back with sober vengance, and holding close black outs..

And there you have it, I’m back…  This has been an interesting couple of months..  Husband has fallen ill… In November he left to go hunting, and upon his return we were admitting him into the hospital.. The responsibility of everything fell on my lap.. I am ok with that, I am young, durable strong Russian woman.. 😉 But seriously, I am not sure how people get thru family crisis with out drink..  I hate to say I am unsure that I am barely making it out alive..  Funny part is, Husband is stone sober.. Though a long road to recovery, he is a changed man.. I am also seeing how much my entire bull shit alcoholic craziness can be easy for me to fall back on due to the uneducated coping skills… Sad, drink.. Mad, drink.. Sick family member, drink… I see this as a crazy pattern.. I am under the spell unless I dig deep and make real life inside out changes.. I am not willing to give up on this.. I am on day 9.. Feelings are here.. I have hurts and resentments and exhaustion, and anger, and hope… Feelings are coming to the surface, and this is about the time the cycle starts that I start to think that drinking will make it all better.. The ugly truth is it does not.. 8 days ago I thought that would be a great idea.. I have to admit that it started with a fun family friendly party and ended in a place of terror..  I know that I have to hold on to this night because if I forget and push it away, I will just as soon drink.. This is hard, but I have to put it here.. After the family party ended sister and I thought that a night out on the town was a brilliant idea.. Husband said yes go even though sister and I already drank enough wine for a party of 5… I believe the second I left was the moment it went black.. Mind you I am 36 years old with a 20 year bingey drinking career.. I am at a place that I can no longer drink the boys under the table, nor do I want to.. I am at a place in time where I want peace amongst the regular family chaos.. I want good rest, fun times with my daughters and to hold my husbands hand as he gets healthy…. Anyway.. Black out Lex is not good.. I am mortified.. At home and alone when I quietly get drunk alone, though sad, but true I make it to bed at least without your regular hitch, ie: smoke to many cigs, eat shit crap food and make a mess, drunken face book, bla bla bla.. But out in the world walking and talking and completely unknowing what the fuck happened is scary business..  Sister filled me in that I was fun, even funny talking to strangers, maybe I shouldn’t have put my hand on a male friends leg, but pretty harmless…. Until………………………………………..  It was time to go, and I fell out the door of an establishment.. knees busted bruised bloody, arms bruised and banged and lip smashed wide open as if I have been punched in the face by the first sip of wine that night..   I recall nothing, thank goodness, but I remember still due to the healing wounds.. I am terrified.. this is my “YET” moment… It has happened before..  In all different shapes and forms, but this is the last straw.. The last time I can handle making up bull shit stories to my lovely innocent daughters about why mama hurts and her lip is so fucked up.. The last time I wake up in such dread that I contemplate just running away from it all as to not face this scary asshole of a demon one more day..  The last time I waste an extra 3 days recovering and self loathing and killing my self softly.. I am back to AA.. I am reaching out.. I have laid it out on the line for my husband how completely terrified I am of myself and if worse comes to worse I may need “away help”… I have told my doctor, and my sister and my mother and I am begging for peace here.. Wholeheartedly.. All in..  I can only do this a minute at a time.. I have cried enough tears, beat myself up more than enough.. Finding solace in booze no longer works for me..  This is my time..

15 thoughts on “back with sober vengance, and holding close black outs..

  1. Sounds like a bottom, now it is time to climb back up. You can do this. Get the help you need. Take care of yourself, so you can be present to take care of your husband and family.
    You will not regret this decision.
    Stay strong! You can do this.

  2. I have been here! We all have. The *countless* journal entries I made from, oh, 2007 to 2012–every time dark, and black, and horribly unsettling. Embarrassing. The thing that happened for me is, it just clicked. I had had the bad blackouts and the mini-ones, and I woke up one day, after my 38th birthday (2.5 years ago), and was like, I cannot. I just cannot. I’m not even sure what this thing I could no longer do was, but… It will stick. It’s too heavy to carry, and, I think we just come to realize that IT NEVER ENDS WELL. This is a fact that we know. It will never end well. It will never end well 100 times, or 1 time. It stopped maybe ending well a while ago. So…we move on/forward from that point. Believe me, it soooooo gets better! You are about to start moving AWAY from all the bad blackout stuff and into the good you stuff! HUGS.

  3. Thank you for this post. It’s too easy to forget the terror of blackouts–probably because I was never present for them to begin with. 🙂 Congratulations on 9 days. I look forward to reading more from you.

  4. I happened upon your post, and I’m so glad that I did. I wish for you success, nothing but! You’ve written abut it, and even spoken to your Dr. and family, people who will be with you all the way through!
    Well done.

  5. I want this so much for you~ but I learned you have to want this too! Nights like that are scary and I pray that I never have one again~ you can do this. You don’t have to experience this again, you don’t have to ever drink again and you don’t have to do this alone~ hugs & prayers to you! xoxo B.

  6. “Finding solace in booze on longer works for me.” …. Yes. We need new tools because the wine tool is broken. AA is working for me. I’m so glad you’re going there. We need alternate voices to Wolfie, and those alternate voices are at AA and on the sober blogs. You can do this.

  7. Hi, just found your blog, started from the beginning, and I’m going to keep reading you. I’d like to watch you succeed. I’m on day 17 and I appreciate your honesty and the fact that you keep trying. You’re a good writer too.

    • Sophie, you are doing it! As you can see it has been a whirl wind of one step forward and back for me.. Thank you for the compliment on my writing, it always feels like my journal 2.0, and no one would get/read it.. I’m currently on day 13 and have been using a new route this time around. Please keep in touch, I’m finding that we need each-other because alone is hard and scary. Xo

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