It has been some time.. I am here. And there.. I am everywhere.. I am stuck in my head without relief and ma not making clear thoughts or decisions.. On a daily basis I am a functioning parent.. Drive so in so to and fro.. I make dinner and baths and listen to music.. I get to work a few hours a week and take care of people there.. I pick up prescriptions and make appointments for sick hubby.. I get to a couple meetings I call my sponsor.. I have sought out others “like” me in the sober cyber community.. I pray.. I pray more.. I sometimes even hit up church.. I go to therapy and talk and tell my truth.. I call sober friends and tell my truth.. Than when the going gets tough.. I hide.. I isolate.. I make like all is well and I am a shiny sober example of myself.. I hide behind the fact that I went to treatment and I keep fucking it up.. I get mad at myself.. I am resentful at my life, my husband.. I loose my grace and inspiration.. I drag thru the day, I fake smiles and slam cupboards and kick the sidewalks.. I act like a spoiled brat.. I drink.. I confess and start over again.. I wonder when people will be fed up with me.. So far after 20 some odd years of my 37 years of life they have not gotten fed up with me like I am of me.. I have a hole in my soul.. What the fuck am I doing??? Who am I now??? I thought I had the key.. I thought I knew the answer was to just not fucking drink.. I have so much to loose.. I have 3 littles depending on me.. On my strength and guidance.. But here I sit on yet another “I am on day one for the last fucking time” day..