Who, love me? 


  

So I can sit here and write down all the details leading up to the “Out Loud and Incredibly in your face Real, Raw” relapse thing happening here to me but it would exert way way to much energy..  There is no more fucking around here.. I refuse to let this so called disease get the better of me… I will not be taken down by it or anything for that matter.. I have the power within myself to make it happen.. I’ve been there, and rehab and wrote a book on it.. I’m exhausted.. Drinking Makes me more so.. 

I woke up today and thought, “who the fuck do you think you are?”!  I looked at my reflection and realized there is such a lack of love here… Self love.. Not the kind that I look at myself and say, “wow your something else there lady”.. The kind of love that I am missing so deeply.. Love that fills my soul.. Love and care and peaceful thoughts… The part when I mentally beat myself up constantly about things out of my control, that part has to stop.. That leads to the drink.  And right now I hate the drink… 

After years and years of drinking bingeing on what ever when ever, here I decide to “moderate” with just a couple beers, no wine what so ever and maybe a vodka here and there… Well that shit does not work..  Alcohol Free works.. Sober.. There is now way in the world that I will be able to continue taking care of the girls my household, my job and unwell husband while “moderating”…  It is likely that I will self destruct.. I will loose everything.. I have already lost myself here..

So with that I am on day one and feel wonky and wobbly and shitty and ugly… I want to ball up in a corner and hide from the house full of my beautiful daughters and husband… I want like a beer or two to ward off the hangover… I won’t drink… I’m done drinking.. 

I cannot drink and love me.. I cannot drink and expect anything to change..  my happiness and wholeness are on the line here.. I drink, I die just a little bit more.. I don’t drink, I live a little more each moment..

I chose life..

I choose to not drink today, just till I go to bed… 

I choose self love and compassion..

Xo

Lex

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8 thoughts on “Who, love me? 

  1. Hello! I have read back through your blogs over the last few months, and I noticed something: I think you are doing this backwards. You are struggling to love yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But you are thinking that self love will come before sobriety and think you are putting your metaphorical cart before your metaphorical horse– you will will never have peace with yourself WHILE you are actively drinking. There are only so many things you can change at once. BUT! You can stop drinking immediately, you have complete control over that. That change is what’s going to make you like you again. That’s an action. That’s a choice. And you are capable of doing it and you are worth it. 🙂

    • It’s all true.. And I would be that wanna be sober girl going about it all wrong.. Instead of changing everything at once, I’ll choose the not drinking change..

  2. Surburban betty is right. I’m feeling it now. I’ve spent years and years full of self loathing and hatred for myself. Drink always made me feel better about myself and so i felt I needed it to make me like myself. Of course every time I drank too much, which was most of the time, i went full circle and ended up sobbing in pain for how much i hated myself.

    Then every time i sobered up (currently on 10 days) something strange happened. I could look in the mirror and realize I’m not that bad. I can see how one day I’ll like myself but the truth is, why should i like an alcoholic? There’s nothing to like about that person. A good wife, friend and person with interests and hobbies- that’s the kind if person i could like.

    Enjoy your day one. We’re in the same place xxx

  3. The great thing about finding yourself so stinking low is that (from the emotional gutter) there’s no way to go but up. I’m really happy to see that you’ve finally concluded what everyone (that I know of, and that’s quite a few) who regains their life has realized: “for me, to drink is to die”.
    I’m so glad I saw this, this morning. Your kids NEED the best you can give them, and in sobriety it’s not gonna be 100% every day, heck some days I feel like my best is about 35%, but drunk? That would put us in the negatives. You can do it.
    I put up post-it notes on my bathroom mirror, early on, to remind me what mattered. I wrote the (aa) slogans and positive affirmations, even as STUPID as I thought they were. My Sponsor told me to do it, and I was desperate for a solution, so I did what she told me. I looked at the wretch in the mirror and read the post-its to her. Eventually, I kind of even meant it.
    Stick around, darlin.

  4. I am working on changing my story. I caught myself telling someone that I haven’t been able to paint my porch because my marriage fell apart. I have been divorced 10 years. My new story needs to not be a victim story. I didn’t paint my porch because I haven’t chosen to put it first on my list. No excuses, no defining myself as a victim. My son says he can’t do the dishes because of his autism. Guess how well that works! Not. I feel like I am still playing old tapes about why I can’t do stuff. I have started to pay attention to how many times a day I use “my story” to not do stuff. It’s very interesting. Lori

    • Very interesting. .. I love the idea of simply changing the story.. There are enough excuses and distractions in my life.. Waiting for the story to change is kind of silly at this point. .. Changing it for the better is another. . Thanks for this friend. . Today I’ll try to tweak my story just a little. . No rush, no secrets no worries. . Xo

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