In order to have a moment alone, I must go to bed early, or wake up hours before everyone else.. I am never without a child near my side, a husband to tend to or a client to take care of.. That is some sad shit.. Finding the time for me is key to my sobriety.. Husband is still very unwell and weak, and thru these past 9 months I am finding out who I am. It’s been stressful and frightening, and real.. I have stepped up to the plate and I’m raising my daughters alone and running my household and even fixing shit.. I can see how codependent and twisty my relationship has made me, even before the illness.. We are both alcoholics, only I can admit to it.. I feel I have rotted inside also a bit.. Like the sadness, and resentment, and holding in truths.. All are there but maybe not as rotten as before… I believe the booze aids in the destruction.. These aches and pains feed off the booze.. It turns my brain into a deep desperate lonely place.. I have more sober days than not, which is promising… I have canceled my therapy appointments, which is no good what so ever.. I have avoided a plethora of phone calls from dear hearted AA folks, skipped calling my sponsor and close friends from treatment for about three weeks now, fucked up Lex! I’m letting the exhausting overwhelming bullshit of Wolfie take hold of me.. I am not in the middle of my sobriety huddle.. You know, where people will love you until you can love yourself.. I got back from a 13 day holiday and can barely get myself to unpack, put shit away or stay home for any amount of time to take care of any house hold duty..
To find a balance, I am lost right now.. Am I being a whiney bitch? I should shut the fuck up and get over it., people have it far worse than I do..