I had a “meeting” with my in laws yesterday.. They are an unemotional, weird, non communicative, power hungry, and irritatingly fake bunch.. They asked me questions about my husband (they’re only son) health like they had no fucking clue.. He got very sick last year and findings ar he will be sick in some way shape or form for ever.. The hard awful truth.. I’m not going to share too much due to that whole annonimity thang.. But it’s turned his young life upside down and our marriage and famiky will never be what we intended.. He’s chronically ill and also in denial of a drinking prob to boot which was not spoken of during this meeting..
They looked at me like they had no idea the capacity of his illness and like I was with holding information from them because they are too fucked up to call they’re own son and be up front and honest with him or intone for that matter… They pretend family disfunction, health and pain does not exist.. I told them the pain and disfunction and reality of his disease and I cried and showed them the real me and I drank over it…
I’m sorry I did not utilize any of the sober tools I had in my toolbox.. I did not email or text or call my sober friends, I did not just fucking go to bed… No.. I Let a very difficult day filled with so much shit turn into Lex the drunky mom.. I am so fucking over the guilt and shame (I believe AA added to my already old school Russian family inherited guilt and shame) I will not dwell in day 6 the day I fucking drank way too much wine like where I left off years ago.. I go 6 days or 6 weeks and pick up where I left off when I was a consistently active “moderating;)” drunk.. I don’t think any of this is funny.. The craziness of what is happening in my marriage and life got to me.. I want all that shit to inspire me.. Inspire me to get better and make this my year.. My year to shine and follow my dreams and goals.. If I drink at all I will no be able to; be the mom I want to be. Figure out what I’m doing next.. Increase my business and start my own.. Get healthy.. Feel peace..
That’s actually not to much to ask, but if I drink it is..