So Everything is Everything, no? Yes.. Well for me it is.. I heard this from Belle on a podcast thinggy or maybe in a chat we had… Listen, today I brought all three tots to school for the first time in 7 years.. I have been (by choice) a stay at home mom, housewife, maid for 7 years.. For 4 of those I was pregnant or nursing a baby.. For 7 of those years and 13 years leading to it I was in a deep dark twisty place.. A place of self hatred, self medicating, and self mutilation.. This being said, today feels different.. A bitter sweet type of feeling.. I am on day 11, my 220th hour of complete sobriety.. A place I have tried to be at for some time.. I say COMPLETE, because I have found that surrendering my self COMPLETELY to the fact that Me+Booze=disaster… I cannot be the mother I desire, or the Mother these gals deserve if I have even one sip.. Because I cannot have just one sip.. Nor one glass.. It leads to drunk Lex.. So with loving arms I let these darlings go, and fly and be and learn and be taught.. Also with loving arms I hold myself accountable and soar into a place that is kind and full of peace and grace.. It is only fair I do this for the daughters, why not for myself?
I saw her walking up the stairs, she was fresh and new and scared… The look in her eye as she glanced back at me was unsure and sweet and sad… Yet, there was a change in her step.. Confidence, excitement? I am not sure that I will ever know exactly.. Nor am I sure that I need to ever know.. This is her time.. Her time to shine and glisten.. Her time to feel like she has grown up.. Her time to be unsure.. Her time to fall and pick herself up and try again.. It is her time to see the difference between right and wrong.. Her time to feel what makes her happy and what also makes her sad.. She will cry, she will laugh, she will bleed, she will feel lost, she will feel comforted, she will find her place.. This is how she will come to find her true self..