sleeping sober

I don’t even miss it, seriously.. I have lived that life for so fucking long.. I hate it, and I do not say that lightly.. I hate that I no matter how badly I want a simply sober life, I get sucked back.. I hate what booze does to me and my family and 76% of the great state I live in.. I hate that it has always been so acceptable in my home growing up, the city I live in and that met my husband at a bar where I was fucked up.. I hate that I can stop over and over again because I feel so right when I’m sober.. And pick up as soon as I forget.. I feel like reality isn’t that bad, and yet here I am on fucking day 2 again.. I hate the person it makes me, all sick and exhausted and riddled with anxiety and bull shit self hate..

I love that not drinking is an actual option. I love that I know that the shit deal I am sometimes handed will be ok as long as I hit the pillow sober.. 

8 thoughts on “sleeping sober

  1. I find it sad that I can’t ever go back to just drinking. I won’t be able to forget what being sober feels like. It’s almost a worse place than before I knew I had a problem. Now I know. And I can’t un-know that. Lori

  2. You know what? You sound like you are FED UP and ready to do this shit. You hate it?? Awesome! Me too!! Sober sleep is like the best thing on earth and it’s FREE!! It’s a biggo buffet of ALL YOU CAN EAT slumber.
    Sobriety– DEFINITELY an option.

  3. I was re-reading some of my old journal entries last night, and man, drinking leads to dark places. And, every day, over three years later–actually more and more and more each new day–I am SO glad I am not hung over, not battling uphill just to get through the day, not breaking myself down all the time. Addiction is not indulgence; it’s self-mutilation, it’s self-abuse, it’s breaking self down. I don’t understand it, but hang onto whatever foot-hold you have in sobriety because there IS calm–respite–waiting for you down the road. Hugs.

  4. That drinking thing gets burned into our behavior just like that sober thing does. We have to give our self enough time to actually burn the new behavior on our hard drive, otherwise the old just kicks in on autopilot with NO EFFORT on our part. Do whatever it takes! Seriously, I love that you wrote this post. Sorry I’m so late to the party.

  5. I hate it, too. Part of the reason I quit was in protest. Fuck you, booze. I’m not contributing to the damage. The pain. The destruction. You took my brothers. You’re not getting anything else. Enough.

    And then, of course, sober sleep truly is decadent.

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