21…. And Angels……


it seems insignificant, but I am going to go with it.. 21 days ago, I woke up in a state that is hard for me to admit.. I was so terribly hungover.. I had to vomit..  I had to be responsible that day.. I had my 3 kids home from school for a holiday and 3 others to come to play so I could help out another mom.. Ok. I choose to remind my self every sober day forward about that morning for now so as to not go back there.. I am not willing to forget, or shut that door because I believe If i do I will loose track of why I am working so fucking hard to stay sober… this is just my before picture… I actually have a pic of myself that day.. my sister came over and thought how funny i was with my hangover and children running a muck in my house.. I am going to keep that as well as a reminder… I am only moving forward.. I will not return to that place…

 

ok all that being said, I have tests daily.. there is booze in and around me often.. my partner drinks.. my friends and family.. I have to get out and enjoy life and not hide in my bubble.. we went to a bowling ally with the kids and some friends and there was a pitcher of beer there.. I actually poured myself a glass and looked at it for a long hard time.. and I remembered that lady on the couch with a sickness that is so indescribable.. that sad isolated woman.. so I said fuck that and enjoyed each moment of that evening with my kids and my dear friend.. SOBER….

 

One more thing.. I believe in angels… I believe when we are not looking someone else is and caring for you and your well being.. With that I am grateful.. I have gratitude often these days, and a lot of new (or numbed) feelings that I am feeling.. But feeling gratitude is kinda great.. So to my angels out there I say thank you, and also send you peace and grace….

xo

Lex

 

Image

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “21…. And Angels……

  1. you are shining too, right now, dear Lex. Just look at you all twinkly and sober. 21 days is brilliant. your angels are cheering RIGHT NOW. they are having a picnic on a rug in the sunshine with a big cake with your name on it in pink icing. and lemonade. the good sort. there is a banner, in wonky children’s writing, too – to the brave sober lady who is not going back in the cupboard ever again. hugs to you! P xxx

  2. Wonderful wonderful wonderful. You know, I took a LOT of pictures of myself especially hung over–so much pain, and anxiety, and full body destruction when we’re that hung. I remind myself every day still of my last drunk, and how much it hurt. I remind myself every day that even IF I decide to “stay in” and drink, I have NO idea what I might do–I mean, I don’t trust myself anymore. I could pass on on the couch, or…I could go for a swim in a blackout. It becomes very real, this risk, for people like us, who have GONE there and know that our drunk is unpredictable. That’s sort of what kept me going, and keeps me sober still. Anyway, YES. Keep going. It is worth it. It is worth it when you finally–and you will one day have NO cravings, NO desire to drink–lose Wolfie. HUGS.

  3. Congrats on 21 days! You are doing awesome even if you don’t quite feel it yet, you turned down a drink and that’s huge! Good for you. Keeping the memory of my last drunk always helps me. I never, ever want to feel that way again, and you don’t have to either. Sending many hugs and angels your way. Keep moving forward!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s