Checking in and rambling..

It has been some time.. I am here. And there.. I am everywhere.. I am stuck in my head without relief and ma not making clear thoughts or decisions..   On a daily basis I am a functioning parent.. Drive so in so to and fro.. I make dinner and baths and listen to music.. I get to work a few hours a week and take care of people there.. I pick up prescriptions and make appointments for sick hubby.. I get to a couple meetings I call my sponsor.. I have sought out others “like” me in the sober cyber community.. I pray.. I pray more.. I sometimes even hit up church.. I go to therapy and talk and tell my truth.. I call sober friends and tell my truth.. Than when the going gets tough.. I hide.. I isolate.. I make like all is well and I am a shiny sober example of myself.. I hide behind the fact that I went to treatment and I keep fucking it up.. I get mad at myself.. I am resentful at my life, my husband.. I loose my grace and inspiration..  I drag thru the day, I fake smiles and slam cupboards and kick the sidewalks.. I act like a spoiled brat.. I drink.. I confess and start over again.. I wonder when people will be fed up with me.. So far after 20 some odd years of my 37 years of life they have not gotten fed up with me like I am of me.. I have a hole in my soul.. What the fuck am I doing??? Who am I now??? I thought I had the key.. I thought I knew the answer was to just not fucking drink.. I have so much to loose.. I have 3 littles depending on me.. On my strength and guidance.. But here I sit on yet another “I am on day one for the last fucking time” day..

13 thoughts on “Checking in and rambling..

  1. Try again. The alternative is too hard.
    Is there more support you need? What about medication? Antabuse?
    You have the puzzle pieces. They just need to move slightly to fall into place.

  2. I thought Unpickled’s weekend blog was perfect. The thing that stuck with me was that most of the people said there wasn’t a certain thing they remembered about their last day one. My take away was any random day one could very well be “the one” that finally clicks. There is no day ten thousand without a day one. Its a powerful thing to own a day one.

  3. Day 1, ok. I had to have a serious talk with myself a while back. The counting and obsessing on days did not help me. It had to become a thing in the background. I had to be ok with fucking up and then moving past the self imposed shame. And then I had to learn to make smaller mistakes and be ok with those. Then I had to learn and be ok with the scope of the process. This shit takes time.

  4. I have said to many people over the years… Never give up giving up…. one day it may well stick.

    I went through a year of stopping, starting, changing, controlling, losing control repeatedly before I finally admitted total defeat and I’ve known many others who’ve gone round a loop and then almost without really knowing why it finally stuck. Good luck and try not to be so hard on yourself about it… Just try and again…. and again if necessary

  5. Hey! I too am on another fucking day 1 for the thousandth time. I’m sitting here disgusted with myself and trying to believe that sobriety is possible for me. I crept over to you blog and I said to myself “please Lex have a new post” and there you were. Thanks for blogging. I love your blog best because it’s so honest and real. It’s a tough journey we’re on and I guess all we can do is just keep trying! Here’s to day 1! Cheers! (With something nonalcoholic).
    P.S. I’m praying for your husband’s health!

    • Alli.. Wow I’m blown away that you were looking for me.. It’s crazy how the cycle works.. Maybe we ca try for pen pals? Shoot me a note.. We need support right now., we need to be nice to ourselves… We need to breathe and heal.. I look forward to hearing from you.. So

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