Hey.. Its me.. Im sober, how are you??


I am here. Day 34..  There is reality of my sobriety.. Firstly, the sleep I have gotten is unreal..  Turns out that I am not missing anything by staying up till I “black out” and shuffle my self to bed.. No, that is something that I do not miss..  I go at a decent time to wake up before the gals and have a few minutes to compose myself.. Before I was getting up at the last minute and Godzilling my way thru the kitchen to rush to make a foggy breakfast and lunches.. I would be in terrible pain and fear of the last nights events.. I would pray to the heavens that I did not sleep thru a little waking up in the night in need of her mommies assistance in the potty or a drink of water or worse.. I would do a once over and check quickly that I had no visible damage: burns, scrapes, bruises, you know the drill.. God for bid I have a bump on my forehead or cut on my hand for the kiddos to see..  Turns out I remember all conversations (that matter) with my husband (though he may not).. I feel proud of my house and remember what I had eaten and put all the dishes and mess away..  I can get up and have a coffee and check my bloggy sober cyber culty world to see you all are doing ok.. I do not have a dooming sense of horror or anxiety over what the fuck was I thinking having 3 bottles of wine (or more)..   My mind is open and ready to anwser any question these little girls throw at me at 6 am: What is for dinner, easy- don’t know;)… Where are my shoes. duh- no idea;)… When is the bus coming, ah hem- Same as yesterday.. You see the simple things that all have answers, but when drinking seem like the worst most confusing questions every..   For these I am grateful..

I am grateful for, the taste of coffee not just chugging it down with the pasty dry mouth from last nights wine and ciggys.. I am grateful for sweet snuggles, not just a brushed off hug cause I cannot bare to  bend over and hug cause I may barf.. I am grateful to put the darlings  on the bus and not have to lay down in anguish after until they are done with school due to self mutilation…  I am grateful for today..

Now seriously, it is not all peachy and shiny because out of this little bubble comes reality.. I have a marriage that is feeling the brunt of my sobriety, which is laughable you would think that would improve, but for me no.. It is putting a serious damper on us.. He drinks, not sure if he thinks that this is a real deal for me.. I am not sure of a lot because we have not been able to talk.. I am resentful, and I am sure he is as well.. Though we love each-other and have not desire for anyone else, we are unhappy..  This makes me sad, it is crushing actually.. I don’t want to be all “Yo! look at me I am doing this I deserve a party over here and your celebrating, again, tonight with your cocktails!!!”  But that is the reality of it.. There are walls being built up and guards over our hearts.. There is not much besides these girlies that are holding us together right now.. Heartbreaking, I know..  I am as they say in AA, keeping my side of the street in order.. What a lonely fucking side of the street.. I have had to distance myself from all friends and social situs, cause that is where the party is at, and I don’t party anymore..

I want to party.. I want to bounce around and dance and sing and be filled with joy.. SOBER.. Is this too much to ask??

until then.. I will just be.. maybe eat a bacon cheese burger and take a walk out side and enjoy the colors of the fall..

xo

lex

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14 thoughts on “Hey.. Its me.. Im sober, how are you??

  1. Very nice to read about a mom who is focused on her children and herself, in order to be present for her cubs.

    Ugh. sobriety and the marriage thing. Best advice I ever got was, stay inside your own hula hoop. If you want someone else to change, focus on changing you. And, stay inside your own hula hoop!

    Impatience is a signature hallmark for alkies. We may drink like an alcoholic for ten years, but stop, and instantly we want everything better. We want orher people to notice and applaud us. For what? Now behaving like we always should have been. Doing routine things that mature adults do everyday! Ha! And the marriage, like everything else takes time. This is a process. By attending AA, I’d say you gotta a decent shot at a better relationship. Eventually.

    I had finally started to figure it out, and fully commit to working the AA program, in my sixth year of sobriety. By the end of year six, the first sign of any improvement in our marriage, started to become noticeable. And have improved every month since that time.

    Today, I’m lovin life. Lovin my wife, kids, extended family, friends and my career. It works if you work it!

    • This is amazing. . Love to hear from you. . Yes the impatience is killing me. . Isn’t there a paragraph some where on the BB about if only the world around us were perfect actors in our play. . I am hula hooping today.. love that.. so glad for you and your awesome sober life! Xo

  2. YOU GOT THIS. Keep going…you sound great. It IS hard, and heartbreaking–but that is part of getting sober, methinks. Plus, this shit does not last forever. It gets better, and you so, so, so deserve it. HUGS.

  3. bacon? where? who said bacon? Bacon is the cure~ funny I don’t care for it on burgers or in my omelets but alone~ i could tear up a pound myself. oh wait, I digressed! U had too but your memories of old mornings after drinking started t make me nauseous~ seriously b/c I was the same exact way! My mornings were the same except w/ boys~ well teens farting around in the morning. i SO DO NOT MISS the hangovers~ not at all. You are right however, all we have to do is keep our sides of the street in order~ yes it is lonely at times…. i miss having someone to talk to at nights too when the BF is drinking or away~ however I can not worry about anyone else anymore but me~ that is a hard concept to grasp but it is reality and the only way we will make it. stay strong momma~ proud of u! love momma b

  4. Hi Lex- so happy to hear you are going strong! This time around I am too- day 42 🙂
    Sorry that you and your hubby are disconnected right now. That’s a tough one. Mine says he is supportive, but also still drinking. I don’t think he thinks that this will last for me. We have been partners in crime for years… so I worry about how me being sober long-term will impact our relationship. But one day at a time, right? Can’t predict the future- maybe it will all turn out for the better. Keep going! xo

    • Wow! Clearlee.. 42 days is amazing!!!! We too have been partners in crime since the day we met.. We met at the bar for goodness sake.. Hubs says he supports me in anything I do.. But I to think he just thinks its a faze or just a moment in time.. One day at a time is so right, but scary at the same time.. loved hearing from you!!
      xo

  5. Where’d you go? Hoping you are well. Hoping you are sober. Either way, know that you’re loved and loveable. For what it’s worth, sober me drove a wedge between me and my husband. It’s good now, but it took some time. Focus on you and your issues first. The ones that come back around are the only ones you want on your team anyway. Lot of love, Lisa

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