My side of the street is disappointing.. 

I am vulnerable, wobbly, newly sober again.. I’ve been here done that.  I live in my own space I have created..  Me, my story.. It’s hard not to be completely and utterly disappointed again and again… I’m on day 5, bla bla bla.. I feel deep down completely done.. I no longer feel that booze has any part of my life.. It was no low bottom (this time) I’ve hit that already it hurts and it’s raw and real and embarrassing.. 

I am struggling disappointment.. In the past I’ve disappointed my mum as a teenager showing up late, slurring words and out of focus.. Or my husband who may have thought he’d get lucky or simply party the night away, but instead I saunter off in a black haze to pass out in bed.. I’ve disappointed clients and coworkers for not being able to show up and show out, or even fucking call…   I’ve disappointed my children by not being able to get off the couch to be social, or go play, or have a real conversation… 

Besides all that since I can remember I was disappointed in myself.. How totally fucked up is this? I can barely rember a moment that I was not harshly judging my actions, my job, my parenting skills, me… I have disappointed my self..  It hurts. I’m my worst critic, and I have fucked up so many times I cannot even think to count.  Especially when drinking is involved… But I slide thru the cracks.. I am forgiven. People love me, or are just stuck with me.. 

When it comes to this path to sobriety, when I put it out there and continually fuck up, slip, Relapse, test I am disappointed..  I feel like I’ve burnt bridges.. I do not belong in this beautiful cool group of sober people because the effort put in and the constant bullshit I put out is fucking exhausting..

I’m at a strange and uncomfortable scary place.. I’m scared of straying, loosing the lifelines… But seriously how many times can I do this and not just disgust and annoy the lovely wonderful sober inspirations?  I call. I show up to a random meeting.. People call to check in and I avoid calls and I hide and isolate and show up again another day… 

I should not care what people think of me.. I’d like to not care.. But what happens is the fog lifts and my feelings feel and I can see clearly and reflect on this roller coaster which is my truth, my story.. I’m head down tail between my legs.. My husband once said to me (I was “quitting” for the first time and I went to AA and called my mom and told her I’m a drunk (no surprise to her:))

“Now that you said it you can never go back”  he was drunk.. I was pissed, but he was right.. 

But what he also didn’t know is I don’t want to go back… At that time I was drinking 3 to 5 nights a week, 1 to 3 bottles of wine at a time and a vodka night cap… I never want to go back.. Now I get sober and stay sober and 3 nights or 3 weeks later I forget.. And you know the cycle.. Here I am..

I am throwing in the towel.. I have no more room in my life for booze.. But I have to get out of my head that I am a failure a hypocrite.. A fake.. 

28 thoughts on “My side of the street is disappointing.. 

  1. Sometimes it takes being “done” before we are finally ready. Be kind to yourself, it’s so important. Be gentle. Get plenty of sleep and remember what you really want for your life. Not to make you sick with goopy cliche, but every journey starts with the first step, right? One foot in front of the other.

  2. You are not your past. You are not what you think you have done or what you think you should have done. You are here now and you are reaching out. Time to look ahead and not backwards. You have a lot of life to live. Live it. Fully.

  3. You’re never a failure if you are willing to have another go. “Failure isn’t falling down. Failure is staying down” – I love that quote.
    I hated myself at the end of my drinking- honestly I couldn’t even look in the mirror at myself I really detested myself that much. When in my recovery I got to Step 4 I ended up with a short list of those I held resentments against… it was short… ME! I was so blinded by that dislike of me and my way.
    I heard some things in AA over the years that helped me… “Let us love you until you love yourself”. I only know you through your writings here but I so relate to that despair at the end of the drinking days, when I knew it didn’t work, desperately wanted to stop but failed repeatedly and then loathed myself beyond all other hatred I’ve ever known for failing again – so I have identification with you there…. and I love you and I truly believe you can get it if you keep trying. Why? Because I did and I’m no-one special or different I was a hopeless drunk and I haven’t drunk for a while now. So I love you even if you hate yourself.
    “Never give up giving up” I nearly did at the end of my drinking after a mad year of stopping, controlling, bingeing, topping up etc. I just couldn’t do it no more. I was trying to figure out how to carry on but drink more safely. Luckily I had another go with renewed vigour and that one stuck where before it never had.
    “One day at a time” – the old AA mantra. I still live by it. I was recently asked by someone that surely after a few years I ought to be confident I’ll never drink again. There lie dragons and madness – I thought to myself. Today I’m sober so far but it is only 9am here in grey wet London. I don’t plan to drink today, in fact I plan to go to AA tonight so that’ll be one thing to help me and I’ll just work what works for me to stay sober today. Tomorrow? Well tomorrow is tomorrow I’ll cope with that when it arrives.

