34 days sanz booze.. Not bad for a drunky pill poppin mama.. I am starting to get the butterflies in my tummy.. Why is this Lex??? Lets soul search for a bit.. I am bored.. How can you be bored?? You have 3 little girls, a house to run, a job to do bills to pay.. What could you possibly be missing.. Easy, attend more meetings, try to reach out and socialize, work on something that is fulfilling and fun, something that brings you joy.. Craft, read, get out side and walk, do yoga go to the gym anything to get out of your antsy addicted brain.. It seems so strange looking around with sober eyes at all that needs to be done.. Rephrase, all that I would like to accomplish.. this has a tendency to get me into overwhelming trouble, and seriously trying to scale back and be OK with hitting one fun thing and just being fucking sober should bring me contentment..
Being in treatment was a haven of sorts a place where recovery was all I worked on and thought about.. I felt myself trying not to rush it, but my do gooder self was rushing so I could get on with my life as a freshly sober person and conquer all things.. This Is not reality.. I cannot live in a treatment like sober bubble for life, but I am looking for some sort of balance.. I know that is what AA is to teach me.. I will pick up that Big Book and try to find a story or anything that speaks to me.. I will go to a meeting and listen and try to open my heart so the hole in my soul can grasp on to something..
I am exhausted.. When I was drinking I was three fold exhausted, now I am just tired.. My body aches, I am lonely and quite frankly sad.. This is all normal, or so I have read.. The pink cloud has lifted and reality for me just sucks.. Feeling feelings.. Facing reality.. Realizing the hurt I have caused myself and my husband.. It is apparent what alcoholism can do.. I am living proof.. I have been like this for so long that finding that new me is going to take slow and steady excavation.. Removing layers and layers of dark and dusty me and replacing it with shiny new sober me.. This is scary shit.. I am scared..
Holding on to fear makes things so much worse, so today I am going to acknowledge that fear and those feelings and say hello to them and let it happen.. Feelings are not facts, Right?? Facts are this: I am a recovering person.. I am learning how to be alone with my feelings and boredom and sadness. I believe there is something greater than me that will guide me to what and where.. So in the mean time I am just going to simply not drink..