well for me… I was deeply depressed.. The life I had prior of social and fab and working many rockstar hours all dissolved… I became a walking talking shell of the former me.. Weight gain, age and depression all played a factor… I started to self medicate… In my past life I just drank to drink, party, and socialize.. It was the life I knew.. I worked hard, and played harder.. Now settled down with the white picket fence it became my demise…

Fast forward, just to not get into to many deets at this time..
I woke up 11 days ago and I decided I was doing it all wrong.. I woke up in a state of pure and utter anguish.. I spent the weekend with visiting family and working, and kids, and I did it all, and each night I drank myself to sleep.. I believed people closest to me just saw it as me doing what I always do, but in the back of my head kids in bed family sent off I don’t stop until, I deliriously walk my self to bed… By that Monday morning I was a complete and utter mess.. Kids were off that day due to holiday and my eyes were watering I was vomiting and a shell of the bright shiny mom I wanted to be..
I walked my ass to an AA meeting that next day and I haven’t looked back.. Now I am a realist.. I have been trying seriously since last August.. I see what I was doing was not fucking working what so ever.. I needed out side real life support.. I needed to be completely honest with myself and surrender…
Now being on day 11 I have 2 kids home from school vomiting on the hour a needy three year old that would love to go do something.. It’s 20 below zero and I have been here for three days.. Past Lex would have drank each and every night.. Waking up to miserable children and forcing myself to overcompensate and push and feel like shit and be a crabby asshole to each and every one of these presh innocent ladies…
Today my hair may be a mess, though I wash my face and brush my teeth each night.. I may be slanging babies and scrubbing vomit.. But I’m sober..
Soon I feel like I’m ready to look back at past blogs and read about the old me.. Today I’m here in the moment.. It is pure and utter chaos, but it is mine…
Stay Here Lex…

11 thoughts on “11 days and mass chaos.. Oh, yeah… I got this…

  1. GREAT stuff, Lex. Stay here is right. You can do this. No more sewer, no matter how hard the cravings get. You have a ton on your plate, and the honesty–I love it, you say so well how I think a LOT of people feel when they have kids. But, I can say that you are probably not old, or un-fun, or whatever; and you are DEFinitely one brave woman. Depression comes with drinking; so does sadness, guilt, anger, paranoia. Just stay here. Hugs. xx

  2. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats on day 11 Lex!!!!!! So amazing! Your posts have helped get me to where I am today! So thank you so much for being so supportive! You are doing great! Keep it up!

  3. So very happy to hear that you are doing so well … I’m back on the onwards and upwards too, it’s a much nicer path to be on Hope your girls are feeling better now x

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