  4. Last night I had to get some full sugar caffeine free pop and sour cream & onion potato chips. It was a rough day and I totally needed a “bad choice”. I snuck a peak at the alcohol aisle and saw a woman my age wobbling and buying lottery tickets and her alcohol. I felt such sadness and heartbreak because I could be that so easily. Sober didn’t make my problems go away but I was one step from losing my life. Sober let’s me see the hope that was always there. That feeling keeps me going. Hope is hidden underneath the sadness. I was just afraid to feel the sadness because I thought it would engulf me and I wouldn’t be able to get back up. Alcohol kept me sad. I am thinking of you today. Lori

    • Yes, the alcohol does not work for sadness. It’s utter sadness. I have glimpses of hope, and I know it’s there just waiting for me when I’m ready.. I’m done and ready. Xo

  5. I wish I had some wise and encouraging words beyond you’re worth the work and the sobriety. We’ve got your back (at least virtually).

  6. I think everyone who has successfully quit alcohol has been where you are today. I definitely have.

    I tried for many years to give up, one day it just happens.
    An AA analogy is drinking is like being in the ring with mike Tyson. You get knocked out. The madness part is that, you know it’s bad for you and you’ll regret it, but you drag yourself back in the ring for more punishment. Then eventually after being knocked down so many times, like you said you throw in the towel.

    I think you have to fail many times first before you succeed. I hope this is your time. God bless.

  7. I don’t know you. I know nothing about you EXCEPT: You are strong enough to come the realization that you are an alcoholic. Do you know how many people are out there, denying it, fighting it, not owning up to their issue? You have stepped forward, among thousands hiding behind their bottles, you have had the strength and bravery to step forward. Do you have any idea how much I admire you? Obviously not but, there are few people in my life who I would want to hold the end of a rope I was dangling from but I would cry out for your help in a split second. The courage it takes for us to come forward is significant. We all struggle and many of us relapse but, keep fighting for your health and life. You can and will do this, you are already a champion. Every person views everything differently from one another so how can you lump yourself into any stereotype or allow the billions of different viewpoints of any situation affect you as an individual? You are unique, gifted, talented, strong, brave, courageous and a beautiful human being. I know this and we have never met. Open your eyes, please. You are deserving of love, especially your own!

  8. We’ve all made mistakes and have drinking regrets and there’s no sugar coating it, it sucks terribly but there is light at the end of the tunnel and this is where the one day at a time really has weight, one day, one foot in front and before you know it, you’ve gone from crawling to walking to jogging! take care of yourself and make you your number: 1 priority. You have support here.

  9. I feel like I could have written this. How many times do we try before it actually sticks? It’s frustrating, painful and exhausting. All I know is I have to keep trying! Good luck to you and happy sober thanksgiving ( if you are in the states!)

    • There is no remain that I can see to quit quitting.. I believe that we are doing this and can only learn from each moment of the story.. Let’s be kind to ourselves and just be ok with each step of the process… Love to you.. Xo

  10. You belong here~ don’t ever forget that!

    You need to put your sobriety on top of the list- #1. Everyday a meeting, everyday talk to your sponsor~ you can’t do this alone~ but the best part, you don’t have too!!!!

    You CAN do this~ your lovelies need you~ they need you sober!

    I believe in you~ all of us do.


  11. I find this whole blog very touching and fascinating. I started following you and after a while, I decided to start at the beginning. I don’t know if you are still monitoring your blog, but it appears that some of the early posts have been deleted because I can no longer get to them. You are so honest and you articulate your feeling very well. It’s inspiring! I hope you don’t mind, but I find your blog amazing and I plan to read a little each day until I get caught up. And God bless you for having the courage to do the best you can for your family and kids.

    • I don’t mind a bit. Also I just write and post and anything technical I’m not sure. I’ve never deleted a post, but will look into. Fascinating? Well that is a completely unexpected compliment… I’m just a girl in this big ol confusing world with hopes to keep a float..
      Anchorleg, thank you.

      • Hi Lex, thanks for the reply. The problem with finding your older posts is that they’re not visible from my reader. However, when I go directly to your site, I can see the “Older Posts” link at the bottom, and there they are! Now I just need to remember where I left off 🙂 Thanks for getting back to me. Your blog is an amazing story and I appreciate your sharing it.

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