Even though it may not be a Fairy Tail, this life is mine..


Once upon a time there was a woman.. She was a Mother, Wife, Friend, hard worker.. She had a secret.. A Dark and Twisty need to numb out feelings of unhappiness and guilt and self hatred.. She would find her self in a vicious cycle over and over week after week of drinking and than hating herself for it and finding a day or two of “Im never drinking again” and than forgetting and starting over.  See this girl made sure no one knew how sick and sad she really was by over doing everything in order to look (or so she thought) normal..  She would have her house in order (thought behind every closet and drawer was absolute chaos)  The kids were put together and well taken care of.. (though she really believed that she was the worst mother ever.. )  Her clients and coworkers at work just assumed she was tired and loosing steam because of 3 little ones and not much rest.. Her husband found absolutely nothing wrong with the picture and preferred her a little drunk  (she was silly and chatty to start), than depressed and sober..  And depressed she was.. Depressed when sober, when drunk and the next day or two after drinking until she grabbed her icy goblet of wine and started all over..   Now this woman has wished and prayed and pined for a differnt way.. She was the girl everyone came to for advice, and not following her own she stayed in a miserable state.. A repetition of weakness and sadness and hurt and just pushing through.. There were not many moments in the 7 years of her children lives of true and pure peace and enjoyment and freedom.. This makes her sad to write, and admit..   It is hard for her to look in the mirror and say, “you know what?? You are a good person, a loving mother and everything is going to be ok..”  She cannot tell anyone about this extreme pain and silent suffering..

Until one day she decides enough is enough.. I am ready to be the woman I deserve to be.. I am ready to be present thru chaos and madness and hilarious times having all these kids and it will be good.. She starts filling up her tool box with Sober tools and friends that are sober… In real life and in her fabulous Sober Cyber Community..  She sees over and over that alcohol surrounds her life in so many ways it almost is laughable.. But She Has HOPE.. Hope that each day she can wake up and say… I DID IT>> I did not drink.. I am here and I am choosing life..

The ending has not been written in this story.. I am sure it is not even a fairy tail.. It is raw real truth this life.. It is up and down and hurty and all things that we hate to feel.. but it is mine.. I am this woman.. I deserve sobriety.. The joke is on everyone else that is around me confused by my choice to go booze free.. For, I am living a dream.. And truly isn’t that what we all strive for??? Even a taste of the dream???

Today my dream is to be sober, and be here for my kids.. Plain and simple..

xo

Lex

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20 thoughts on “Even though it may not be a Fairy Tail, this life is mine..

  1. I take heart in your words. I applause you sharing and caring for yourself and in ripple affect so many people will benefit from as you Journey on. I want to further encourage you, as a compassionate tool for you to find another possible source of wisdom….I found Pema Chodron, Clarissa Pinkola Estes and Caroline Myss have Givien So Much Peace and Path to help me….perhaps it will in one of their works speak to you. You can go to iTunes and find them all in Audio books and get a sample. Hugs!

  2. Oh lex, stick with it- it’s hard but I promise it’s worth it. I never thought I’d be here, but I’m nearly at 3 months and it’s better than I could have imagined. You’re trying so hard, it will click for you- I have great faith it will x x x x

    • Ironically today is one of those days.. I’m sick my 3 year old is also sick. Git big girls fed dressed and ready for school.. Hub flat out on the couch.. Ugh.. Now off to band market and doctor.. Happy sober day…

  3. I choose life, is my sober motto as well. You are brave to share, strong to be dedicated to your goals. My hats off to you. You are a great mom.

  4. Fantastic story – and good on you. That choice is a big one and one that only you can make. I’ll follow your journey (which seems quite similar to mine!). x

  5. No such thing as a unique problem, and there’s no problem that can’t be fixed… Decide to do something, like REALLY decide and the universe will get out of your way. Thank you for sharing x

  6. Lex, I was you. I spent most of my kids’ lives drinking an entire bottle of wine at night. I lip served them well, but couldn’t remember my promises. When they were young it wasn’t quite as bad. I never drove them after drinking. As they got older and they began to drive, all bets were off and my drinking escalated. My wonderful kids always brought compliments of my and my husband’s parenting. We somehow managed to turn out these wonderful people, but I feel like I don’t remember so much of it. I too looked like Super Mom, but I often wondered if my kids could choose any mother, would they choose me? What kind of BS thinking is that?! Every single morning I had the same wish as you–that I could be the person I wanted to be: Healthy, strong, alcohol free, and most of all a genuinely good mother to my kids. I started and stopped hundreds of times over the years. On June 12th this year (53 days ago) I came across Belle’s blog and everything changed for me. I know how it feels to try and fail and try and fail. I am 56 years old, Lex, with three kids–my eldest 25 and my youngest 19. I am free from alcohol for another day today and I don’t have any plans of going back. If I can help one young mother make the change now and start living the live she deserves, well that would be really good. I am only looking forward from here, and only briefly will I let myself regret the time I have wasted. The change in my outlook is amazing. I no longer question that I am a good mother and I can take responsibility for the wonderful young adults I have raised. Don’t be 56 when you quit for good. Love and strength to you.

    • AKA…
      I woke up today and saw this note from you and so desperately needed it.. It is the stopping and starting and repeat self beatings that are starting to really hurt.. Ironically I am 20 years behind you and want nothing more than to stop now to remember all of this so called crazed life.. My girls mean the world to me and as they get older me hiding on the patio with a bottle of wine and pack of smokes is more and more obvious.. I will take your love and strength today I am so in need of it… No looking back, right???
      if you would like to email I am down with that.. Auntie_Lex@yahoo.com
      xo

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