So here I am on day 10… Once again… I am sure I have said it once or twice or 73 times, but this time it feels like something has clicked.. I have a sort of calm.. I see that my kiddos are reacting to my fresh and non crazy self.. I am working on gratitude, and serenity.. I know that this is a moment, and that in its self is maj.. I am using the lessons learned at AA to really dig deep and be a vessel of peace or something of the sort.. I do not want to go back.. I was scared to create this new me for so long that I just continue to self mutilate and melt away into a blob of drunken nothingness.. I was looking ahead way to far into the future and conjuring up thought of, What If??? What will people say if I am not drinking at my daughters wedding, Or a ball game, or even just hanging in the yard on a Saturday night with friends.. KNOCK KNOCK Lex… You cannot handle it.. your little sip of something does not exist.. This will come with time, me being comfortable in my own skin enough to just have plain old fucking fun with out the buzz, crazy eyes, and terrible hangovers.. I deserve to see thru these fresh eyes.. And what I am seeing right now is a lot of shit that I have missed.. From bed time stories, tickles and snuggles to waking up early to have coffee and see the sun rise.. these seriously out weigh the drunk me.. I think over time I didn’t really-want to hold on to the drink, but I could just not let go subconsciously, I fucking needed it because I know no other way…. I am an alcoholic.. I am allergic to booze.. It makes my brain think things that are not real.. I can just be me.. I will need to learn how to be ok with that.. Since I was 14 I did not like me without something to boost myself.. So oddly enough I have to grow up and learn about who I am, what I want in life and where I want to go with it all..
It is time to start the first day of the rest of my life.. It is going to be ok.. I will be mad, sad, glad, mean.. these are all ok.. It is about fucking time I just felt feelings and gone on with my day…