I am ready to put down the gloves and pick up my ice pick.. I am going to dig deep and figure this shit out.. I am also going to stab the Gremlin Wolfie in my head so he dies fast and painful.. I am living like two lives and I am starting to feel lost and confused and scared.. I am slipping right back into my life a year ago and I don’t want to go down like that… I feel like the smoke and fog never fucking clear and here I am on day one AGAIN… I cannot blame anyone or thing but me.. I can not worry or stress or think about anyone elses issues or problems.. I just want to be sober and not even have to have this conversation..
Belle, Sober Bloggin and A secret sober cult have been a constant in my life since about a year ago when I signed up for the challenge.. . People are at large successful and her I am once again.. I do feel like a failure.. I do feel helpless at times and hopeless.. But I know that is the bullshit in my head that is begging for just one fucking glass of wine.. Just one will do the trick just one will relax the bitch in you and you can smile again… See these lies that the bastard tells me.. Like that it is my only chance in sanity… Which is a big fucking joke, because it makes me nothing but insane in the membrane..
I have so much I want/desire/need and none of it will happen if I continue on this path… I am reconfiguring my tool box.. what is here that I have had all along and what can i put to the curb??
These words and thoughts are just words and thoughts if I pick up one more drink.. I am not interested in a terrible low bottom filled with duis or black and blue marks or lost time with children… No I am on the top… I am going to say I would like to start the new adventure of the old me mmmmmmm, right now.. Ok..