Compassion.. Do I have this? 

I may not always leave notes here, but I’m often reading others.. I have been really thinking about what to write the past little while, and I came across a journal from 13 years ago.. I have journals dating back to at least 87?.?.?.?.  Anyhoo..  I started reading the entries, and I can hardly remember the time.. Newly, deeply in love (with now hub), Very torn, lost, hurting.. A straight up mess if I do say so myself.. Each page or so I’d be organizing and setting clean healthy goals for myself. Setting up time lines to accomplish a list of dreams… Than the other few pages in between we’re all about despair and fear and dieting to clean myself up and take a hold of my life… I was in a deep dark twisty tornado… Scared of my drinking and the spirals it took me on.. Unsure of this new man with his own deep and twisty baggage… 

I couldn’t bear to read the whole thing in one sitting..  So I’ve dug deep into the cobwebs in my memory and pushed thru the years cocktail induced dank memory and tried to place myself back there.. I feel the hurt and despair she did… I have so many things on my never ending list-o-dreams… It’s a very sad and lonely place and I feel compassion for her.. I want to hug her and tell her it will be ok.. Just really think about removing the booze from your life.. Right now, ok? 

Seriously.. I know I cannot go back and change time.  I am just saying for the first time maybe, ever I felt a smack of compassion.. Which spills into present day.. Without to many specifics, I am realizing that compassion is a huge deal for me right now, and I feel it and get it and understand why it is going to be more of a daily practice for me… 

 There are some thought things happening in my life right now.. This is a fact.. This is just life right now.. It’s a mess and chaotic and bal bla bla…  But it’s mine.. I am sober.. I have my 3 loves and a roof and people who love me.. I’m so sorry for the hurt that comes along with the shit, but can see there’s clarity on the horizon.. 


2 thoughts on “Compassion.. Do I have this? 

  1. That is you. Your compassion for yourself is beautiful. Hold on to those thoughts as you continue your sober journey through the uncertainty of life. That is where you will find your strength.

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