On guilt and feelings. 

So the fog is slowly lifting and the feelings come a rushin back in.. For this alone I should never drink again, but somehow I’m forgetful when I slip back into the dark side..  Feelings that I have-numbed out on and off for many many years.. Now, what I don’t get is how easily I forget.. (My disease) 

Right now I’m faced with a shit ton of feelings but today I struggle with guilt.. How fucking full of shit is that?  This is something that was passed on to me by my dear Mother.. More like my parents were real good at making me feel guilty for being “me”  and here I am 20 years later tortureing myself with it.. Yes, I drank to stop feelings.. Now I’m getting sober to feel better and just like that the wave of yuckiness washes right over me.. 

I only have control over myself so, to feel guilty for past shit, or the “I should be doing mores” Is actually something I have to trust and love myself enough so I can build this sober life I so longingly want.. I’m a slow SLOW learner.. Like I’ve Had The Magic Inside All Along kind of learning..  

I’m going to love myself enough to not drink today and tell Guilt to fuck off.. I’m going to wake up (groundhogs day like) in the morning and tell me to be proud of me for doing hard shit.. 

16 thoughts on “On guilt and feelings. 

  1. “the good news is… you get your feelings back. The bad news is…. you get your feelings back” – is a familiar refrain around some of my recovery community. It annoys the hell out of those going through it all but it does tell you that others have been there, weathered the storm and got through it.
    A couple of resources I’ll also point you too… one is “Musterbation” yes that is right, note the spelling! Albert Ellis – one of the leading lights of the behavioural school of psychology in the 20th century coined the term for all the “musts” we have in our head. I actually call it “A Head Full of Shoulds”
    Also – Guilt – I’m sure it is in one of M Scott Peck’s writings where I read him go on about guilt being so negative and ultimately pointless. Guilt is associated with a reflection on a past event that you cannot change – it has gone. Either – fix what is left if you can or simply resolve to have learnt from the experience and apply it to current life. Sounds simple – so bloody hard to do.
    Good luck with it though and remember above everything – a drink will never assuage your guilt or make any situation better for you only delay it or make it worse.

  2. I honestly believe that awareness is 90% of the battle. You CAN change your habits, in action and in thoughts. What we continuously tell ourselves falls under habitual behaviour too.
    Think of it this way: we have one way of thinking for decades, our own and conditioned thoughts from parents etc. Changinf our way of thinking won’t happen overnight but you are so much further along than most people because you can identify your thinking habits. You CAN do this. Change is already happening. Be kind, supportive and gentle with yourself in the meantime. Healthy change is nurtured into being. Hugs.

  3. Hi Lex,
    I joined Team 100, and I just listened to Podcast #13, and I am pretty sure that it is you that Belle interviews on the phone. I just wanted to check in with you to see how you’re doing. I have been following your blog for awhile and haven’t seen any new postsI think you are strong despite the multitude of struggles you must face daily, and I think that you can do this. You are stronger than Wolfie. Wolfie is a fucking asshat and you deserve so much better. Sending much love and many hugs to you. xoxo

    • That is me. Was me. I’m not going anywhere just had to take some time for me. Things are sooooooooooooo much different since that phone call. My husband fell extremely ill 2 November’s ago I’ve stepped up every inch for my family. And as far as fucking Wolfie? the fight is now a full on battle. To stay strong and brave and sober for my little darlings.. I’m up with insomnia this 4 am. Maybe this will inspire me to fill in some blank space here..

      • I miss your blog posts. 🙂 Maybe it will help to write? I’ve read a little about your husband’s illness in your blog, that sounds like a lot to deal with along with everything else. Life is fucking hard enough already without Wolfie’s slimy ass trying to weasel his way into your head. Argh! Stay strong, Lex! We are all here for you. That Wolfie is a little bitch and if you tell on him and use your supports that motherfucker will be forced to hibernate in the Stone Age. Lots of love to you. Xoxo

  4. hi! I am following your blogs and looks like you are struggling with the booze. I loss my son three years ago of drunk driving. After losing him, that’s the only time I realized how cunning, baffling the disease of alcoholism is. It can strike all walks of life. Awareness of the disease is vital in learning to combat this demon. Finding people who finds recovery can aid you in your journey, one day at a time. Good wishes for you.

      • thank you. i’m pretty occupied today learning the net and spreading the message of hope about the disease of alcoholism thru the book I self published. I’m getting discouraged as there is so much to learn in the web that I felt like centuries behind. I’ll just keep trying. Yesterday it took me almost half of the day to incorporate my bank account on my paypal! what are you up this days?

  5. Tell guilt to fuck off for me too! (But then, the fact that you posted instead of drinking probably got the message across. Guilt hates it when you do shit like that. :))

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