Pure and Utter Chaos, and Just a little more For fun…

I scare myself.. The ease of falling back into my wine bottle and self sabotage is seriously old hat.. I made a very messed up deal with myself to drink the day before my birthday, which happened to be two days ago so I can use my true bday as my sober birthday.. This is absolute fucked up because I used the moment as this is it, the last time I will ever drink.. I had way, way to much and kinda fucked up everything.. I am on day two now and am dealing with extreme anxiety, and sadness and straight up overwhelm.. I do not want to continue.. I have learned that the longer I have sober time, and pick back up again, the worse I am.. It is time for surrender and bubbling up.. I have people I have reached out to.. I have this blog to be completely honest with.. I now need to be completely honest with ME… I am going to be brave and look back at this here bloggy thing and read about the sad, overwhelmed, over worked and under self loved girl.. I am going to learn from her.. I have never gone back and read what I have written, but advice from Belle, it is like stepping out of your self and learning from a total stranger., well she said something like that..

Things I know…..

-I set my self up for disappointment.. People do not know what to do for me if I do not tell them.. I cannot pretend that Husband will see that his drinking is affecting me when I am not 100% straight up with him.. Also people cannot possibly know what I am thinking when I expect them to help me with out asking..

-I set my self up for failure in my sobriety… I know way before I drink that I am going to and what I am going to drink and I am not honest about that.. I do not allow myself to say no.. I just do.. I react, I act I just do..

-I add so much extra chaos to my already chaotic life.. I have 3 kids under 7, A house to take care of, A job of helping others, A husband who drinks… Who in their right mind would add more chaos by getting drunk, having a terrible hangover, and full blown anxiety attacks.. Oh, me.. Because there is never enough chaos.. This shit needs to stop.. I need to settle down and take care of what I already have.. enough making your life CRAZY!!!!!


Things I don’t know…..

-what will it take to just shut up and be sober?

-how to ask for help

-happiness……. which sounds quite fucked up.. I have these little angles and people who care about me, and I am miserable.. I desire happiness…




7 thoughts on “Pure and Utter Chaos, and Just a little more For fun…

  1. Dear Lex, you say you do not allow yourself to say no to yourself…maybe working on pressing your ‘pause’ button? to give you thought …pause… not drinking. to replace thoughtdrink? love to you and your angles 😉

  2. I agree…keep trying. I certainly understand the despair, but just pick yourself up and set your sights on the new path. And keep posting and reading the blogs!

  3. You are not alone! We are all out hear in varying stages of joy and despair, hope and hopelessness. Your sharing means the world to US!

  4. Hello Lex,

    I thought the readers of your blog might be interested in my new book on giving up drinking for a while. It is called Between Drinks: Escape The Routine, Take Control and Join The Clear Thinkers, and the amazon link is http://www.amazon.com//dp/B00GFYH2H4.

    The book will be FREE for download on Amazon on 14 May 2014 only. No catches.

    You can read more about me and the book at http://www.betweendrinksblog.com. This includes testimonials from people who found it useful.

    Thanks for considering and I hope it helps a reader of your blog. If you would like to review the book please email me and I will send you a free copy

    Any questions please let me know – I’d enjoy hearing from you.

    Thanks again.

    David Downie

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