I scare myself.. The ease of falling back into my wine bottle and self sabotage is seriously old hat.. I made a very messed up deal with myself to drink the day before my birthday, which happened to be two days ago so I can use my true bday as my sober birthday.. This is absolute fucked up because I used the moment as this is it, the last time I will ever drink.. I had way, way to much and kinda fucked up everything.. I am on day two now and am dealing with extreme anxiety, and sadness and straight up overwhelm.. I do not want to continue.. I have learned that the longer I have sober time, and pick back up again, the worse I am.. It is time for surrender and bubbling up.. I have people I have reached out to.. I have this blog to be completely honest with.. I now need to be completely honest with ME… I am going to be brave and look back at this here bloggy thing and read about the sad, overwhelmed, over worked and under self loved girl.. I am going to learn from her.. I have never gone back and read what I have written, but advice from Belle, it is like stepping out of your self and learning from a total stranger., well she said something like that..
Things I know…..
-I set my self up for disappointment.. People do not know what to do for me if I do not tell them.. I cannot pretend that Husband will see that his drinking is affecting me when I am not 100% straight up with him.. Also people cannot possibly know what I am thinking when I expect them to help me with out asking..
-I set my self up for failure in my sobriety… I know way before I drink that I am going to and what I am going to drink and I am not honest about that.. I do not allow myself to say no.. I just do.. I react, I act I just do..
-I add so much extra chaos to my already chaotic life.. I have 3 kids under 7, A house to take care of, A job of helping others, A husband who drinks… Who in their right mind would add more chaos by getting drunk, having a terrible hangover, and full blown anxiety attacks.. Oh, me.. Because there is never enough chaos.. This shit needs to stop.. I need to settle down and take care of what I already have.. enough making your life CRAZY!!!!!
Things I don’t know…..
-what will it take to just shut up and be sober?
-how to ask for help
-happiness……. which sounds quite fucked up.. I have these little angles and people who care about me, and I am miserable.. I desire happiness…