Things could be worse.. A mantra for today..

When I originally found out that husband had become gravely ill, I’m not going to lie, I thought it was from his drinking.. I was terrified. Mortified. Embarrassed that if it came back to the 1.75 ltr every 3 days of vodka how would we explain it to anyone.. Seriously.. But the funny part is, I was forgetting that I was on a terrible path myself.. One of sober 3 days, drunk 7… Sober 28 days, drunk 16.. On and on like this for the past 2 years, or has it been three? Well regardless it’s the past two or three that I have looked really hard at my drinking habits and realized for at least 20 of my 37 years I have been an addict of some sort and a full blown alcoholic for the past 8 or 9…
So going back to sick husband and everything going down the way it did was a terrible mind fuck.. I don’t bring up “him” or “us” all too often due to the age old belief to “keep your eyes on your own paper”… Also the fact that he not 100% on board with me claiming I am an alcoholic due to his own shit… This is honesty.. As I type this, as I have similar posts, I have the urge to delete or save for another moment.. But right now is my time to be fucking open honest and willing.. I am here, and in the rooms, and in treatment to get real.. I am a real person.. So having a marriage that went from me resenting his drinking and me desperately trying to be sober to him being ill and me desperately trying to be sober is straight up FACT.. This is my struggle.. The stress and real ness of having 3 Littles and a sick man and a home and job to all take care of are my truths..
And my hopes and dreams are that I can come out on top dong hard fucking shit…. Sober.. And at peace with me and how I have handled the hardest year of our fucking life…
I can handle only what I can handle and HP will do the rest..
For today I choose not to drink…
For today I know it could be worse..

4 thoughts on “Things could be worse.. A mantra for today..

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