Today, just be…


I fell guilty, ashamed, exhausted, embarrassed, and deeply depressed.. I know that it is real.  I know that asking for help in my moments of cracking is the hardest thing for me to do.. I drank.. I fucked up my 50 days.. Yes, it happened.. I did it.. Me.. I feel like going back to all the people that were on my cheering squad, maybe I am a looser failure.. I know this is not “reality” but it is my valid feelings.. I wanted nothing more than to prove to myself that I am able to just “BE” sanz booze.. To prove to husband that I am stronger than this shit.. I want my children to see this happy healthy mother that just needs life to shine.. but today I feel like my light is dimmed.. I am in no way going to stop trying.. I am going to get back on the path and call my self out and dig deep and figure out how this sober thing works, for me..  Guilt, Shame and Hopelessness is what had me going to this path in the first place.. The hangover is brutal and so fucking old.. I cannot believe that I was able to complete any normal daily task like that for so long.. Just trudging thru the ugly headache and mass self pity is worth not drinking.. It is a hitch, a bump, a wobble, a slip.. I can recover from it.. I can make up for the ugly self hurt and disgust..   Today, miniute by minute… I am on my way.. reaching out.. hitting a meeting.. praying for just the hitch to not hurt so much.. xoxxox

lex

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17 thoughts on “Today, just be…

  1. Keep going! Don’t go back to Day 1 unless you really, truly feel you need to. It was one day, one moment; be kind and gentle to yourself, dust yourself off, and take it moment by moment. You’re amazing! 🙂

  2. I slipped at 60 days, and then went 5 weeks, then wobbled for a few weeks, and then…finally got in 6 months, slipped one day, and that was it–been sober since March 2013 (except for my recent slip). You got this! It is all about just doing it over and over and over, being sober; hangovers are brutal. But, don’t be surprised if you’re in some weird way craving another one in the next few days–it is Wolfie talking and you need to just kick in his face, and move on toward your SUNNY cloud. You got this, Lex.

  3. Try not to be embarrassed Lex. Everybody here get’s it, we have our bumps but we keep making progress. Be well. 🙂

  4. Not an easy path…when yours and the spouse’s head in separate directions. Hold on. Hold fast. If you had something good once, your paths may re-converge again. But that isn’t primary at the moment. You can only fix one thing at a time. Do your own walk right now and put his issue on the shelf. ONE THING AT A TIME. you are achieving. Give yourself huge credit. You deserve it. If those not fighting the battle only realized what it it takes…….keep on!

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