Surrender, Honesty, a log of sorts…


When I drink I….

make bad decisions.. know it is the only time my husband connects with me..  am not a good mommy… feel like shit.. scare myself… forget I cannot handle it.. believe I can handle it… add chaos to my already chaotic life… am a mess… forget about self care.. sleep in.. hurt.. numb feelings.. hate being numb… black out.. make messes… hurt myself.. kill myself…

 

I am surrendering… I have fought long and hard and realized that surrender is the only way… I am Lex and I am an alcoholic… I cannot control myself when I drink and it consumes my day.. I deserve this for myself… Being sober is for me.. It is cunning and baffling and hurts too much to not feel… My feelings are real.. My worries and concerns are  mine, and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.. I deserve happiness.. Today is May 5th.. I am going to do double blogs for the week in order to keep being honest with myself.. It is for real.. Reality…

I have a husband who drinks and prefers me drinking… he only talks to me if I drink.. I don’t want to drink.. I hate myself when I do.. it is time for changes..

xo

lex

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7 thoughts on “Surrender, Honesty, a log of sorts…

  1. Oh, it is so hard having your husband want you to drink. Mine is supportive in theory of what I’m doing, but I too fear that missed connection… I can’t imagine if it was worse, that he encouraged me to drink. You are the ONLY one who knows how YOU feel on the inside and what YOU need to be happy. Not him. He will adjust to your sobriety, but you cannot adjust to being a drinker, and you know it. Let health and happiness win this one, you deserve it!!!
    xoxo

  2. Surrender is the key, Lex. I can say that now, having struggled with it for so long. Surrender – so antithetical to what we are taught – fight the good fight, surrender is for the weak, etc. Au contraire – we find victory in surrender, ironically. There is NO shame, and I mean NO shame in saying “I can’t do this. I am powerless over alcohol. It’s got me licked. I need help”. praying for help is not weak – it’s a strength.

    I am sorry your husband needs you as a drinking buddy. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. But your sobriety comes first. Protect it.

    Blessings and hugs to you,
    Paul

  3. “My worries and concerns are mine, and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone”.

    Thank you for this reminder. It’s so true. My wife is one of my oldest drinking buddies and even though there may be some support, it doesn’t feel genuine. In fact, I feel like me getting sober is going to cause our marriage to fall apart. I hope not.

    My friends won’t understand either, because they’re big drinkers too. BUT, they don’t feel how I do inside, so I guess I shouldn’t expect them to.

    Good for you, lex. It takes a lot just to get where you are. Surrender and honesty. It’s huge. Hang in there. I’m right there with you.

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