Brain ranting.. 


Early morning coffee in the dark… I can’t help but be reminded how I feel on day 3..  I’m putting it out there on paper so to speak to perchance remove it from my brain..  Insomnia.. My body was so tired but I was constantly awakened by my brain… 

A Day 3 early morning rant/crazy removal.. 

“Over thinking, overwhelming… My house is cra overwhelming when I look around with sober eyes..  Guilt for not being as present as I can with the girls.. Im a horrendous care giver/wife, which is so insane.. How is a wife supposed to be when her husband has a chronic illness and she already is resentful and confused in our marriage and all the fucking drinking… Stay on track stay on track, no drinking.. None of this means isolate, get out there and connect with people.. No, bubble up.. Stay home, focused, excercize cook healthy meals self care.. Well that is isolation isn’t it?  Am I really an alcoholic? Or did I overindulge in recovery books and meetings and therapy and treatment and I am now brainwashed.. Dude, your an alcoholic or you wouldn’t have done any of these things… Right? Can’t I just reset all my ideas and begin as just Lex.. Not Alcoholic Lex, not Sober Lex, not Lex the Mom and wife.. Ugh.. Sleep.. I need sleep.. Or, should I get up and drink luxurious coffee in the peaceful dark.. Regroup and write.. That sounds good.. 

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6 thoughts on “Brain ranting.. 

  1. I understand crazy rants and crazy feelings, and that all makes sense on a day three (or a day 32 or whatever). You’re right when you say that non-alcoholics don’t question their drinking. Hang in there..and get some sleep.

  2. I haven’t accepted the alcoholic label, I don’t care for it much:) But I can’t drink alcohol. At all. Or I’ll be drunk forever and then die. So if that makes me a conventional alcoholic for others, so be it.
    This is the worst part. Your lizard brain wants its smack so it’s going to tell you “BOOZE WILL FIX EVERYTHING YOU ARE OVERREACTING AS YOU WERE AS YOU WERE.” Because that’s what the little addict in your head thinks. You have a lot on your plate with everything you are responsible for in your life. It’s A LOT. I’m going to tell you right now that if you can get through the next month or so sober your ability to manage your life will increase exponentially. It just works that way:)

  3. Hey Lex! I’ve read quite a few of your posts and I want you to know that you are not alone. I have tried to quit drinking a zillion times. It sounds like you have a shit ton of total crazy on your plate and that is so fucking hard. I am new to this again too, because I got seduced during a time of stress into thinking that 1.5-2 bottles of wine a night was what I really needed to get through it. To cope with stress, to dull the constant feelings of shame and self-hatred and being constantly overwhelmed. It’s a damn lie, though. Suburban Betty is right. It’s our damned lizard brains seducing us into self destruction. I don’t like the label of “alcoholic” either, and I am not too keen on AA (was bad for me because I already feel like a piece of shit a lot of the time and it kind of made it worse, but I totally respect what it can do for people). Have you tried Smart Recovery? It is a cognitive behavioral, self empowerment-based program. They have online meetings. I have the workbook and it is good so far. Also, I have found the Bubble Hour podcast delightful and helpful, perhaps someone else has suggested it too? http://www.thebubblehour.com. Brene Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability have been fantastic too…I listen to her audiobooks on audible.com. She has written several books, Like “I Thought it was Just Me” , “The Gifts of Imperfection”, and “Daring Greatly”. She says some really wonderful things about shedding shame and embracing vulnerability. She doesn’t drink because she feels it stifles her authenticity…I feel the same way. Lots of love to you on this journey. We can do this.

  4. Hang in there! I hope you were able to get some sleep!

    I too keep wondering if I have over indulged in recovery material. I feel like anyone I know would just tell me to stop whining and get a grip… Just stop drinking… Which I can’t do… So I must need this recovery thing.

    Keep sharing, it feels good to know I’m not alone in the brain ranting…

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