Day one Redux.. Take 89


I am not special. But I do deserve straight up sober happiness.. I deserve to take care of me, love me.. I do not need to loose myself any longer.. Not for other humans nor for the booze … 

I had convinced myself that I cannot get thru this family crisis bullshit drinking wine.. Wine makes me nuts.. Booze also makes me weird and sad and scary and straight up a shell of a person..  So I drank vodka.. So,desperate and sad and alone and not any more special or sad or tragic than anyone else.. 

I need to shut the fuck up and get thru tomo again without drinking. 

Today my last day one.. My bottom is feeling like if I don’t stop the cycle the days sober And then a night black out weirdo alone in the dark drinking it’s going to get worse and more frequent.. 

Do,you believe this is a disease that wants us dead?

Or am I just drinking to die or feel dead? 

With all I have to live for I choose life.. 

I’m terrified somehow..

Xo

Lex

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10 thoughts on “Day one Redux.. Take 89

  1. Poor girl. I have tried to post on your blog several times…doesnt seem to take. This probably wont get thru either.

    But. You. Are. Not. Alone.

    Do you look at sober mummy’s blog? I give it the biggest credit for helping me to quit (well, dry january got me to quit. SM is keeping me on the path). 81 days.

    I wish you well. You CAN do it!

    A friend in wisconsin

    Sent from my iPad

    >

  2. Cunning, Baffling, Powerful – that is how alcohol is described in Chapter Five (How it works) of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. When I finally got enough sober days to have a brain and ears able to listen and truly process that phrase it was like suddenly I knew it all because there was what had kept me drinking for so long. You can beat it – I did after days and days and days of feeling like you do now. And then I had that last day one or first day one depending how you look at it. But after a fair few days it is still there… cunning, baffling, powerful… Today I’m just able to stay one step ahead of it
    Good luck and loads of love to you in your quest to stay alongside me in that daily battle

  3. Yay, Lex, you’re back!! So
    Glad to see your post! Yes you absolutely 100% deserve sobriety and happiness and peace and freedom from the nasty chatter in your head telling you that drinking is a good idea along with lots of other lies that make you feel like you want to die. I have been there. Some ugly, crazy shit, for sure. Stay here! It’s a good place to be. You’re strong enough. Brave enough. Wise enough. YOU are enough. Lots of virtual hugs to you.

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