Things are just making sense now.. babbling and ranting.. Day 16


I am finding out that I cannot control anyone.. Is that the most crazy shit ever??? Who the heck am I to think that I make any difference to what anyone else does.. I am no fancy pants dictator.. I am just me.. I have only me to answer to.. I am the one to make sure what I do is appropriate, or on task.. It is not me to decide how others should act or be around me.. For so fucking long this feeling of hot anger/resentment comes up in my throat in my whole self.. Funny, the whole time it was because what I was doing made me this way.. HaHaHa.. I am, and have to keep laughing thru this journey.. This is not all about them, it is all about me.. Not in a selfish way.. NO! I am uncovering things about lil ol me that I hate, resent and feel completely inappropriate.. The very things that fuel my drinking, my isolating.. Being ok with myself in complete silence..  This makes sense to me, just now.. This my friend is 20 plus years of me completely ok with hating myself in such a way I need to throw booze down my throat in-order to put on my Buzzy Mask..  I am not ok with this.. This same Buzzed Mask is what has forced me into a self torture like no other.. More so than just being socially awkward or inappropriate or rude, bitchy or mean.. Huh.. I am sure I will get to that step when I need to tell peeps how sorry I am for my misgivings.. But right now I am sorry to ME for hurting what I could have been instead.. I know, I know no looking back at that shit.. But, if I don’t keep the memory’s close, I will get cocky and all like “I Got This”.. When in reality, I do not have control of this.. I need sobriety because it only makes things crazier.. My kind of crazy now is liveable.. It is really hard work.. I am tired and anxious.. But man, not being hungover and pushing day after day is priceless.

xo

Lex

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7 thoughts on “Things are just making sense now.. babbling and ranting.. Day 16

  1. “priceless” … I still feel that way. Self-care and selfishness were the two hardest for me to learn to decipher. Even today (with sober time) I can still get the lines blurred. It’s wonderful that you have made this leap in awareness. Thanks for the post. It reminds me to stay in check with my mind. xo Lisa

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