so so sobriety….

Summer has flown by.. I know it is not over but I feel as if im in a time warp.. A bit of a Groundhogs day if you will.. Up early, coffee, coffee, coffee, littles arise, husband sleeps, husband drinks, eat, house hold chores, kids, feed them again.. It is redundant.. This is fine.. I am really focusing on the girls, my health and sleep.. And than BaM! I drink.. and Fuck it is truly brain shattering.. Than, rest, self care, kids, coffee, husband sleeps, husband drinks, kids, coffee, feed them every 3 fucking hours, sleep, read, insomnia… There are many more sober redundant days.. Believe me everything works better that way..  Super obvious that I have isolated, fallen into a dark alone place.. I have done this I blame all of it on me.. I have to be gentle with myself though.. The bull shit guilt and same that booze has on me.. The quasi brain washiness of AA fucks with my psyche..

I have had to step up my parenting and keep my shit together more now than I ever have.. I have a very ill hub, 3 amazing children who drive me nuts and complete me all at the same time.. There is this creepy darkness that pulls me every once in a while that I am learning about, getting to know.. Some may call this my “Disease” “Wolfie” “Trixie”, I call it the part of me that I love and hate at the same time, my Best friend and Worst Enemy…. She is going away slowly but surely.. I am growing and gathering tools and precious information about giving myself the life and love that will be freeing and real..  3 years ago I couldn’t imagine how many lessons I would learn, and amazing cyber sober friends as well as in real life..  I was ashamed, and so broken.. I was so scared.. Now the fear is dissolving.. I am replacing it with hope..

Things that I am learning…  1)I am not a super human.. I am just a human.. I am a slightly broken human, but I have the power to change that.. I will never forget where I come from and all I have endured, but I will arise.. 2)I have to ask for help or I crumble under the pressure and overwhelm..  3)People care about me, I have to learn from them and care about myself and give me extra love…   4)I deserve happiness and sobriety…. 5)This shit is hard…


5 thoughts on “so so sobriety….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s