Love, support and kicking the guilt… A note to self:

Dear Lex,
Do you realize the guilt and pressure and all things you put in your mind are actually quite rubbish… The dust, or piles of laundry aren’t going anywhere, so why do you think getting all whacked out crazy cleaning really matters? The other 4 people whom you live with could care less… The three little girls you are raising don’t care about clutter and chaos, can’t you see they are clutter and chaos??? This, Lex is your dream come true… Your family, home marriage- picket fence, right??? Funny, this was your dream and now it all is what makes you feel like your not good enough or worthy… You don’t deserve/need/want to be sober… The very thing that makes your heart feel love and tuns off your brain for those precious moments in the day.. Woman! Stop and smell the roses… Stop the insane self mutilation, the sadness and hurt and shit… Get love and support and you will see you are not alone.. You have not fully accepted that you are completely powerless…. Powerless over alcohol.. Powerless over changing others… Powerless over dust bunnies and laundry monsters… You only have power for you… To be a shining light… A place of peace and well deserved comfort.. You can crave wine, you don’t have to fucking drink it… You can feel mad, and sad and pissed and resentful… Shit is crazy in your life.. It’s real… You wear such a sunshine face.. Your so full of shit sometimes… Just be… Ok.. Just don’t worry about it.. You need to take care of you, ok? Enough is enough..
There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help.. You would probably be surprised in how much people in your shoes are willing to help.. You know like how willing you are to help with friends children, sisters and anyone who asks you? Yup.. Only if you fucking trusted the program the process.. It’s all in, something you have never ever done before… You have nothing to loose besides hangovers, weight, guilt, and all the bullshit… You do need to look at your hubs with patients and grace… He is sick and I know you think he is hurting you on purpose, he can’t help it… Keep your shit together, ok.. Be a sober mommy… Ok? Use the love and light to heal you… Just be…


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