I am here. Day 34.. There is reality of my sobriety.. Firstly, the sleep I have gotten is unreal.. Turns out that I am not missing anything by staying up till I “black out” and shuffle my self to bed.. No, that is something that I do not miss.. I go at a decent time to wake up before the gals and have a few minutes to compose myself.. Before I was getting up at the last minute and Godzilling my way thru the kitchen to rush to make a foggy breakfast and lunches.. I would be in terrible pain and fear of the last nights events.. I would pray to the heavens that I did not sleep thru a little waking up in the night in need of her mommies assistance in the potty or a drink of water or worse.. I would do a once over and check quickly that I had no visible damage: burns, scrapes, bruises, you know the drill.. God for bid I have a bump on my forehead or cut on my hand for the kiddos to see.. Turns out I remember all conversations (that matter) with my husband (though he may not).. I feel proud of my house and remember what I had eaten and put all the dishes and mess away.. I can get up and have a coffee and check my bloggy sober cyber culty world to see you all are doing ok.. I do not have a dooming sense of horror or anxiety over what the fuck was I thinking having 3 bottles of wine (or more).. My mind is open and ready to anwser any question these little girls throw at me at 6 am: What is for dinner, easy- don’t know;)… Where are my shoes. duh- no idea;)… When is the bus coming, ah hem- Same as yesterday.. You see the simple things that all have answers, but when drinking seem like the worst most confusing questions every.. For these I am grateful..
I am grateful for, the taste of coffee not just chugging it down with the pasty dry mouth from last nights wine and ciggys.. I am grateful for sweet snuggles, not just a brushed off hug cause I cannot bare to bend over and hug cause I may barf.. I am grateful to put the darlings on the bus and not have to lay down in anguish after until they are done with school due to self mutilation… I am grateful for today..
Now seriously, it is not all peachy and shiny because out of this little bubble comes reality.. I have a marriage that is feeling the brunt of my sobriety, which is laughable you would think that would improve, but for me no.. It is putting a serious damper on us.. He drinks, not sure if he thinks that this is a real deal for me.. I am not sure of a lot because we have not been able to talk.. I am resentful, and I am sure he is as well.. Though we love each-other and have not desire for anyone else, we are unhappy.. This makes me sad, it is crushing actually.. I don’t want to be all “Yo! look at me I am doing this I deserve a party over here and your celebrating, again, tonight with your cocktails!!!” But that is the reality of it.. There are walls being built up and guards over our hearts.. There is not much besides these girlies that are holding us together right now.. Heartbreaking, I know.. I am as they say in AA, keeping my side of the street in order.. What a lonely fucking side of the street.. I have had to distance myself from all friends and social situs, cause that is where the party is at, and I don’t party anymore..
I want to party.. I want to bounce around and dance and sing and be filled with joy.. SOBER.. Is this too much to ask??
until then.. I will just be.. maybe eat a bacon cheese burger and take a walk out side and enjoy the colors of the fall..