So here I sit on day 6, again… I am now getting to the clear headed and totally insane part.. You know after you have gone thru the guilt and shame and self hatred and start to feel better around day 2 and 3 and utilize all the energy on getting your shit pulled together so you are not living in a dark pit of drunken despair.. OK, my shit was not that terribly awful, but when I feel good I run around cleaning the girls rooms and putting clothes away instead of piling up baskets and shining the sink and scrubbing the floor.. Well all the joys of being a mother aside this is my worst enemy.. This is when I need to step back and analyze my behavior.. I need to keep reminding myself that simple is best.. I am still in the early stages and everything does not need to be, or look any sort of way.. Just be sober Lex, that is all you need to do.. Breathe and snuggle up the girls and do not drink.. Sounds so fucking easy.. So, I have been trying to reach out. Ask for help, and let some things slide that are meaningless and do not matter.. I will today just sit, and be.. Being sober is a gift, Being drunk is torture.. I start out with a feeling of Overwhelm and think, “shit, a glass of wine will do the trick to relax me” Which I know ends up a bottle or two or three and bam!!!!!!!! A disaster.. I become frozen in time and scared and lost.. Why do I feel the need to put my self thru this time and time again? Oh, right, Im an alcoholic.. It does not have to make sense, because it surely does not.. But it is a fact.. As if I was given call from the doctor to tell me that I have an illness for life that I need to keep tabs on or will die.. I know this logically… But the sneaky disease, or Wolfie has a terrible place in my head that wont shut the fuck up.. I believe it was Belle that talked about dehydrating the Wolf… The longer I can go with out the drier and crumbly he becomes.. I can do this.. I can keep this in my mind.. Today I need to focus on me and my kids.. Nothing more nothing less… Just no drinking..
another letter to me..
When you decide to drink you need to remember that you will undoubtedly wake up the next day feeling like a complete looser.. You will be shakey and horrid and crabby and feel like death.. One drink does not work for you no way never.. Your one drink to get the edge off of reality turns into bottles of wine and lonely and drunk.. This my dear friend is not pretty.. You have 3 little children that god for bid wake up in the night and see you like this will be the death of you.. You are stronger and braver than you really give yourself credit for.. You are ok just being… There is no glass of wine that could make you look, feel or be any sexier than that.. The truth dear Lex is that there is so much in this world for you that you have not even dreamed up because the drink keeps you from it.. You have the magic.. It is simple, SOBRIETY… You are an individual, so why not be the one that is sober?? Everyone in your circle are the drinkers be the stand out sexy mama that can smile and laugh and be confident with the glass of water instead.. There is no need to poison your self because you don’t see your worthiness.. You think your awkward and chubby and weird, but Actually you have just been drunk.. You are a sober star that shines with every breath of fresh air, every sip of cleansing water.. Do you know that you are also loved and adored by people?? You forget to love and adore your self because you constantly are picking up the pieces of other peoples shit.. If you just step back and count your blessings you would see that drinking makes everything worse for you.. You are blessed with a beautiful family and a home that is cozy and clean.. You have a husband who takes care of you and your lovely children.. Yes, your husband is an alcoholic.. You cannot control that.. He loves you, and you love him so for that you must be humble and patient and keep your eyes on yourself.. If he loves you like he says he does things will change.. You deserve it Lex! You deserve true happiness.. You deserve your daughters to see what love and light truly can come from you.. Please be patient friend.. Don’t fall for the sounds of uncomfortable shit floating around in your wolfie alcoholic head.. Those are all lies.. The truth is you have the power.. The drink is not the power.. The drink is just another drunk, and you have been there done that and bought the t-shirt.. This is your moment.. Your time to shine.. Please for me and all that love and see the light in you do not drink.. Even if you have to go to bed at 6 pm.. Even if you miss the parties and family gatherings.. You are worth it in every way darling girl… There is a way.. It is your way, and no one can take this from you.. Hold on tightly because this journey is about to explode with gifts.. I just know it..