If only I could love me like they all love me..

I am finding that the struggle with drinking continues..  I am completely full of shit and with out reason or purpose this weekend did a bit of a binge..  My husband bought his best pal Vodka back and Ive been twitching and achy for days with it in the cabinet.. I was on my way with AA.. Using my sponsor, hitting appropriate amounts of meetings, checking in with real live sober friends..  Reading, praying, meditation.. And here I sit on day  once again.. Back to the square of the fucking root of the center of my problem.. I want to love myself enough to say enough is fucking enough.. I have love in my life.. Very blessed with children, family, and friends who all love me..  I love them unequivocally.. Id give my heart and soul for my husband to end his suffering.. Id shave my head for my children to be happy forever..

I want to have “IT” the glimmer in my eye, the dust removed from my brain.. The simple fact is, Do Not Drink. Call before you pick up.. Keep the plug in the jug. Be fucking accountable, and get it together..

I have had glimpses into my future, whereas before I did not even believe I could find a new path.. I have been looking for a balance, peace, inner strength for so long to surface.. The key is in my hands.. 



10 thoughts on “If only I could love me like they all love me..

  1. Keep looking. The key is there. Life doesn’t have to be this hard.
    Could you ask your husband to keep the booze out of the house?
    You need to protect yourself.

  2. One of the big hurdles for me was letting go of the past and my story. Your narrative is the thing that holds you back. I’m 52. My list of fuck ups is impressive. The thing that got me past the fuck ups is learning how to not dwell on it. It’s a hard thing to let go of

  3. After reading your post, I went to my fridge. Hanging there is a hand-written note from my hubby on “treatment center” letter head and it simply says,
    To: ME,
    Love: HUBBY

    The struggle is real. Don’t quit before the miracle happens. I have lost count of how many “Here I sit back on Day 1 of being sober” days that I have had. But if I gave up, my only option was jail or death. Kids and hubby deserve better than that…I deserve better than that. So do YOU! There are plenty of people in your life willing to love you until you can love yourself. I am one of them. You are God’s perfectly imperfect child. Never forget that! Press on!!

  4. You are succeeding. You are winning more days than not. Is there such a thing as done? I’m battling that theory. I want to check the box that says sober and be done. Like French class. Passed, got a C, done. Won’t need to speak French, move on to next thing. I really don’t like that “sober” is not like that. Lori

  5. I think we tend, in early sobriety (and that might be as long as 2 years!) to think about our cravings as “psychological” failings when they are, in FACT, physical ones. And, cravings encompass everything, from the thoughts that make you want to drink, to the thoughts that make you feel guilty for wanting to drink, to the actual drinking behavior! These are cravings, and they’re hard-wired into your brain. It’s going to take a lot of mental work to re-wire your brain–don’t forget that it is fucking HARDASS work here. Keep going. Keep fighting. Eventually, the cravings–the mindfuck of all of it–DOES GO AWAY. It will get better, but only with a period of constantly (continuously) not drinking when you really want to drink. It took me a solid 15 or 16 months before I didn’t have these horrible cravings–to not just drink, but to think about it so much, to dwell on how shitty I am, to wonder and probe about the nature of “the beast.” Your mindfulness is part of addiction–part of getting out of it, ironically, stems from realizing that your thoughts and feelings about drinking COME FROM THE DRINKING, and your thoughts and feelings about drinking contribute to the addiction, and your thoughts and feelings about drinking will go away the longer you are sober–and once sober long enough to chill about it, your “new” brain will let you see that your thoughts and feelings about drinking were part of the drinking, too. Keep fighting. You got this, Lex!!!

  6. Being “recovered” is like being done with the laundry. Some moments you really are done. Some moments you notice there is more work to do. Hang in there. Even though you can’t see it from your perspective we can see it from ours. “it” is happening. One day there will be no more day one. Promise. xox Lisa

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