Sitting with Feelings..


34 days sanz booze.. Not bad for a drunky pill poppin mama.. I am starting to get the butterflies in my tummy.. Why is this Lex??? Lets soul search for a bit..  I am bored.. How can you be bored?? You have 3 little girls, a house to run, a job to do bills to pay.. What could you possibly be missing.. Easy, attend more meetings, try to reach out and socialize,  work on something that is fulfilling and fun, something that brings you joy.. Craft, read, get out side and walk, do yoga go to the gym anything to get out of your antsy addicted brain..  It seems so strange looking around with sober eyes at all that needs to be done.. Rephrase, all that I would like to accomplish.. this has a tendency to get me into overwhelming trouble, and seriously trying to scale back and be OK with hitting one fun thing and just being fucking sober should bring me contentment..

Being in treatment was a  haven of sorts a place where recovery was all I worked on and thought about.. I felt myself trying not to rush it, but my do gooder self was rushing so I could get on with my life as a freshly sober person and conquer all things.. This Is not reality.. I cannot live in a treatment like sober bubble for life, but I am looking for some sort of balance.. I know that is what AA is to teach me.. I will pick up that Big Book and try to find a story or anything that speaks to me.. I will go to a meeting and listen and try to open my heart so the hole in my soul can grasp on to something..

I am exhausted.. When I was drinking I was three fold exhausted, now I am just tired.. My body aches, I am lonely and quite frankly sad.. This is all normal, or so I have read.. The pink cloud has lifted and reality for me just sucks.. Feeling feelings.. Facing reality.. Realizing the hurt I have caused myself and my husband.. It is apparent what alcoholism can do.. I am living proof.. I have been like this for so long that finding that new me is going to take slow and steady excavation..   Removing layers and layers of dark and dusty me and replacing it with shiny new sober me..  This is scary shit.. I am scared..

Holding on to fear makes things so much worse, so today I am going to acknowledge that fear and those feelings and say hello to them and let it happen..  Feelings are not facts, Right??  Facts are this:  I am a recovering person.. I am learning how to be alone with my feelings and boredom and sadness.  I believe there is something greater than me that will guide me to what and where.. So in the mean time I am just going to simply not drink..

xo

Lex

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12 thoughts on “Sitting with Feelings..

  1. Oh, girl, I feel you. It’s all so fucking hard and crazy and confusing at first. Just don’t drink–that is all you need to do right now. I had major PAWS, like feeling unmotivated at my core, for a while. I drank a ton of Diet Soda. I gained 15 pounds. I felt awkward all the time. But…eventually my brain changed, evened out, and life got easier, more my normal self. You don’t ever have to go through that first 30 days again, right? Right. I did the first 30, for real, three times, and it just got harder. Stick with just not drinking, and it will all get a lot better on its own. Hugs. We are here for you! HUGS.

  2. Great lesson.
    You can’t deny your feelings. However you have a choice with them, how you react. Try to obliterate them with booze, run away, change how you feel through something else… sit with them. Choose how you outwardly reaction. Choose how you work with them internally.
    I think this might lead to a post from me…

  3. Lex, I never got the pink cloud thing. I did get really, really sad. I had days when I felt like I’d always be sad. It did fade but it took a lot of self talk, reading, resting and waiting.

    Be patient and reach out to your real life people cause sometimes it’s good to be able to get out of your brain and get into your car with a purpose and know that you’re going to meet and talk to a live person.

  4. I’ve been having moments of sadness, anger, resentment. I believe that it’s a normal part of recovery. This too shall pass. Hugs. I’m here if you need someone to talk to!

    • Thanks friend. That is the great part of recovery feelings are not facts and they will pass. I’m feeling better, like I’m getting better with just being. . Xo

  5. Just today, this hour. Just focus on now not yesterday or tomorrow. Feelings are NOT facts and will pass….. hold on tight….. it is so worth it and I know you can do it. Keep coming back….. Sobriety has to be first, nothing else. As long as the children are fed and clean~ that is all that matters. Well make sure you brush your teeth too….don’t worry about the lil ladies teeth~ baths are good enough! 🙂

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