I am at an interesting point in my sober journey… It is not that I know it all, or heard it all before.. I am just questioning everything.. The best way for ME is minute by minute, or day by day.. But the overwhelming feeling that my brain is being slightly washed is taking over… I have 49 sober days on my ticker and my friends that is the most I have had in probably 20 years aside from pregnancy (3xs) and nursing said babies for 6 months each (mostly sober)… I have re-uncovered the depression that has been lingering in the depths of me for many many years and I am dealing with it medically for the first time in also many years.. Therapy, medication the basics.. All good things, yes.. I also know there is not a magic pill, or piece of advice that can make the mind fuckiness, wine cravings, sadness, resentments go away.. I have to work on ME… I have noticed big changes in my little cottage of a house as far as the sober Momma goes.. Kids seem happier, I feel more connected and organized, laundry is oddly getting done and the overwhelming clutter of 3 little ladies seems to be at bay.. Yes, all good things.. These things were what really got me anxious or again overwhelmed while actively drinking daily or every third day or so.. It is obvious that shit gets done while sober.. It is obvious that I feel rested (who wouldn’t going to bed before 9pm nightly)… But here is where I am.. Sober, board, lonely.. AA is here.. Meeting a friend to work out is also here.. Work is a place for me to get ‘unmommy’ like and put on some makeup and create.. I have these wonderful kids that are also here, always.. My husband, here, but still in the drinking faze of his what ever, so hard to connect.. I have these things.. But alas lonely.. I suppose it is better to be sober and lonely than well into my second bottle of wine lonely and wasting time on face book or what ever being weird.. It is just this counting days thing.. It is messing with me.. Am I alone in that after putting all this sober time in and counting each day as if it were my last becomes sad and redundant?? Is it true that every sober day you count and if you decide to just pick up one drink all the time is erased? I do know the answer to these questions.. But it is where I am.. I am not drinking today.. Just for today.. I will see if it passes.. I will hold my darlings close today and smell in their sunshine and try to remember what it is and what it could be..