I Am: Self Righteous, a Cult member, Better drunk, and a great fucking mom….


Or so I was told today.. I know that I am not a better person drunk.. I love being in my culty Cult of Belle, and dammit If doing what ever it takes to be fucking sober is Self Righteous, that you know what O-Fucking-Well…. And the only way for me to be the Mother My gals deserve and I want to be is if I am sober.. period…

Today is day 4 and someone told me day three was a son of a beatch, but guess what it is today.. I am tired and feel achy and hideous.. I want to feel shiny and bright and pretty.. It will come.. I have hit 3 AA meetings in 3 days.. each one better and better.. Day one is a fucking blur.. I cannot believe I am pushing myself as such and just fucking doing it..

In other breaking news… I called my Mother on my way back from meeting 3 yesterday, and as scared and stumbly as I was to tell her I am choosing to heal myself with sobriety instead of wine, she was not to surprised.. To be honest with a family member who only sees you part of the time but has seen you during fucking awful times is scary, brave and relieving…  I have been struggling with alcohol and drugs and depression and a.d.d. since a kid.. She saw me a total fucking wreck as a teenager.. She saw me as a 20’s rock-star hairdresser party girl shell of a person.. Now she has seen me as a MOTHER, on the verge of maj self destruction.. I do not drink to just have one or two.. I never had.. I just figured I drink to get crazy drunk obsessed wasted black out white girl drunk.. (all my terms for my self) .. I thought it was normal.. I knew I was killing myself, potentially hurting my bebes, and worrying the fuck out of my mother..  Ironically She told me yesterday that she tried to be a non drinker to be a roll model for us girls and to be the sober parent in our home.. Dad is a heavy heavy drinker.. We partied together famously.. I look at that and see a sad little girl trying anything to get her dad to hang with her.. If you cant beat them join them, no???

Well I Surrendered… that is the first step and all along I figured I had the first step easy peasy just the way I do things.. my way… It did not fucking work.. I now know that FOR ME surrender now is stopping in my tracks and saying.. God please help, I have no control over alcohol I am a mess and I am powerless… I thought I had power and control for so long, and I see now that I only have control and power when I do not sip that first sip…  I was pretending to surrender and each time I chose to test my ability to moderate, I was getting worse.. Now I was binge drinking.. Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night… Gawd.. I am ashamed.. But grateful as well for my online sober blog-o-sphere, My membership to the Cult of Belle, AA, My mother and my Higher Power…

I am Lex, and I am an alcoholic.. I need help because we cannot do it on our own.. I am not sure where I am going to end  up, but I am sure that I am going to be sober wherever that is..

peace

xo

Lex

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14 thoughts on “I Am: Self Righteous, a Cult member, Better drunk, and a great fucking mom….

  1. Thank you for your honesty. What really helped me in the beginning of my sobriety, was taking on each day like it was an adventure. Some days I walked through the hopeless desert of boredom, while other days I walked through the forest of restlessness and confusion. It’s simply a journey and some days are brighter than others. Keep coming back and if you need anyone to talk to when you struggle through the rugged mountains of fear and doubt, feel free to contact me Articulatingmagic@gmail.com. I will even give you my phone number. You don’t know me, but you DO… because we are one and the same.

  2. Love this! I have tears in my eyes–you’re a fighter, and a great person, Lex. I look back and sometimes think, why did it take me so long??? You know, to grow up, be “normal,” blah blah blah. Well, it did. It just does. I think the most true thing you wrote is this: the only time you have “control” is when you don’t start drinking. It’s so simple. Just don’t drink…for now…means, erase the option of having “a” drink. For me, my life is just So Much Simpler (if anything) now that I do not have that first glass of wine. That’s all you need to know right now, really. If you take that first glass, MOST likely, shit is going to happen. And, you don’t need or want or can even deal with that shit right now, right? Right. Hang in there, and stay committed…to YOU, and YOUR healing. YOU deserve it.

    • Oh Dear Drunky.. I hope tears of joy.. I have ever been a 14 year old girl for 22 years.. I have never felt normal.. Nor do I believe that I am or ever will be.. Simply not drinking for now, I have the wheel.. Xo thanks..

  3. Hang in Lex! You are in the right place even thought it doesn’t feel like it. You are coming to terms with this disease and you are now solution driven! Woot woot. Remember, the beginning is always the hardest, But you can so this! I can hear the willingnes and the determination in your post. Things will get better, one day at a time! Sending many hugs.

  4. I an is proud if you….. We can’t do this alone and one sip isn’t worth it and it turns into a bottle and another day one. I am so glad I finally surrendered and went to AA. Tonight I thought as i was drinking tea and eating cookies, I would of been drunk ur close to it by now before. Ugghhh the thought made be sick and sad for the old me. Why did I do that night after night? Not anymore… No way. WE are done & this is the best fucking cult ever!!!

  5. As others have said, hang in there – you’re doing the right thing & it takes what it takes. I’m hearing in your post an absolute WILLINGNESS to accept help now & that’s so crucial. I love AA & feel similarly: maybe I’m a “cult member” but at least I’m a sober one who shows up as a mother, friend and family member. Keep it up – you can do this!! Sending you much love & light.

  6. All the good replies are posted. Just wanted to send over a little love and let you know I related to EVERY WORD you wrote. You’ll find your way. Stay close to us because we adore you. xox Lisa

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