Dear Sober Cyber Diary,
I am awake at 5:30 this morning because there has been some sort of a change in my atmosphere.. I am not hungover, I do not feel guilt or hurt or resentment or like puking my fucking guts out.. No, today I feel a strange calm and slight ringing in my ears like a vibration or something good is about to happen.. Or like its Christmas Eve… It’s funny, I truly can see changes happening.. First of all the sleep has been amazing.. It almost (but I can’t go there) makes me cringe to think the last 7 years the lack of sleep due to pregnancy and babies and straight up staying up to late and suffering… At the time I felt like I was living.. I know I know it is only two fucking weeks Lex, you’ve done this before Lex, you have a tendency to mess it up girl.. Hog wash! I am different.. I added a new tool.. I am calling Powerless over my alcohol addiction.. So fuck you Wolfie… I thought I was living I was doing the best I could.. I deserved the wine, it helped me sleep… It was something to connect me to my husband.. It was all a bunch if lies and self hate I was telling myself.. I can see that.., I can totally feel that…
Today I am different.. Today I am sober… I know there is going to be a lot of work.. A lot of hard times.. I am going to have to shovel some shit… But isn’t that what living is about???? Put in the work and feel fulfillment? I can see that.. I feel strong.. I feel joy.. It has creeped in and out a smile on my face..
Ok. A small list to just throw out there…
1. Drinking sucked the life out of me.. My body hurt, my brain hurt, I lost capacity to socialize, exercise and straight up livecize..
2. Sober Lex is a better mom.. That is all..
3. I realize I can not do it all, I only have 24 hours in a day and two hands.. Things will have to wait because I am busy being a sober mommy… (ie… Laundry, dusting, 100% at work, the pile o stuff that needs to be organized.. Etc..etc…)
4. Sober treats are a must.. I can not deprive myself right now.. It is crucial (thanx Belle) chocolate, lots of cream in my coffeeS, cupcakes, white bread, mayo, a random smoke, manicures, baths, fancy face cream, fancy body lotion, and plenty of cupcakes 😉
Ok.. That about covers it today.. I promise to choose to not drink today..