A day in the life of not making sense

In order to have a moment alone, I must go to bed early, or wake up hours before everyone else.. I am never without a child near my side, a husband to tend to or a client to take care of.. That is some sad shit.. Finding the time for me is key to my sobriety.. Husband is still very unwell and weak, and thru these past 9 months I am finding out who I am.  It’s been stressful and frightening, and real.. I have stepped up to the plate and I’m raising my daughters alone and running my household and even fixing shit.. I can see how codependent and twisty my relationship has made me, even before the illness.. We are both alcoholics, only I can admit to it.. I feel I have rotted inside also a bit.. Like the sadness, and resentment, and holding in truths.. All are there but maybe not as rotten as before… I believe the booze aids in the destruction.. These aches and pains feed off the booze.. It turns my brain into a deep desperate lonely place..  I have more sober days than not, which is promising… I have canceled my therapy appointments, which is no good what so ever.. I have avoided a plethora of phone calls from dear hearted AA folks, skipped calling my sponsor and close friends from treatment for about three weeks now, fucked up Lex! I’m letting the exhausting overwhelming bullshit of Wolfie take hold of me.. I am not in the middle of my sobriety huddle.. You know, where people will love you until you can love yourself.. I got back from a 13 day holiday and can barely get myself to unpack, put shit away or stay home for any amount of time to take care of any house hold duty.. 

To find a balance, I am lost right now.. Am I being a whiney bitch? I should shut the fuck up and get over it., people have it far worse than I do.. 

13 thoughts on “A day in the life of not making sense

  1. Life can be overwhelming. As a novice I’m beginning to learn that the house being a shit hole is the least of my problems! ! And going to bed for me time is ok for now! As long as I stay sober. And you have a lot on your plate so don’t feel bad for expressing it. It’s not whining!!

    • The good news is somewhere in my fucked up brain I know that.. And quite frankly I, being mom am the only one who cares what this house looks like..

  2. It’s super hard! No need to compare yourself to others hard. The best advice I got was from another mom who told me that it DOES get easier when both kids are in school. I so hung on to that & it was true. Once the kids can bathe themselves it was a huge relief. That is awesome that you have more sober days than not! The fact that you are single parenting within a marriage is tough. I have had to learn how to fix stuff too. Keep doing this stuff. Be a great single parent, fix your own stuff, keep drinking less and less, go to bed early & get up early. These skills make you stronger every day. I go to bed at 8 and get up at 3:30. I can’t wait to wake up & have my alone time! Like right now before 5 am! I’m too cranky at night to enjoy being alone. I’ve been thinking about you! Glad you have checked in.

  3. Some days are better than others, that’s for sure. Getting in recovery, in my experience is about re-learning EVERYTHING we thought we knew. That includes feelings.
    It’s like having a bandaid ripped off, and the wound being exposed to the air, and the sun…hurts like a mother, and it seems like it gets bumped or dirty or something, all the time. But it’s necessary. One day you’ll wake up and there will be a scab. Then you’ll notice that you hardly think about it anymore. Eventually, all that will remain is a scar, remimding you to BE CAREFUL to never do (that) again.
    Alcohol is a depressant. Depression has been hounding me since long before I began drinking, and once I put down the bottle (and everything else that I self-medicated with), it was REALLY helpful to see a Dr. and take antidepressants. I don’t like taking them but my family deserves the best I can give them.
    And life has gotten progressively easier, for the most part.
    You’re doing well, and you’re just getting started! Some day you’ll sit in the sun and hardly remember how that scar looked before it started to heal. You will be stronger than you can imagine.
    Keep up the good work!!

  4. Nope, not being whiny. Just going through a bloody hard time. I think drinking when you know you’re an alcoholic is emotionally harder than drinking when you don’t realize it or are in denial. Because then the “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not doing things right” crap comes to the surface and is harder to dodge.
    Like Abbiegrrl, my therapist did me all KINDA good. He was the reason I eventually stayed sober. I encourage you to go back. I’m not saying it was fun, but it was worth it.
    You are deep in the trenches, and you can’t see over the sides to the world around you. The longer you don’t drink, the more of the world you see, the more those feelings of resentment and trauma fall to the past.
    Alcoholics are my people, even more than knitters or spinners or dyers are. Reading about alcoholism and recovery is like coming home to me. Glad I came by to visit, and thank you for following my blog.

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