counting days.. and checking in..

I am at an interesting point in my sober journey…  It is not that I know it all, or heard it all before.. I am just questioning everything..  The best way for ME is minute by minute, or day by day.. But the overwhelming feeling that my brain is being slightly washed is taking over…  I have 49 sober days on my ticker and my friends that is the most I have had in probably 20 years aside from pregnancy (3xs) and nursing said babies for 6 months each (mostly sober)…  I have re-uncovered the depression that has been lingering in the depths of me for many many years and I am dealing with it medically for the first time in also many years.. Therapy, medication the basics.. All good things, yes.. I also know there is not a magic pill, or piece of advice that can make the mind fuckiness, wine cravings, sadness, resentments go away.. I have to work on ME… I have noticed big changes in my little cottage of a house as far as the sober Momma goes.. Kids seem happier, I feel more connected and organized, laundry is oddly getting done and the overwhelming clutter of 3 little ladies seems to be at bay.. Yes, all good things.. These things were what really got me anxious or again overwhelmed while actively drinking daily or every third day or so..  It is obvious that shit gets done while sober.. It is obvious that I feel rested (who wouldn’t going to bed before 9pm nightly)…   But here is where I am.. Sober, board, lonely..  AA is here.. Meeting a friend to work out is also here.. Work is a place for me to get ‘unmommy’ like and put on some makeup and create.. I have these wonderful kids that are also here, always.. My husband, here, but still in the drinking faze of his what ever, so hard to connect.. I have these things.. But alas lonely.. I suppose it is better to be sober and lonely than well into my second bottle of wine lonely and wasting time on face book or what ever being weird..   It is just this counting days thing.. It is messing with me.. Am I alone in that after putting all this sober time in and counting each day as if it were my last becomes sad and redundant??  Is it true that every sober day you count and if you decide to just pick up one drink all the time is erased?  I do know the answer to these questions.. But it is where I am..  I am not drinking today.. Just for today.. I will see if it passes.. I will hold my darlings close today and smell in their sunshine and try to remember what it is and what it could be..

9 thoughts on “counting days.. and checking in..

  1. You are not alone in wondering about the counting. I don’t count. Why should I? I am free now. I also believe that counting lays the base for thinking ‘is it all gone if I take one drink?’. Taking one drink is not good but fearing it leads to the thought of lapse – relapse – collapse and that thought works out to be counter productive in recovery. The more people stress the collapse thing, the less likely they are to get up when they fall. It’s like dieting; if I ate one cooky, I might as well have the whole sack because ‘this day is gone anyhow’. With alcohol that thought works out even worst because alcohol is stronger. 😦

  2. Right on Lex. I’m right there with you… 57 days today. I am still counting but I don’t focus on it much. Some days I don’t notice how many days it has been. I think it becomes less important over time. I focus on living my life but I have to admit I do get a thrill from seeing the day count get higher 🙂
    And can totally relate to feeling bored and lonely at times but remind myself that this is temporary- it’s a natural part of the change and adjustment. I try to focus on the positive- feeling rested, more integrity, a clearer head and heart. Moments of peace. Trust in the process. Xoxo

  3. I completely get this! When I was briefly in AA I was introduced to the HALTs – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired – four reasons that will lead you back to drinking. I agree completely that loneliness is a tough one to overcome, especially when the bottle is so easily available. New habits will need to be formed to fill in the time and overcome these triggers. Look at the positives though and the things you can do now that you couldn’t when drinking… And congrats on being sober for so long 🙂

  4. I hated counting days, dragging myself through painful, slow early sobriety.

    But one day, being sober was less of a big deal, and somewhere after the 100 day milestone, the counting stopped.

    I check my sobriety counter occasionally, to think “wowewwweeeeeeeeee” and I’ve dreamt befor about the horror of having to reset it to zero.

    Drinking again, to me, does invalidate your day count- I found that out the hard way last year. So why not hold on, watch the days creep up and feel it get easier without trying 🙂

  5. hellooooo Lex 🙂 the counting thing – whatever works for you. there was a great post and comments on this topic from Mrs D, did you see it?

    for me counting was really important up to day 100. each day was so tough that counting felt like a row of gold stars stuck on my wall. after that I’m still marking monthly milestones and now counting down to a year, because that feels like a big deal…lots of love to you! xx

  6. Wow! Congrats on 49+ DAYS! Woot woot!
    Counting was really important to me and every day was a milestone. I think all your feelings are quite normal although they don’t feel good. Have you read about post acute withdrawal symptoms? You can just Google it, there is lots of info that may help you understand what you’re feeling.

    Hang in! Sending many hugs.

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