So I can sit here and write down all the details leading up to the “Out Loud and Incredibly in your face Real, Raw” relapse thing happening here to me but it would exert way way to much energy.. There is no more fucking around here.. I refuse to let this so called disease get the better of me… I will not be taken down by it or anything for that matter.. I have the power within myself to make it happen.. I’ve been there, and rehab and wrote a book on it.. I’m exhausted.. Drinking Makes me more so..
I woke up today and thought, “who the fuck do you think you are?”! I looked at my reflection and realized there is such a lack of love here… Self love.. Not the kind that I look at myself and say, “wow your something else there lady”.. The kind of love that I am missing so deeply.. Love that fills my soul.. Love and care and peaceful thoughts… The part when I mentally beat myself up constantly about things out of my control, that part has to stop.. That leads to the drink. And right now I hate the drink…
After years and years of drinking bingeing on what ever when ever, here I decide to “moderate” with just a couple beers, no wine what so ever and maybe a vodka here and there… Well that shit does not work.. Alcohol Free works.. Sober.. There is now way in the world that I will be able to continue taking care of the girls my household, my job and unwell husband while “moderating”… It is likely that I will self destruct.. I will loose everything.. I have already lost myself here..
So with that I am on day one and feel wonky and wobbly and shitty and ugly… I want to ball up in a corner and hide from the house full of my beautiful daughters and husband… I want like a beer or two to ward off the hangover… I won’t drink… I’m done drinking..
I cannot drink and love me.. I cannot drink and expect anything to change.. my happiness and wholeness are on the line here.. I drink, I die just a little bit more.. I don’t drink, I live a little more each moment..
I chose life..
I choose to not drink today, just till I go to bed…
I choose self love and compassion..