So the fog is slowly lifting and the feelings come a rushin back in.. For this alone I should never drink again, but somehow I’m forgetful when I slip back into the dark side.. Feelings that I have-numbed out on and off for many many years.. Now, what I don’t get is how easily I forget.. (My disease)
Right now I’m faced with a shit ton of feelings but today I struggle with guilt.. How fucking full of shit is that? This is something that was passed on to me by my dear Mother.. More like my parents were real good at making me feel guilty for being “me” and here I am 20 years later tortureing myself with it.. Yes, I drank to stop feelings.. Now I’m getting sober to feel better and just like that the wave of yuckiness washes right over me..
I only have control over myself so, to feel guilty for past shit, or the “I should be doing mores” Is actually something I have to trust and love myself enough so I can build this sober life I so longingly want.. I’m a slow SLOW learner.. Like I’ve Had The Magic Inside All Along kind of learning..
I’m going to love myself enough to not drink today and tell Guilt to fuck off.. I’m going to wake up (groundhogs day like) in the morning and tell me to be proud of me for doing hard shit..